I feel that this is the forum to write my first post. To explain my subject, I think of my marriage has met the same fate as Constantinople...a once mighty and great nation crumbled due to inner conflicts. I am 28 and my wife is 25 (both of us will be having a birthday this month mine the 8th and hers the 12th). We met in college, her freshman year. we have been friends since then and didnt start dating until our Junior year. In that time she saw how much of a womanizer I was and all the other character flaws that many Fraternity guys have! She dated my roommate/pledge brother/best friend. He broke it off with her after graduating and moving over 3 hours away. After about5 2 months we hung out almost everyday, but just as friends. Well, it happened one night when we came to my parents house while they were out of town. We got into the pool and had a few glasses of wine. then after we got out we were laying on the floor talking and watching TV. I leaned over to get something and found myself staring at her. I leaned in and she met me halfway...then we kissed. THAT MOMENT WILL NEVER LEAVE ME!! After that we dated for 2 more years before I popped the question. We got married and moved into an apartment near both of our offices. She started to become a little less "romantically inclined" about a year after we were married. Then I built us a house that is roughly halfway between her parents and mine. After we moved in it seemed like our problemsbegan to get worse and worse. She was shorter with me, less likely to have sex and stopped hugging, kissing, touching me completely. I will not lay it all at her feet either. I myself stopped being the happy go lucky guy that i was in college. (i was a DJ at the local clubs and in a frat so of course my life circled around booze and parties!! Well, I didnt hang out with friends much anymore becauase I was tired after work and we stopped going out dancing and doing things like that. She said that she wanted to do those things again so I tried but it seemed that she would get in a bad mood while we were out because I wasnt "myself" or some other reason. Then when I would get amourous she would of course say no zagain and again. It was a vicious circle that didnt get us anywhere! So as the next year went by we became more like roommates. Then tried counseling for a while and thats when she decided that a edivorce is the only answer. She told me that she was done at our weekly counselor meeting. she had already set it all up because her parents (who had just sold thier home in our area and moved about 4 hours away)waiting in the parking lot of the therapiosts to go with her to our home and move all of her stuff out. when i got to my home, there was a moving van in the driveway and her dad and mom trying to help her get her stuff packed. I was devastaed. I have always been a rock. But on this day...she forced me to call the one man that is a GOD to me. My only hero and mentor. Whose opinion of me is the only one i care about outside of my wifes. I had to call my father and cry..no, SOB to him that my wife is leaving me and that i was not prepared to handle it myself. I felt shame and fellings of failure, of abandon ment. I never before had my heart torn asunder the way she did. Not even when I had to carry my Grandfather to his resting place and present the American flag to my grieving grandmother!! I know that I was a mean cuss at times because I was frustrated with her sexually and that I was timid at times because all I was getting was rejection. When she left I did what I always do...I read and study. I gorged on all the books and websites that deal with fixing marriages because i realized that she is still the only woman that carries my heart. I love her more than the air I breathe and would gladly give my life for her if asked. I know that i sound like a bag of cliches falling down the stairs but I want to impart to you, reader, the deep seated love that i have for this woman. I never gave myself to any woman before, they were to be used and played with but never trusted or cherished. SHe helped me to see that I was wrong and she became, and still is, my greatest friend. So, after 3 years of marriage (well it would have been 3 years but she left me 9 days before our anniversary.) we are seperated. at first she said she wantede a divorce. she went with her parents back to thier house for a week and I didnt talk to her in all that time. when she came back she moved into a friend of the families home who lives in dubai but still own the home here. i talked to her and told her that she gave me a wake up call and that i realize that we need to find a way to love again. she said that she wouldnt serve me papers or go through with the divorce yet so that we could try to work it out. the following week we talked and e-mailed and texted each other like when we were dating. she said thats what she wants. to feel like she did when we were first dating. In my mind i thought about that and realized that it is impossible to keep that kind of