back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

I just went back through some notes I took 1st bomb go round and realized I have not made goals yet for this go round. I am going to have to re-read that portion of the LR book again.

[The Wifey]

Points taken. I am really thankful for the thoughts. If it wasn't for these posts from others I would certainly be crazy. Others can see things that I cannot because I am too close to the sitch. This is where I am struggling.

I feel this way, also. I would be out of my mind had I not found this site.

ThingsI am doing to be a better me. I go running every week day (New). Work out every other(N). Doing chores around the house and not waiting for W(N). Clothes, dishes, beds, bathrooms, kids.

She is watching all of this, believe me. But she knows you are doing it because of the bomb and does not yet think the changes are for real.

I do all the shopping every week, always have. Take care of all the bills and car stuff, always have. Make dinner whenever I can (1 or 2 times during work week) always have. Always do meals on weekends, always have.

Does she think you will continue to always do these things if she goes forward?

Started cutting work off at work and not doing any at home (N). Only 4 times in 4 months at home. Cut back on my hours at work 9 to 5(N). Was working 65+ hrs every week with 1 or 2 all nighters at home each week. Cut back on my work travel as best I could.

Again, she doesn't yet believe this will stick. Consistency will be key with this.

Started to de-clutter the house and get rid of my pack rat mentality (still working on this). I am more calm (N). My fuse is a lot longer but this is an area I need to continue to work on.

Got back to what I love doing - gardening and yard work. Planned time with my friends 3 times in 3 months. Got healthy, lost 54 lbs in 8 months(new). Started going to DR's to take care of my health problems.

All good stuff.

Had two possible run ins with the "C" word. One dismissed the second is under watch for the next few months.

Huh? I didn't understand this. Usually C is counselor.

Shared my health issues with wife as soon as I was told. Used to hide them thinking she had enough worries to deal with. Started making plans to dump the job I hate and move to another one so I can be happier (plans scratched due to bomb)

Keep working for now, but unscrap the plans to find another that will make you happier. It seems the job is a real stresser and if you stay there the problems are likely to reoccur.

What I still want to work on…spending more time with the kids in a different way than now. Started taking them to the park and playgrounds away from house. Want to do more of that. Started doing projects like putting together model with my S and crafts with my D. Trying to do things with each “special day” just with one like boys movie night in the basement and D and me go to lunch and museum, book store or library.

How about more adult time, too? By yourself or with friends, a little mixture of what you do.

Everyone can improve no matter what. I am just not sure what else I can take on right now. W has stated only one thing…get some friends and go out more so she doesn’t feel guilty when she goes out or away. I am doing that this Friday and I am trying to schedule more over the next few weeks in between business trips. But I have limited time with what I am now doing around the house and I still have to work. I want to start reading books but I know that will suck up my time from other things right now.

I get up early to read. And she told you to get more friends. The internet is loaded with meet-up groups. Not all of them are to meet up with people to date, most are actually just to get people with similar interests together.

What was successful for others? I know there is no golden key but what changes did you like the most (in yourself)?

I like the most that I stopped Needing him and changed to Wanting him. Literally, I needed him and thought my life would fall apart if he left me. Nobody likes to feel they are responsible for someone else's happiness. It was an unhealthy way to live and the stronger I get the more he notices.

I own being a jerk and at times mean for quite a few years of our marriage. No hitting or abuse. In most cases just arguments or avoiding them. I stopped going to church with my family and have since changed but I own that as well.

I put work first for quite some time thinking I would get ahead at work and make more money and that would transfer to the family being more happy. NOT. I didn't get more money in relation to the work put in. And the family suffered.

So we all have a failure of some sort. Recognizing it is only step one. Changing it and figuring out what payoff we got for doing these things is next and more work. Avoiding the family or arguments let you be at peace, but it hurt the relationships to not acknowledge and deal with the issues, for instance.

But worst of all to my wife I spied on her when we were going down divorce lane. I found out about her EA and it trying to move to a PA. She hates me for that. I own it, that boulder around my neck.

I own that history of which I cannot change. I can only change going forward and create better times now that will be better histories to look at later.

This one I think is not a stone around your neck. Only if you accept it. Hello, no matter what - it is wrong to have an EA and try to move to a PA. Give that boulder to God. You did nothing wrong.

