So, he doesn't want to live with me, but he wants to commiserate about his p.o.s. house renovation stress, and he wants to know about my daily life? Wtf, I just don't get it.
Btw yard sale went well but i was on my feet from 6 am until, well, now, so I am worn out. At it again 6 am tomorrow...went to bed at 2 last night, will go at 1 tonight I bet.
Well I chose not to reply to his texts, even though the one was a question. Neither indicated anything urgent so I kept working on my sale stuff. Then he called an hour later and both kids were sleeping so I answered it before it woke them up.
First he asked me if all my garage sale stuff was put away, bc it had started raining. ?
Then he asked the same questions from the text messages. I answered them and he started to tell me about the p.i.t.a. that the renovations have become, etc etc. I listened for a bit and then asked when he was coming in the morning. He agreed to take Nathan to counseling tomorrow while I run my sale.
He asked what time counseling was and then he got that frustrated/mad at himself voice. He said he had to get off the phone and go to work (not sure if he meant real work or more work on the house, I could hear him sanding while we were talking), he forgot he was taking Nate to counseling so he had a lot to do and he would call me later.
Ok fine. Back to working on yard sale stuff. I did not offer to do a thing to help him with the house. The Boundaries books call that kind of help 'watering someone else's lawn'. I like that image. If you are always watering your WAS' lawn, it stays green, meaning they don't see the consequences of their choices. While at the same time, your 'yard' can wither b/c you give all of your proverbial water to the WAS. Kind of tough to describe here but I really appreciated the metaphor. So anyway I did not offer to help with either the house stuff, or getting Nathan to counseling.
And Dan will love the 'thing' (Nathan calls it thing vs. issue) our little guy chose to talk to counselor about. He wants to talk to her about how he cries at night and wants in my bed because he is scared. We talked tonight and he finally told me the reason he is scared of monsters is because Daddy isn't here to keep him safe. That when Daddy slept here he wasn't afraid of monsters but he is now, and that makes him miss his daddy. He told me that if daddy lived here he wouldn't be afraid at night anymore...
That's sad Bbj and unfortunately puts more weight on your shoulders. I keep telling my kids we are alright the way we are and life is wonderful and that I will keep them safe no matter what. I guess all kids feel insecure when one parent takes off, especially when it is the father.
What happened with proceeding with the divorce? Did Dane ver talked to the Pastor?
Stay strong sis, as John said, we are responsible for our lives. K
Last night Dan came by for a bit in the evening. Asked me about the yard sale, chit chat stuff. Sydney bounced in his lap and asked, "Daddy when are you gonna bring your jammies and toothbrush?" I didn't hear his answer but she told me he said 'tomorrow'. Yeah, I don't think so poor girl...
So he put them to bed for me which was great b/c I had 13 hours sleep over 3 nights prepping for the sale and I didn't sit down basically at all Friday or Saturday. My knees were hurting and they never hurt!
He came out to leave and I told him to call me later and fill me in on the counseling session with Nathan (Nathan told me the counselor called Dan back to talk without him). Then I crashed/slept hard and forgot about it.
I was out in the garage for an hour cleaning up today and came in to 2 voicemails and 2 answering machine msgs. I texted back "What's up". He called right back and said he had fallen off his truck tailgate last night at his mom and dad's. They took him to the hospital today and he has a separated shoulder and tore a bunch of stuff. So he canceled the trip to Montreal for this week (he was going for a customer's golf tournament)...anyway he said he got pain pills at the hospital this am and was just waking up (at 4 pm) so he wanted to call me. He said sorry he hadn't called or stopped by at all. I told him I hadn't even noticed as I wasn't expecting him, and wished him luck healing his shoulder.
I am going to ask him his decision on the structured separation/solution focused brief therapy information I gave him when he took me to dinner last week. The structured separation isn't really an option, but the counseling is. If he is not interested or still 'doesn't know' then I will take that as a 'no' and continue distancing myself. Enough is enough, we either start the counseling to see if things can work or we move forward with the separation.
I mean, we are already separated, but he needs to start getting his mail sent somewhere else, stop giving businesses my phone number as his contact, and stopping by whenever the urge strikes. I am feeling taken advantage of in that respect yet I am also fully aware that i am the one who has allowed it to happen.
Aargh. So mad/sad/frustrated and yet shouldn't be surprised, should I?
Dan had called earlier to say he separated his shoulder and was in a lot of pain, had just woken up at 4 pm from taking pain meds. He said he wanted me to know the reason he hadn't called or stopped by all day. Mind you, tonight was his on the calendar, he had said he would come to karate and then have the kids for the evening.
In the phone call he said his dad and friend Barry were working on the house without him while he was at his mom and dads. So I let it go and figured he would just be resting all night and not take the kids... Well kids wanted to make him 'get better' cards. So they did. And I said we could run them out after karate...
We drove out by his parents' after karate and his car was there, but truck was gone. I texted him to see where he was, as the kids wanted to deliver their cards. He called back and said that he and his dad were on their way back from delivering a bull to his friend Doug 2 hours away...I asked how he was managing and he said his dad was driving he was just riding along.
So he was too injured to spend the evening with his kids, but not too injured to do cow stuff. Big surprise. I didn't say that, I just thought it. He did say he would be around tomorrow night since he wasn't going to Canada after all. I said oh, sorry, kids are signed up for Bible school tomorrow night.
Just another example of how he thinks he can just do what he wants on his own schedule and we should all work around him.
Grr. I told him to call me when he got back from delivering the bull. We need to talk about the boundaries of this whole separation thing and his scheduled time with kids. If we were a couple, a team, then there is all the reason in the world to be flexible and work together. But since we aren't, then that makes things different.
Dan sure does a good job at delivering the bull... While reading your e-mails I could not help but notice how nice you and my NGF are. The problem is you both get mad at the situation afterwards......the situation that you helped create. I had a talk about something similar with NGF last night. You do not need to talk to Dan about boundaries, you just need to put yours in place and stick to them. If it is his night, it is his night. If Dan can't drive, then have his parents or someone else come get them. You let him off the hook too easy. I am sure you want to be with your kids as much as possible so unless you had something specific to do or just wanted some time off, why even sweat the fact that he did not have the kids last night. We all know that Dan pretty much does what he wants, either you accept it or make him stick to the plan....even if he is not well enough to drive....make someone else pick them up! You do not need a meeting for that.
Less talk, more action. It seems like the only thing that your H will believe.
We cannot talk people into respecting boundaries. We have to *act* people into respecting boundaries.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
