I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[davidswife]

BP,

You might want to think about reading "Learned Optimism" - it would be a great help to you.

Stacy

[beepee]

I've been working really hard to detach from my family.
When I graduated high school, I moved out instantly to NYC because I knew that was the only way I could get along with them. If I wasn't around, they wouldn't be able to criticize me. So I moved from place to place and our relationship has always been better when I'm gone. When I'm back at home, its back to the same old negative routine. And the person I need to detach from most is my mother. She's is absolutely cruel to me without a care for my feelings. She was both pyshically and verbally abusive towards me when I was younger. I was never good enough for her. I've come to realized that it doesn't have anything to do with me, but it was all about her. She took her anger regarding the past, out on me, which is so unfair. But I understand it, I don't agree with it, but I accept that she went through a hard life and I don't try to argue with her anymore. Everytime she says something negative to me about the way I look or what I do, I just walk away. I havent spoken to her for nearly 2 months, ever since she told me to kill myself if I was in that much pain. I know I can't change who they are, I can't make them be more sensitive and I know I have to just accept it even though I don't like it. But I'm not going to put up with anymore mistreatment. I put up with it my entire life and I was always made to feel like nothing. That is not an exaggeration. When I married H, my mom wanted me to wait on him hand and foot and got really angry at me when I didn't. We weren't that kind of couple anyway. And she also said that it was ok to hit me if I wasn't being a proper wife. Again, not an exaggeration! I just can't handle that type of treatment anymore and living here makes me feel like that all over again, as if I'm nothing. But I accept that they had a hard life. I wish they would see that I have too and have a bit more sympathy but that's out of my control. I just need to let it go and be around people who are more positive.

Next IC appt is on Wednesday.

[beepee]

Yeah, I was looking into that. I have to order it online since it'll be cheaper or maybe head to the library and see if they have it there.

[beepee]

journaling..

Went out with all my best friends last night in the city and did some dancing and only had one drink! I was good at controlling myself I have to say. I had a good day yesterday. I always have great fun with my best friends. Before going out to the city, I spent the entire day with my best friend, lets call her K. My day is always better when we hang out and chat and laugh. We've been going out together every weekend which is good, making up for lost time.

We went all over yesterday. We went shopping (she went shopping, I have no money!), went out for coffee and a nice, fun chat, went to a sportings good store because she needed to buy some scuba diving gear as she's going on vacation to PR soon with the BF, lucky her, then we went to find a bike!! Found a really cool one at Dick's SG, but it was $120 which was fine for her but not for me but it was so cute! Then we headed to Wal-Mart to check out the cheaper options and there was the cute Schwinn vintage style one that I want which is $84 and she tried it but it was too high for her! She's really short! hehe.

Then we went back home and got ready to go out. I wore a pair of jeans that I hadn't fit me in a long time which was great! Wore a pair of awesome heels but feet started to hut as we were walking all over the city! Met up with all our friends at a lounge/nightclub. I did some dancing but the place was so crowded and stinky that I spent most of my time outside smoking and talking to people there. I need to relax with the cigarettes. None of my friends smoke and they hate that I do and are always trying to steal my cigs and throw em away. Gotta love em for trying. They're very good, caring friends. Don't know where I'd be and what I'd do without them. I will quit soon, I have cut down significantly lately, it was just yesterday .. I couldn't drink, it was way too stuffy and stinky on the dancefloor (I felt like I was going to puke, it was that bad) and my friends couldn't take it either after awhile so we hung out at the more relaxed lounge/bar area and because they could drink and I couldn't, I just went out and smoked and talked to guys, which gave me an ego boost I have to admit! But must stop the smoking, gradually.

Then afterwards a couple of us went out to a late late dinner but because everyone had come out of the bars and clubs by then, all the restaurants that were open were completely packed!! So we waited for a bit but never got seated because there were just too many people waiting so we ended up parting ways and going home at 4 in the morning! Got back home at 5 in the morning and crashed! Woke up at 10 this morning so I ended up only having 5 hours of sleep. My body has gotten used to waking up between 9 and 10 now. Before, my sleeping pattern was ridiculous and all over the place. I'm really glad to be up in the mornings now, I havent really expereinced mornings in the past year.

On the drive back, K and I had great conversations about people we had crushes on in high school! The guys she had crushes on! CRAZY!! There were so many! But who am I to judge, I did too! haha. I had one major crush in high school though and EVERYONE knew. It was so obvious. I ended up bumping into him a few months ago with H, and I introduced them and I talked to him for a bit. I think H was a bit jealous as he knew that was my one huge, major crush ever haha. Well now that H is gone ............ crush is on my FB........... crush doesn't know I'm newly single ..........

So all in all, had a great day yesterday. Not too sure what to do today though. Search for jobs and apartments again. Its getting OLD. Nothings coming up at all. I wish I could pay someone to cosign for me! I really need to have a move in date to look forward to, it gives me so much motivation. When my B said he was going to cosign, I was so happy, I was going so much because it motivated me to get up and work towards getting my life back together and it made me so happy that the life I want is coming to me soon and now, I feel so unmotivated because I don't have that date to look forward to. I don't know when I'll ever move, I don't know how long I'll be stuck here for. I'm trying to stay motivated and see the positives in my living sitch but it just does not keep me motivated. I need to have a date set to make it feel real, that I'm really going to move out and I can finally get motivated! So I'm going to continue to try and work on finding a place and setting that date that I feel like I really need.

Not too sure what I need to do today. Half of my ebay items end today and I'm really eager to see what the ending prices are. I hope its at least 500!! Please let it be 500! or even more! That would be so great! and then I hope the other half, ending mid-week fetches 500 too. That would give me the $1000 that I was striving for! Fingers crossed!

