Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice, I am still trying to gal. I have been going out more and doing some clothes shopping for myself. I have made lunch plans with my sister and MIL for next week and my cousin has invited me to visit her in Delaware in the near future. I probably need to reconnect with friends that I have lost contact with over the years and I really would like to take up playing the saxophone again. (I haven't played since high school.)

Kalni,

When my H left, he said he had no plans on moving back to NY. Georgia is his home now. He had been going back and forth to Georgia for years. He would visit his cousin who lives down there, look for musical talent and promote his entertainment company also. H told me that he wanted to move down there back in 2004 but I guess I was not ready to leave my family up here and move there. Now, I wish I would have really listened to him and we could have moved down there back then. Unfortunately, he is gone and our marriage is broken.

Our finances are still the same. My husbands money still goes into our banking account and I still pay all of the bills. Our separation is not legal so there is no court ordered support for the kids at this point. I don't know if he is going to file for legal separation soon or not. Right now we are not in good financial shape for him to do so.

I would be very saddened to find out if my H is having an affair. He says he is not but I think there have been a few EA. I saw the signs but I chose to ignore them and I really don't know why. I guess I was afraid of speaking up for myself (self-esteem issues.) I have been thinking about asking him again if there is someone else but whos to say that he would tell me the truth anyways?

I am still in the process of telling immediate family about our separation. So far I have only told my grandmom and sister. I was very nervous before I broke the news to them. I feel like I have failed in my marriage and I just would rather keep it to myself but H was upset that I had not let my family know. DB coach Jody said that by me telling my family relays the message to H that I understand why he left and I get it. H has to feel comfortable around me in order to get to the being friends stage again (I think thats how it goes)

I wonder if H still thinks about me or has he erased or is trying to erase me from his memory. Is this separation just a slow death for the marriage? Is he finding comfort in another womans conversation or arms? I dont contact him unless the kids want to talk to him. He usually calls us, but is this just more of the same behavior on my part?(communication issues in marriage.) I wish I could wake up and this would all be just a bad dream. If our marriage is meant to be, it is not going to happen overnite. I have to remember this.