Both of you own your history. You can only own your part in it. She does not get a complete pass in this.

The hardest part is letting go. I know most call this detachment. I just call it letting go. You want so much to change your S's mind, but you can't. You want to tell them things will be better, but you can't. You want them to see you changing and believe the changes are real.

The only way for any of that to happen is to let go. Keep making the changes to be a better you. Let her watch and see. No words will change her mind or heart. You have to show her.

That you take responsibility for being a jerk for years is good. Now imagine it taking years to show her you are not a jerk. It well could take years. Are you up for the task?

[Doingitright]

Wifey thanks. C is for cancer in this case. I have been very steady and consistant in all changes. I believe you are right in that it took years to get to where we are andit will take more time than 10 weeks to make the M better. It is the reason I felt W shouldn't have quit MC this week and the C said it as well years to get here years to get back to healthy Marriage.

Right now W is making a point to go running with me every morning. W was upset that I went this morning without her. There was no indication that she was coming so I left at the normal time. W make a point of talking to me about it this evening and explaining why & she is setting her alarm earlier so it doesn't happen again.

Thank you for all your thoughts it is very helpful. I have a lot to think through. I get the kids today for an extended lunch time while W goes to register for school. It should be interesting.

[Doingitright]

So I ahve another question/need help. W in the 1st round said I never went to church with family and that was important. I did 180 and started going again and liked it. We suddenly stopped going about 6 weeks ago. Don't know why. I have asked for the last 3 weeks and was told na don't want to go.

Just pieced together a couple puzzle pieces last night. W told a freind from church about our sitch. Freind went to pastor and told story. Pastor said he would personaly counsel us. This all happened 4 weeks ago. Before bomb 2.

Question is do I keep asking and if W says no do I just go with kids? Would that just be rubbing salt in the wound?

[Doingitright]

On 2 w just stopped doing the cleaning. If I don't do it it won't get done. She has done laundry.
On 3 yes. I have always done the shopping for all 15 years. Mc said we should switch some things up and she was supposed to do the shopping. Didn't. I went on businss trip and when I got home I was told we were out of toilet paper and milk. As far as meals W has started making dinner again. As far as lunch and breakfast I don't k ow except weekends b/c I cook all meals. The bills are getting out of hand like in most households. The DR bills are killing us. She knows it but keeps spending money like water. Money is a big deal for us. W has the attitude of have faith all things will work out fine. Problem is you have to put in some effort and faith will help you along. Faith alone does not pay the bills I do.
On 4 not much I can beyond what I have been doing. It has been 5 months.
On 6 go back to all dr's oct - dec. Stage 3 kidney disease and possible slow moving cancer in another area. Bone graph in jaw should have taken hold and they will replace the tooth that was taken out.
On 7 Cant afford cobra plan that would cover all this for 3 months unless job I take pays a lot more, real lot more. W school bill will also start hitting during this time as well.
On 8 I will try. This will take some time. I really don't like being alone much. I lived on my own since I was 13 til I got married at 29. Thought last half of life would be with kids and wife. No I have to adjust that thinking. It will take me time to change this.
Will post more later. Thanks agin for the thoughts. It helps so much.

[steady]

Question is do I keep asking and if W says no do I just go with kids? Would that just be rubbing salt in the wound?

Iwantit thanks. That is a good way to view it. The lovingly detach thing is tough with the kids around. Sometimes it looks like I am ignoring or disrespecting her. The kids are used to us sitting together or me giving hugs and kisses to all when I leave and when i get home from work. As well as saying ILY.

If it LOOKS like ignoring or disrespect then it IS. Detaching has nothing to do with ignoring, short answering, avoiding etc...your spouse. What it is is this - when you do interact with your W the things you say and do are said and done because it's the right thing to do and say at that given moment. It is not attached to getting a reaction, avoiding a reaction, to illicit a change in your W or your situation.

When your W says you are waiting around for an ILY I will tell you that is exactly what you are doing. Don't dismiss it without really taking a deep look. When you are getting off the phone do you think - "She didn't say ILY", or "I didn't say ILY", or "I wonder if she loves me", or some other internally reaction that feels like frustration or anger? The reason I ask is because I did those very things - although I didn't linger on the phone at the end of the conversation literally 'waiting' for an ILY, it was in my mind and coming out of me and read by my W.