I have to go get prescription refills today as I'm running out of ADs. So that's one thing to do today. I really, really want to buy that bike from WAL-MART. I know I want to save money for the apt but I don't even know when I'm going to get one. And its $84 and it would get me out and about (not too much lately though as its been nonstop rain this summer!). But I'm so tempted to just buy it, it'll make me happy and I'll look at it and I can envision myself in a pretty hippie flowy dress with flowers in my hair and blowing in the wind, riding down the streets of Btown and biking around the pretty Charles! We'll see, I'll make my decision when I head to get my prescriptions at Wal-Mart.

What else can I do today? I can start packing and pretend as if I'm moving soon! I love packing. And when the time does come when I really do have to pack because I REALLY am moving out (please, please, please), I won't have as much to do! I don't know what else to do, maybe I'll do that. It'll make me happy. And I'll do anything right now that makes me happy.

[The Wifey]

Hoping I get at least one call for all the resumes I've sent out!! It's getting so frustrating but I think I'm in for a couple months of this..

You have to realize that this isn't just you. The man from department of labor told me when I first filed for unemployment that it is taking 6-9 months for people to find jobs. Its just the reality.

If you know it, then you can face it. It is what it is, and it isn't just you.

[karen43]

It's completely different now job-hunting than it has been in the past for me. At Sunday School today, the one business owner was saying he's cut down his employees from 160 last year to 60 now, and still worried about finances. Every day in my local paper hundreds get laid off all the time in this area. They used to have pages of jobs listed in the local paper, now they just have a few ads. I don't think I ever remember it being this bad! Karen

[beepee]

I know its not me.
It's just frustrating.
I know I'm in this for a long time, which makes me feel a bit hopeless but AT LEAST I got called in for one interview! Thats a start and shows that at least someone out there was interested. I'll keep the hope alive. I can always continue ebay!! That always works to keep me going for awhile.

I just woke up after a long nap and I'm so angry at myself for doing that as I always feel like cr*p when I wake up and feel more depressed. But I was so sleepy I just fell asleep while looking out my window at the trees.

Praying (and I'm not religious!) that I'll get out of this situation soon..

[beepee]

journaling..

onto another week. by the end of this coming week, it will be 2 months that I haven't spoken to or seen the H. That makes me really, really sad. And I feel like I have gotten nowhere. Sure, my anxiety and crying is not nearly as bad as it was before but I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere in terms of moving on. I still think about him every single day, for most of the day. He consumes my thoughts and no matter what I do, it doesn't go away. Even when I'm having conversations with friends, he's still in my mind and I find a way to relate him to everything I talk about it, its so annoying and I'm so sick of it. I know it's up to me to stop it but I can't seem to do it. I try, and I try, and I try .. everytime I go out with friends, I make sure that I don't talk about him and do as much as I can to make conversation about things that have absolutely nothing to do with him yet it seems to creep up on me no matter what I talk about. It's so frustrating, I want to slap myself every single time for thinking of him so much and letting the thoughts consume me. Its so bad and unhealthy. I really, really need to find a way to stop!

Ok enough venting. Half of my ebay items are ending today and I'm so nervous at how much I'm going to make that I'm not even looking at it. I'll take a look at it in an hour and see how well or bad I did. Hope well, I'm aiming for $500, if not just a bit more. That would help so much.

So my day was ok. I took a nap earlier which really threw off my day. I searched for housing and jobs. And spoke to friends online. That was pretty much it! I've always associated sundays with negative feelings because I always felt like people I see over the weekend are leaving me after all the fun and I'm alone yet again on Sunday. I really need to learn not to feel that way. I need to be happy by myself sometimes. It's good to have alone time. But right now, I have way too much alone time and I know its at the point where its far too unhealthy. I need more human interaction. Moving to the city will help with that.

I feel like I'm so boring. I write about the same thing every single day. I just WISH I had some interaction with H just so I could be able to write something interesting here instead of my whole quest to find the perfect apt and my ebay cr*p. I wish there was more to talk about on the relationship front. But there's really not much to say when there's no contact at all. Oh how I wish for some contact. Any form of contact. Let me know you care about, even just a little. I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to him. Not important enough to keep in contact with, not important enough to even just ask me how I'm doing, not important enough to just say "hi" to. I was dropped just like that. Its not a good feeling. But what can I do but get over it and move on? I talked to guys yesterday, good looking ones too, but it doesn't matter when your heart's not into it. But at least I know I'm still wanted by men which helps a little with my self-esteem as H brought it way way way way down, to virtually non-existent.

Well until I move out of here, I'm afraid you all are going to hear about nothing but my apt/job search, financial problems and toxic living sitch! and the occasional H vent. Maybe more than occasional. Hoping that my mind will have something else to think about soon! I'm sick of it myself but that's life at the moment, I just have to take it and do the best I can with it.

[beepee]

YAY!!! I beat my goal of making $500 with today's set of ebay items!! I managed to make about $800!!! I'm beyond stooooked!!

Hoping next weeks auctions yield the same amount..still, $500 would be nice, $800 would be better. $1600 for a few days of work, not too shabby! Going to bed happy tonight!

Slowly inching towards relocation...!!!

[mishka422]

WOO HOOO!!!!!!!! Good for you beep!!!! If I may ask, what is it you are selling on ebay?

Why do you wish you had some interaction with H in order to post something more 'interesting'? The interesting things are what you are doing for you, not what kind of drama your H can bring into your life. You don't need it so don't want it!

SNAP THAT RUBBER BAND!