K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

What CG said...and Stacy and stuck, etc.

kevin has to do much more than he has done, MUCH MORE, if he is to move forward and that does not simply refer to his wife or their marital status. He had/has a drinking problem (which was by his own admission a huge factor in the demise of his M). His wife described him as a "functioning alcoholic". For MONTHS we all urged him to get help b/c his anxiety was out of control, & by his comments he lost his last job b/c he could not focus...

So he said he stopped drinking but those of us with experience in addiction pointed out that "recovery is MUCH more than simply not drinking" and that the 12 steps are a way of life, (taking a moral inventory of your damage to others and making amends is A GREAT Thing to do even if you have no abuse problem....it's called taking responsibility for ourselves) and a life program for it and if you find a better one or one more suited for you FINE, but do the work or you are just a "dry alcoholic" who never finds out why he self treated his depression with alcohol or what was being hidden, not dealt with, avoided, etc. His mom died a few months before his wife wanted the div but he has not commented on his grief. (Doesn't mention how his siblings or father are handling theirs. )

So after literally months of urging him to go to an AA meeting AND him agreeing almost from the start but not actually going, he finally FINALLY went to ONE AA meeting and wrote it off, (without sharing that info until we dragged it out of him weeks or months later), b/c there were unsavory characters at the one meeting he attended. Same for the C he finally agreed to get and then weeks/months later actually DID, but wrote that guy off b/c he was "too young or inexperienced" and whatever...

Kevin has said some startling things about himself that probably played HUGE roles in the marital situation and that are NOT being addressed even now....SUCH AS saying he "has never known how to be happy in his LIFE...was never happy before met his wife". That is something that MUST be addressed and if ALL one cared about was his reconciling with his wife, even then, you'd have to admit that he has to know how to be happy on his own to make much of a husband to anyone, or a father. It's a basic life skill. When he lost his job due to lack of focus (which we can all identify with and are not judging and was incredibly indecisive about whether to move away-he did-or back to Texas--he did--- his solution was to get on some anti-anxiety meds...AND yet Not get c to go with it...which is standard med practice meaning they'd prescribe it but assume or recommend c to go with it)
Not happening...

Look I don't want to rehash all this especially on this day b/c ALL of us have extra hard times on certain occasions.

We know people move and heal at diff rates. It's b/c of THAT knowledge that we recognize when someone is avoiding the real work involved. Pretending to be clueless or "trying real hard" are easy things to say. Doing the real work is not easy. Read his old posts and see how slow the progess has been for insight into why this thread is so frustrating and why we get emails telling us to give up on Kevin and his sitch.

But if someone really wants to be the best person they can be AND wants their M restored, there is no other way than doing the real INTERIOR work involved. Not about the spouse when you have these other issues and keep making it about the spouse...that's deflection and avoidance and some of us see through it and call him on it. Sorry if that sounds opinionated, but what's to argue?

CG has given countless lists of resources available to Kev and we've all tried to keep him focussed and on track...and he has written to me privately asking me not to give up on him, and if it were not for that, I would have quit here. B/C it's SO frustrating to see someone avoid the elephant in the room with superficial attempts and not doing what WE have ALL been thru or did, or are going through now. My life could and would have sucked for years if I had not FACED my own issues and done my own work and gotten the tools I needed. I had to set an example for my kids and plus, I deserve to be happy. Thank GOD for that belief.

Here's to hoping K4 someday finds that belief "for real" and then acts on getting the tools he sorely lacks, so that he CAN be happy on his own. Only then will there be a real chance for any R with a woman in his life, let alone one with the anger she has with him. Some of it, in his own words was deserved.

So yeah, he has some amends to make and some big serious work to do. I don't know if he will ever do it, let alone soon. But tonight? K4, try to enjoy THIS evening so you aren't too miserable. On THIS Day/evening, I'd make sure I was busy and happy and not alone....and NOT around w...

So go do that and being again tomorrow...or not.

j-