Trying to stay positive w/o getting too hopeful

[cat04]

Mach,

Not to criticize your reply because I think it was actually very good, one thing I have learned through all of this, men and women react very very differently to OP.

From a female perspective, I can understand where Almost is coming from. Women go through so many things in a M that changes them, their bodies, their horomones, etc... that no matter how much they know the OW is not REALLY the problem, they think in some ways she must be. Almost, her being gone will not change how YOU feel. But you must realize, she is not BETTER than you, sexier than you, smarter than you, and she has no more to offer H than you do. She was just different. And she made him feel different about himself. She wanted him for NO reason other than she wanted him. She liked him not for what he could do for her but because she did. She was not real life, but probably quite a bit like you were with him when you were dating. Just another human trying to connect. It was when the pressure started that he saw it for what it was, a R that he really didn't want.

After the first OW, during his first crisis, I tried everything I could to be like her because I figured that was what H wanted. I even dyed my hair the color hers was. That actually made me feel worse about myself than I did before. The bottom line is I wasn't being me anymore. The me that H fell in love with. I was wife, mother, housekeeper, etc...I didn't listen to H's day with a whole lot of interest because I had home and child concerns on my mind as well as my own work stuff. I wanted his help with those things. The honey do list never ended and I never really expressed much appreciation for the things he did because I was doing twice as much and he didn't seem to appreciate it either. Stupid huh?

Yes, this is the second crisis. Did we learn from the first one, yes and no. Things changed some, but then life sort of took over. H never resolved a lot of his true issues, but you know what, I never resolved a lot of mine either. This one has been much much worse. The anger from H has been greater, my anger has been greater. For the last year, we have lived in the same house and hardly spoke on most days. For all intents and purposes, we were living in separate places instead of different rooms. Our lives really have been separate.

I have said before that something is changing. It is I am just not sure what it is or what it means and I'm not about to really start questioning it, I'm just keeping my eyes and ears open and continuing to try to learn. I will not try to be the OW this time. I don't even know if she is gone and I really don't care right now. She is unimportant in this whole thing. I like me better. I have more confidence, like when we met. I do not allow H to treat me the way that he used to, by not reacting in the same manner I did. I do not ask about the status of us, I just live everyday like I did when we met. Grateful he is around, happy in what I do, doing what I want or have to do, sharing with H what is going on in the house, with S, but in a much different way than I did before. I don't try to anticipate his every need or want. I don't try to make everything perfect so he will be happy. Yes, I do still tell him what needs to be done around here, but I don't dump it on him the minute he walks in the door. Actually, unless it is something imperative, I just leave it for him to figure out. I don't remind him about his "chores" and guess what, the pool has NOT turned green, the laundry gets put away, the cars have not fallen apart and the roof has NOT caved in. And not one single check has bounced. In the past 6 weeks or so, since his last real blow up with me, after I decided that I just was not talking unless I was spoken to because I was just tired, he has started talking to me. He has shared with me about his job and I have been interested. Genuinely interested, which has made him want to share more. I have listened to him reminisce about his childhood, and believe it or not, after 20 years, there are still things for me to learn about my H. He is sharing his aches and pains with me, and I have not mommied him. I have SUGGESTED a dr. visit, asked him if he has tried this or that, offered him antibiotics for his ear, and let him take the lead. Without showing anything more than a little concern in his well being and trusting that he can take care of himself.

You have to find a way to get over her. Really get over her because she is nothing. He is not with you by default. Telling him to go but come back to you is racked with self pity, insecure messages, and guilt even if you don't realize it. I see it because I lived it. Drove my H nuts because no matter how often I said, I love you, I trust you, I believe in you, my words, actions, and insecurities did NOT show him that. I know it is hard to get over. Believe me I know it is. But please take this piece of advice to heart if you can, IF you really really want your M and you do not want to go through this again, get rid of all of the feelings you have about her. No you can't really share them with him. He has his own guilt. But if he thinks even the littlest bit that what he did holds a place in your head, in how you view him, in how you treat him, down the road, you could be here again.

So this is not a point in time to relax, it is actually a point where you really need to look deep with in, find your answers, and continue on. You can do it.