euphoria going for ever. i didnt tell her that in so many wordas but she still wants it. anyways, we hung out a couple of times and it was great. then she comes over yesterday and we watch a movie and eat lunch that i prepared for her. it was like a picnic inside that i made. after the movie we talk for a while and i know im not supposed to bring it up but it has now been a month and a half and i dont see anything to say that she feels any different.when asked about it she says that when she left me she was "done" and that its hard to reverse those feelings. she said she doesnt even know if she wants to make it work and that she doesnt really want to hang out or talk to me because she cant move out of the past and that she isnt sure if she wants to work it out with me. I get mixed signals because not ONE WEEK AGO sher told me that she cant see her life without me in it and was saying and agreeing with me that when (not if) we make it through this we will be that much stronger of a couple. I feel like she is just trying to say things that hurt me sometimes but at other times she seems so optimistic. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH WOMEN?!?!?!?!? I cant get a read on her. I dont think there is anyone else in her life right now. I dont know if her mom and dad had anything to do with this other than support her decisions. I am constantly trying to figure out what I need to change in order to become the man she needs or wants. it seems like she doesnt know if she even wanted to be maried. she always says things like "when i was younger i didnt even think i would ever get married" or something to that effect. What am i supposed to do now. I am confused by so many things that I dont know where to start. She wants me to change some things so I did. I quite smoking after 10 years of it. I have started going to church with her and actaully enjoy it. I have lost over 20lbs of weight from working out. I am trying to do what she wants by giving her space. But then again, after we had that great week of talking and hanging out, the following monday i contacted her and she seemed standoffish so i asked her whats up and she says that she doesnt feel like she misses me because i dont give her enough room to miss me...what the *&&*%?!>?!?!?!?!?!? SHe had said the week before to contact her whenever, now I cant!?! Well, I am pretty sure that no one has made it this far in my diatribe so I will bite my digital tounge and save the rest for another rant. Please leave any and all comments. THank you all for this opportunity to vent and perhaps get some feedback and maybe even (god willing) some direction of what i need to do next!
M:29 W:26 M:3yrs Together:6yrs Seperated:6/22/09
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. --Dylan Thomas
DB your butt off which means stop contacting her, end conversations first, look at yourself and figure out what you want to focus on for you. At the end of all of this whether she is back or not, what do you want to improve about yourself. WAS need to see what they would miss if they don't turn return. You aren't giving her a chance to miss you. When you do talk to her, don't do any R talk and keep it light and flirty if anything. That is what she is looking for. She is giving you mixed messages because she is confused and does not know what she wants. The more you pursue her the more she will retreat. She told you exactly that. LISTEN. I think you know all of this, you are just getting caught up in her mixed messages. Ignore the one's that are hurtful. Do you have some friends you can reconnect with? This is like a rollercoaster...a few good days then they retreat...you needs a good support system to deal with it. This is a good place to get some of that.
oh yeah i forgot to add a few things. My W says that she hasnt been Happy for a year and that she has FOUND herslf again after she moved out. SHe says she laughs more, is happier, and has more fun. She said that she wasnt happy in our marriage. I am in such a dark place right now that i cant see the cloud where the silver lining should be. I am starting to question my own judgements on everything. I question my worth and self which is a terrible thing to realize. especially if you were as cocky as i was! (cocky in a decent way, not a "im better than everyone" way) I want to know if she really "foudn" herself or if this is just a momentary thing because the seperation is still so new. I just saw someting on tv and wanted to share it with you all. I know that we have all heard the old adage "love conquers all" and thats what i saw on the tube. BUt those words mean something new to me. Love conquers allmeans that love is something that we all struggle and battle with everyday of our lives but we are unable to move or change it or even subdue it. Love will conquer us all, strong and weak. big and small. We never "win" because love is the best and at the same time, worst thing to hapopen to man. Maybe im just a rambling idiot right now but whatever. maybe it will speak to someone.
