K4D Rising #4

[The Wifey]

Davidswife and Citygirl,

I am sorry for the hijack and reproof. I want you to know whether I posted or not I have been following Kevin right along.

I agree with most of your postings and love the encouragement of Kevin. I just know that when someone is hurting, as he was on his anniversary, was not the day for 2x4's. They needed to be padded a little.

That being said, I recognize how painful an anniversary is in this sitch. Of course his thoughts are on the S at this point. He's human. Strength comes gradually and I don't fault him for thinking about it. Yet, it appears he handled himself real well.

I still think Kevin needs to get real and understand that standing on his own two feet, going to C, going beyond speaking to the priest and going to church and learning to let go and let God, and attending AA are all necessary and vital (and lets not forget C for the children.) He needs to be able to look in the mirror and be real.

Kevin, everyone here loves you and is dedicated to you. If you can't face that you have to be that strong man that your w fell in love with - addiction free, dependable, responsible, and able to think about her feelings first - then you are not ready for what you wish for. It takes more than hope to rebuild a M, it takes consistent action.

I know the big buzzword is detachment. I get it. But more than that, is that everything you do she is watching. Why would she give an addict a chance that only went to one AA meeting? Why would she believe you are truly changing by speaking to a priest (in a church she isn't comfortable in) rather than if you were to be in hard-core, honest-to-goodness counseling? Why would she respect and accept that you put your Children first if you didn't bring up and push for the two of you to get your children into c?

The ultimate goal is detachment, Kevin, but until you get to that point, can you see how hope and reality differ? If you aren't yet detached, ok, but can you see that if you really want to get your W back and restore your M, that everything you fail to do is only confirming her decision for her?

I promise, that if you go to AA, go to counseling, grow your faith in God, put the girls in C and support them all the way that you will detach. You will grow, you will get stronger. It seems crazy, but the more you detach the more your w will watch, Kevin. We aren't believing the changes because we haven't seen you do the work. How do you expect or hope to restore your M if all she can see is what we see?

I will give you one for instance, Kevin. For instance, you immediately questioned your w wanting to stay with her friend and thought about how YOU felt, that she was trying to avoid YOU. It was nice to think she may want to hug you but wasn't because she may be contagious, but did you express honest concern for her health? I didn't see it in your post.

You know you have to do the work, Kevin. You know it. And you CAN DO this.

And that, my dear friends, is how to pad a 2x4, yet still hit that tender spot just to the left of denial. I'm with you Citygirl and Davidswife, and have been from the start. Fresh eyes and perspective, and more than a year of DB, but I haven't had to chime in much because I've agreed with you.

The frustration you feel at him not doing the work showed through. I read and felt it. I just added a little more padding is all.

What say you, Kevin?