You have to constantly keep bringing yourself back into your body and feel the feelings you are having. When there is any kind of disturbance you are not detached. This is true for your thoughts also. Be aware of them as they go through your head. Just watch them - don't fight them, just observe. You will also see that when you argue or have some kind of disagreement with your W you immediately go into your 'head' and run on auto pilot. If you can manage to stay grounded partly aware of your body, you will engage her from a non-reactive perspective. (This is the biggest nugget of gold that I have learned and the biggest nugget of gold I can pass on)

It's hard as hell to do. Try doing it for a whole day with a constant awareness of your body and see how many times you go in and out of it. It will show you how little control we have over our attention and focus. Your ego will hate it and try everything in it's power to disconnect you from it because it loves to live in thoughts - usually of past and future, on automatic pilot (a reactive state).

When in a discussion about anything with your W (and constantly throughout your day if you can remember to do it) put part of your attention to feeling your body. This will keep you grounded and focused with what's directly in front of you NOW. Now as you do this you will find a lot of times when you re-remember to do this. When that comes, you have just pulled yourself out of a sleep walking stage - where you are reacting rather than acting.

Question is do I keep asking and if W says no do I just go with kids? Would that just be rubbing salt in the wound?

Do you want to go? If yes, then go. Here's is a good example of how sneaky and stealth like NON-DETACHMENT is. You're asking if that would be rubbing salt in a wound. You are wondering HOW your going to church (or not) is going to AFFECT your W and your sitch. When you really detach, you will just ask yourself, "Do I want to continue going to church?", and it will not contain any thoughts about how it will affect your W or your sitch. It will be an answer that is best for you and your kids.

[Doingitright]

Steady..thanks. Some great things to put into action for the weekend. All points taken. Good luck to you in your journey.

[Doingitright]

So...W started talking tonight. For quite a long time about our sitch. I listened and only acknowledged what she was saying. No comments or anything. W unloaded things that she never had shared with me in all 18 years. I had a hard time keeping my jaw in place.

It boiled down to she has lost her. She has no self esteem. She wants to be finacially independant of me. She doesn't know who she is any more. She doesn't know who will come out the other side of all this and if we will be together or not. She can't work on us until she feels well and has found herself.

She is not sure if she is just numb to her feelings toward us or has just lost them. But it is not important right now. Her finding the person inside Nd getting well is first before she can work on us. I think was put to me about 5 other ways from Sunday.

We came clean on her EA and I came clean on the pc software and PI. In a lot more details. I let her ask the questions and I just answered until she had no more.

So now I really need some additional advise.

[Doingitright]

W asked if we were going to talk again. I said when we got some quite time. I think W is slipping into depression. She is on anxiety meds. But I think she could really use some counseling 1 on 1. I am not sure how she will find herself in a closed up room that is completely dark all day and night. W finally opened the shades today.

I am at a loss right now. I know drop the rope... All dropped. Gal happening. Detaching occuring. Spent entire day with kids. Had a ball. Then we cMe home and W was getting dinner together. I cooked on the grill and we all ate together. We enjoyed dinner and desert and two movies with the kids before turning in tonight.

I hope all are having a good weekend.

[Doingitright]

Ok I am struggling this weekend. Just had freinds over and planning vacation with them for next year. We had a great time with them. But W sat as far away from me as possible. Other couple sat together and noticed that we were not. Other H asked what was up.

Kids had a real poblem with W not letting them sleep with her. We have been playing off the whole sleeping in different rooms by me sleeping with the kids in the TV room. I wait for them to fall asleep and then go to our bed. But tonight the kids were asking a ton of questions. My S was ticked cause he wanted to sleep with W and she said no. My D was very purplexed by the sleeping arrangements. D thought it was just for a few days when I traveled for work. I think the day of the kids questioning is coming. I am dreading it.

I am having pretty good success detaching and GALing. I think the projects around the house are getting me excited. They are also getting my thinking/dreaming juices flowing. My othprofundity has been throwing out a whole bunch of crap. It feels so damn good to get rid of stuff/donate. It started feeling like the walls were closing in on me. I am lovng it.