M:29 W:26 M:3yrs Together:6yrs Seperated:6/22/09
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. --Dylan Thomas
Hey full of hope...wow i didnt think anyone could have even read my novel yet...let alone respond so quickly! Your correct that I do know all of theser things and try to emply them as much as possible. Like I said, I am maiking my mind and body better with working out and Krav Maga and my spiritual health is coming back by going to church. I was blind but now I see. even though I "know" what to do and what not to do...hearing it from someone else brings it to the front of my mind and I will keep it there as long as i can. Yes I do have some people to help me out but not many. Thats why I decided to get on here. I will go dark from her now and keep things as light as i can. thank you so much for taking your time to read my pity party!
M:29 W:26 M:3yrs Together:6yrs Seperated:6/22/09
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. --Dylan Thomas
We all have our pity party time. I still have mine from time to time a year later.
How is your day today? It know it feels lonely when you have shared your life with someone and they are gone and they seem to be fine and you are a mess. I have been there. The trick is not to "let them see you sweat". She is only feeling so care free right now because she doesn't realize what she is missing. It will come in time, but it can take a lot of time in some cases, so if you want to do this, get yourself ready to have a whole lot of patience. In time you too will realize that you lost yourself and became a different person in the marriage and as you fine yourself again, she will see the change.
Just to let you know I am checking in on you and wishing you the best.
first let me say this: Paragraphs!!!! If you want people to read what's going on, make it so they can.
Have you read Divorce Rememdy? If not, get it.
If I understood correctly, she's living in a friends house? How far away is it?
And when it comes to stuff like what she's saying....believe NOTHING right now. She'll say whatever she's feeling for whatever crazy reason. Pay more attention to what she does and even then only believe half of that.
You can do this, but you have to back off and give her some space. And if you don't have it yet, right now go get the book Divorce Rememdy.
CP, Almostdonebut... I cant tell you guys how much it means when I can get on here and actually have someone respond. I usually will respond quicker than today but was very busy with work.
Now, the family friends home is about 10 minutes from our home. I apologize for the lack of paragraphs up there. I will be sure to include them from now on.
As for space, I know I can give her the "space" she thinks she needs. If there is one thing that I can count on in this world outside of death and taxes, its my outstanding ability to be stubborn as a mule, and i fully intend to use this trait to my advantage.
But to the guys out there...how did you come up with your "line in the sand" so to speak? I mean, how long is long enough? I know i will be getting the same old answers like, "each person is different" or some other tired answer. What I am looking for from you guys out there is this...What actions, words, whatever, should I be on the look out for? Are there any "tells" that a woman has that let you know what the future MAY hold?
Just curious. Again, thank you all so much for your support and guidance. My prayers and best wishes go out to all who are hurting tonight...
M:29 W:26 M:3yrs Together:6yrs Seperated:6/22/09
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light. --Dylan Thomas
They are both great and I have read them both several times. It's worth getting DR too. The Five Love Languages is also a must read. I don't know about you, but reading helps me feel like I am at least doing something while I am trying to do "nothing". I struggle greatly with not calling, checking in, getting a temperature reading. That's why I'm on here right now because I just want to call him and see how he is and hear his voice and get some indication that my life is going to be OK. Even though I have done that over and over and it has never turned out the way I hoped. It's an addiction of it's own and is so hard to let go of. I have devoted 15 years of my life to this man and I love and miss him so much and I can't even call and ask him how he is or what he is doing without it seeming to be some sort of intrusion in his life. It sucks. I'm glad you are stubborn and stron. It will make things easier for you.
I think it's worth it to get them both, but they are very similar if you are tight on funds.
Keep a journal of all the things she says and does and try to be as detailed as possible. Also include your actions and what you said. From there you can gauge what's going on. If you notice something positive....You give her a compliment on a new hair cut or something about her....she touches your hand slightly and says thanks....write that down as "She likes compliments" and take the opportunity to compliment her WHEN WARRANTED. Don't start complimenting her on EVERYTHING. Keep is subtle.
You know better than us what the positive signs are going to be in your relationship and the situation. So if you compliment her and she rolls her eyes document that as "SHE'S NOT READY FOR COMPLIMENTS" and stop doing that for now. The journal will help a lot and it can be typed. I typed mine for the longest time.
This is a pretty long ride so settle in and start working on somethings for you. What are you doing for you?
