Still Wondering How To Handle Things!!

[kissak]

Funny Sanderika....I just started with the itching today! But I think I can put up with it...at least it isnt as painful!

H did come over to fix the air compressor, he didnt mow though....it rained. But I think he would have.

He acts so strangely sometimes. He calls me, wants to know what Im doing, the last few days he has been bugging me about...well wanting to be intimate. I explained to him that I just cant do that. I put my heart in it and he doesnt...he of course wanted me to explain...basically we got into a discussion about it. I know I surprised him...he said I did. He said he had a gut feeling that I was not telling him somthing?? idk....then we somehow got on the discussion about him missing me so much when I was gone last weekend...he said he just cares about me and is compassionate and all that....He of course blew it off that he wasnt meaning anything by it, he just cares about me.

TOday we took my daughter to get on the bus for camp...H meet us there...when we left he took our son to get some breakfast then came back to my house and actually sat down for a short while....I know he is just needing some and that is the only reason he sat around...of course he didnt get it! I just cant get it through his head that I dont wanna have sex with him when He doesnt love me...well, he loves me he just isnt IN love with me...ugh! Now I know how he could cheat on me without it ever bothering him.

Anyway, he called me after church, dont know why...I told him I was going to see my dad, havent seen him in a while, then he started getting whiney and I called him on it....ever since he has been kinda quiet today. He is in a mood. Guess cuz he is lonely...oh well.

I havent decided what to do with my son this week. I wanna do something for him. My bday is on Thursday so I thought I would do something with him then. Maybe take us both out to dinner!
My son is just too cute, he said "mom, since sister is gone we can sit down and have a 'romanic' dinner".

I really feel like my H misses me, loves me and all that, but I dont think he is being honest with himself about his feelings. That is what really irritates me....but I have been doing alot of thinking lately about what I want. I honestly say that if he came back, I know I would never trust him. Do I want to live like that??? Just thinking alot about it. I have really gotten to know him over the past few years. I know better how his mind thinks now, I know that he could cheat on me without a second thought... just things to think about.