Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

So I guess you have to ask yourself when is enough, enough?

Wolverine - that is definitely the question of the hour. I wish the answer would 'just come to me!' lol...as if anything was that easy...

Thank you Gardener and GIMA. I do think I'm getting stronger and, hopefully, a healthier attitude. Serenity posted Psalms 37 in her thread and I'll tell you what...it's perfect and is exactly what I need to focus on right now.

[Faith2010]

S and H just got home from a family night with the Eagles. I could tell right off something was wrong with S. Finally got S to tell me. All went well til near the end when H started texting OW. S said something to him and H said to S "Why are you looking at my phone?" S said "I'm not spying on you I just happen to look and see her name" H says "good way to end the night" and "I'm sure your going to tell your mother." Then H didn't talk to S the rest of the night, including the ride home. H just came in here, asked why I'm on the computer, I really didn't respond and when he walked out S tried to talk to him and H ignored him, just shaking his head.

I'm pi$$ed, really pi$$ed. All this does is confirm that I need to do something in the way of an ultimatum.

But right now I need advice on how to approach this to H. I am enraged and want to scream but know I can't...I just need the right thing to say. I won't be able to sleep unless I address this. Any suggestions PLEASE?

[Faith2010]

I'd really appreciate ANY SUGGESTIONS...

[Faith2010]

What I really want to tell H is he is a pathetic excuse for a father and husband and to get the eff out until he grows the he!l up!

[Faith2010]

You know it's times like these that I begin to wonder why I'm fighting for my M.

I keep trying to remind myself this is not the man I married nor the man who fathered my child.

[mermaid]

Ashlee,
Forgive me I did not read your whole stitch so if there is anything I repeat I apologize in advance. First, you need to decide if you want to fight for your m. Keep in mind if this is mlc it is a long hard road. This could take 2 to 5 years but probably longer. You need to be prepared. Then no matter what you decide you need to detach. Do not let him pull you into his drama. Do not let him guilt you into sex or anything else. He has ow you need to set boundaries. Do not be a door mat. You need to protect your son as best you can. Talk to your son, get him in C. Get C for yourself.

You need to go on with your life like your h is not in it. He cannot be with you. He is not the man you married. You can put all of your energy into your s and yourself.

Protect yourself finacially.

The focus has to be on you and your son. You cannot do anything for your h. He has a long journey ahead of him. It will be painful and he will do and say things you will not beleive. You cannot help him. You have not been invited on his journey. The more you try to help the worse it will get for you. You cannot do anything to shorten the jouney for him but you can help yourself. You need to detach. You need to GAL. Try new hobbies, join a club, do some volunteer work spend time with your son.

Also come back to the board many and post everything and anything.

Oh and please stop snooping. This will make detaching so hard if you keep snooping.

[SDFoundGirl]

48-hour rule. You *want* to say something tonight, but it will be better if you wait until you're cool, calm and collected.

I know it's hard. I found a letter my H wrote OW back when my sitch was fresh, and it took everything in me not to go wake him up and throw him out. But I did it, and it was a better course of action.

If what you want to say to your H is the "right" thing, it will still be right when you're calm. Meantime, focus on helping your son process this. He needs to know that his dad's behavior isn't about him but about his dad.

You *can* come out the other side of this, but it is going to be tough as hell in the midst of it. How are you taking care of yourself? 180s? GAL? Really, it's all you can do, and if you include your son in some of it you'll help him navigate it all too.

If you find you can't sleep, just go journal it out or have a glass of wine and read until you can't keep your eyes open any more.

(((Ashlee)))

SD

[cpfullofhope]

Ashlee,
I just read through your current thread and I can relate to so much of what you are dealing with. I am so impressed with the way you have been handling you situation. I just want you to know you give me strength and I realize from realing your posts how much I need to set my own boundaries and hold to those. I agree with the others that you should wait until you are cooled off and then if you want to say something keep it focused on your son and how he is feeling and getting HIS DAD to focus on that too. As long as it is about you and your pain he will just blow it off. I spent the entire day today in a battle over contact with OW and it is stupid and I am exhausted and nothing good came out of it. Why we do this to ourselves I do not know. Take a deep breath, ask God to take the pain away, and regroup! You have great support on here. I am new and am hoping to build up something similar. I know it would help.

[Faith2010]

Thanks for responding mermaid, SD & CP. Much appreciated.

I didn't keep my mouth shut but am pleased with how I handled it.

I laid in bed (H still in our bedroom and our bed) for a while thinking about it. I asked God for guidance and it came to me. Although H was partly feigning sleep I knew he was awake. I said something to the effect of:
You will refrain from contacting the other person involved in your adulterous affair in front of our son. Extramarital affairs have no place in our M or in our family. It is extremely disrespectful to me and to S. It is a mortal sin and goes against the beliefs of the Catholic Church.

H never responded. I was not angry or upset when I said it. Maybe I said too much but I feel good about it. I also continue to believe I am at a crossroad. For me, an ultimatum seems like the next step. Financially I may not survive but I can no longer allow H to continue to disrespect S and I this way.

I continue to pray for guidance from the Lord each day. I also greatly respect the opinions, support, encouragement and ideas from everyone on this board. I would appreciate any feedback regarding my plans for giving H an ultimatum.

[Gardener]

Ash,
I think your stating of that boundary - and the way you worded it - was excellent. What are you prepared to do if/when S tells you that boundary was violated? What are the consequences?

Tough questions, but exactly what positives result from S spending time with H? Does S want to spend (alone) time w/H?

Strength and honor. (why is "Strength and honor" said exclusively to/by men on this forum, anyway?)

Strength and honor, Ashlee.