A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Here is what I wrote to him. I have a feeling I messed this up, too.
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I am sorry for the pain and the bad memories. I hear you, and I understand where you are. I know what that pain feels like and I wish neither one of us had to go through it.

Here's my thought - continuing the separation and finalizing the divorce doesn't make the pain go away. It sets it in stone and makes it permanent. We will never be able to change the fact that we got divorced and no matter what we do, it will *always* hurt. That pain is not good for you, for me, or for kidlet. This is not what I want. I want healing for both of us and I am 100% certain it's possible. I have let go of the pain I felt in the relationship. When I did, I found that I loved you just as deeply and completely as I had the day we married. I actually knew that before I left - the loving you part.

The changes you made were successful. When I left, it was not because I was looking for one more thing to blame you for. I had already decided that I wanted to recommit 100% to the relationship. It was in a moment of blinding pain and because I couldn't see any other solution based on things you had told me. I wish I had been stronger at that time.

I can't change the past. I can only admit my own mistakes, apologize for them and change the future. As I said, I may need to rethink the move.
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My mother told me two years ago that if H and I were to have any chance of fixing this, we would BOTH have to let go of the pain and let go of blame.

I have done that, and it's left me in a surprisingly good place.

He hasn't, and he twisted and dangling from it. I can't change him. I can only change me.