went over to XW's. It was fine. Strange - she's so much more set in her ways than she ever used to be. Not sure why she wants to maintain a relationship, but she seems to want to. Me, I don't care one way or the other. Another odd thing - the last few times we've gotten together, she seems to need to make a point of saying something about how we're no longer together - either by mentioning someone didn't know we'd split or saying she did something herself that she used to rely on me for, etc. - not sure why. But, I couldn't read her mind when we were married, why should I be able to read it now?
It left me feeling sub-par, though. She seems to have it all together, to have tons of friends, to be succeeding. I feel isolated, am laid off, feel like a failure. On the other hand, I know she has a problem forming deep relationships, so I'd like to think she's all show and no substance. But why compare? Our lives are totally separate now. I just need to worry about myself.
But I think about all the sitches I've read here, and my own sitch. There are so many of us who've stood for our marriages and taken the subsequent blows. Is that so wrong? Were we just being doormats? I don't know anymore. But I did read a good essay in today's NYT about standing for your marriage:
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One thing I've realized - I'm fine with being alone but I'm scared of not being a success in a creative career. I don't care anymore whether my XW or someone like her rejects me because I'm not on a fast-track management position. I want to create. But that desire is so strong, I'm scared to do it for fear of failing. Well, no more. I'm going to pursue it. And when my severance package runs out, I'll re-evaluate. If I can't make it, so be it - I'll go back to working for someone else. But maybe this is the push I need to stop being a doormat.
I have to ask, though - is standing for your marriage being a doormat? Read the article and you tell me.
