I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

journaling..

onto another week. by the end of this coming week, it will be 2 months that I haven't spoken to or seen the H. That makes me really, really sad. And I feel like I have gotten nowhere. Sure, my anxiety and crying is not nearly as bad as it was before but I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere in terms of moving on. I still think about him every single day, for most of the day. He consumes my thoughts and no matter what I do, it doesn't go away. Even when I'm having conversations with friends, he's still in my mind and I find a way to relate him to everything I talk about it, its so annoying and I'm so sick of it. I know it's up to me to stop it but I can't seem to do it. I try, and I try, and I try .. everytime I go out with friends, I make sure that I don't talk about him and do as much as I can to make conversation about things that have absolutely nothing to do with him yet it seems to creep up on me no matter what I talk about. It's so frustrating, I want to slap myself every single time for thinking of him so much and letting the thoughts consume me. Its so bad and unhealthy. I really, really need to find a way to stop!

Ok enough venting. Half of my ebay items are ending today and I'm so nervous at how much I'm going to make that I'm not even looking at it. I'll take a look at it in an hour and see how well or bad I did. Hope well, I'm aiming for $500, if not just a bit more. That would help so much.

So my day was ok. I took a nap earlier which really threw off my day. I searched for housing and jobs. And spoke to friends online. That was pretty much it! I've always associated sundays with negative feelings because I always felt like people I see over the weekend are leaving me after all the fun and I'm alone yet again on Sunday. I really need to learn not to feel that way. I need to be happy by myself sometimes. It's good to have alone time. But right now, I have way too much alone time and I know its at the point where its far too unhealthy. I need more human interaction. Moving to the city will help with that.

I feel like I'm so boring. I write about the same thing every single day. I just WISH I had some interaction with H just so I could be able to write something interesting here instead of my whole quest to find the perfect apt and my ebay cr*p. I wish there was more to talk about on the relationship front. But there's really not much to say when there's no contact at all. Oh how I wish for some contact. Any form of contact. Let me know you care about, even just a little. I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to him. Not important enough to keep in contact with, not important enough to even just ask me how I'm doing, not important enough to just say "hi" to. I was dropped just like that. Its not a good feeling. But what can I do but get over it and move on? I talked to guys yesterday, good looking ones too, but it doesn't matter when your heart's not into it. But at least I know I'm still wanted by men which helps a little with my self-esteem as H brought it way way way way down, to virtually non-existent.

Well until I move out of here, I'm afraid you all are going to hear about nothing but my apt/job search, financial problems and toxic living sitch! and the occasional H vent. Maybe more than occasional. Hoping that my mind will have something else to think about soon! I'm sick of it myself but that's life at the moment, I just have to take it and do the best I can with it.