Hope you are great. I was off the board for a while...kidnapped by aliens. They sent me back:)
I realised that DB can and does work!
Having said that , DB will mean different things to different people. For me,DB can be a lot like letting go and letting God. In both, you take your eyes off the sitch and put them elsewhere (in my case on God). You GAL, you work on yourself,you detach (for me by giving it to God). Of course,for me it also means praying constantly. Here is how I have seen this work:
- When I truly detach, H WILL respond and seek me out. This happened a few months ago after two weeks of "going dark". A complete 180 for me. I initiated no contact execpt for one business related matter. H's behaviour was greatly improved after this. After a little while, we started interacting like old friends again. The thing is not to become too eager and to just let things evolve.
- When I give him space and go about my own activites and immerse myself in life, his interest is aroused. When I am busy and out of the house, he is suddenly less busy and at home when I return from a night out with the girls. Human beings do not like to feel unwanted even if they think that they do not want you.
- When I ask or demand nothing, he will start to do little favours for me. By contrast when I start to feel like we have reached a stage where I can perhaps ask for something, he will do it but back off a little.
- Smile even when things annoy the hell out of you. Water off a duck's back. Human beings think that they know our trigger points and we satisfy them when we act as expected. When you say or do little they do not know what you are thinking and this bothers them no end.
Oh, it is a painstaking dance to be sure! And I had a few challenges thes past two weeks where I said some things that I felt needed to be said. I said hard things softly and with as much love as I could. H's reaction was to pull back from being friendly. And that is where it is right now.
At the end of the day I realise that we need to treat our S with compassion. Some of them are terribly confused and let us face it, their lives are NOT happy now, no matter how they try to convince themselves otherwise. They are also in no mental shape to offer anything meaningful to anyone else until they can work through what it is that they are working through.
Some of them are are chasing dreams/shadows and where will it get them? Real life is working through real love and real problems. Not waving a magic wand and getting an imaginary new life. What does for better or for worse mean? There will be worse at some point in time. You have to man up or woman up and deal with it.
So, acting with compassion but not being a doormat. Saying hard things softly if they really need to be said. Saying little when I don't trust myself to say things well. Giving space. Being patient. Giving it to God! Keeping my eyes on the prize. That's what I am doing...
