What the hell do I have here?

[thrillisgone]

I first gave a chronology of my situation back on 7/13/08 under message #1516455
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...455#Post1516455

Since that time my Wife and I divorced (8/08). We had very little contact until January of 09 when I received a couple of desperate text messages pleading with me to "wish her a happy birthday" She had moved 1500 miles away and bought a house with the OM. I just in the last 3 weeks found out that she married the OM in 11/08! I was alittle shocked because we had been together a total of 30 years and her affair with the OM was amere 11 months long before the remarriage. Still it gave me closure. I called her in 7/09 and to acknowledge her marriage and the change in her was drastic. Gone was the anger. The anger was now replaced by a profound sense of sadness over what had happened to us. She apologized, asked for forgiveness, told me she loved me and that she would be in town in a week and she wanted to see our dog. She also repeatedly told me that there would never be another "us"

I was blown away but obliged her request and we met on neutral ground. She looked fantastic and we hugged eachother. I felt at ease but she looked alittle uneasy and kept her wedding ring hand hidden. We met for a mere 15 minutes and I was on my way. For me her getting remarried really was the closure I hadn't received during what was a rocky divorce in which I was repeatedly cast as the bad guy. 10 minutes after seeing her came the first of many phone calls. She expressed her gratitude for letting her see the dog. I told her she looked great and she said the same to me and I cut the call short.

The next morning she called again and told me that visiting the dog was just an excuse to see me. She told me that she couldn't get me out of her mind and had woke up that night in a panic and couldn't breath. We now have exchanged many phone calls and emails and she has told me the following:
She loves me and is in love with me.
She misses me. She misses my cooking
She keeps her money seperate from her husband.
If she was ever hurt or in trouble she would call out for me and no one else, not even family.
She stills calls herself by our married name, conducts business in our married name and thinks of herself as xxxx (my last name)
She asked me if she should just ditch the whole situation.
She can't get me off her mind and now crys everyday.
She broke down during numerous phone calls and once blurted out
"I just want you here with me" "I want you to hold me and love me"
She told me that I am a "great" guy and apologizes repeatedly.
She told me that I'm adorable, lovable and smart.
She has repeated said I'm sorry and expressed remorse over the loss of our relationship.
She has repeatedly expressed guilt over not going to marriage counseling.
She acknowledged some of her friends which encouraged our breakup as "toxic"

O.K., so I think you get the picture. I'm blown away. I've gone from the anti Christ back to this in a span of about 18 months. I've done some dating but I'm not in a committed relationship BUT she is married. She is 46 and her new husband is 71 and on his 3rd marriage. I asked her if she loved him and she deflected the question everytime with some mention of his positive attributes

I'm stunned.I don't know what to do. I love this woman very deeply BUT she abandoned our marriage, cheated on me, nearly destroyed us financially, divorced me and then married the OM. I never anticipated this.When this thing blew up I did everything possible to get her to the table and nothing worked. She was nothing but angry and nasty. Now this? In the past few days we have done nothing but send eachother songs from our past, laugh, cry and declare our love for eachother. Sometimes we have dead time on the phone where nether one of us says anything and she told me " I don't want to get off the phone"

Is this an "awakening"? Is she crazy? Am I nuts? This is now so complicated I don't know how to approach this. I told her I don't want to be the OM. What do I do guys? I'm really lost. We need counseling but how do we do that if she is married?

To top it off, the new husband works for the same company.