ok this weekend was an interesting one. First I did well Saturday morning, I was lookin good, feelin good, and got my D, I kept the exchange under 2 minutes. It was really hard, I wanted to reach out to her pretty bad but I didn't. I tried to be funny and and made a comment about her legs not working anymore because I haven't seen her standing on them since the initial court hearing, she didn't really see the humor, said she had no reason to get out of the car... yikes! so I kinda laughed and moved away. D said she was really grumpy all morning cause they were running late(they showed up 15min late) I suspect she thought I was gonna be mean or gripe, but I didn't(I really never do). Also I didn't let the D call and try to negotiate a longer stay(she wanted to) so all in all I thought I was did pretty good.

Then came the time to take her back... again she showed up late, by about 10min. When she arrived it was nearly dark and she was wearing her sunglasses... I noticed this immediately. I told her that I had some of her stuff that's been in my truck for well over a month( it was everything that we had from a big road trip we made about a week before the separation.) So she did get out of her car and opened the trunk, but she couldn't see so she pulled off her glasses, and I could tell she had been crying. I never mentioned this, maybe for me? I don't know. Long story short we began talking... I should have left but didn't. 3 hours later, we both departed. During the 3 hour conversation many emotions were exchanged between us, but I never lost my temper. The main theme of the conversation was trust, because there has been none between either of us. She also told me that the OM is in the past but still insists that nothing was there, but one upped the stich by telling me she thought I was behind him the whole time and that she was just playing a game with him, that she was never interested in him. She said she thought I sent him to get proof that she was a terrible person that would cheat on me... she said shes still not convinced that I didn't have something to do with it, it kills me that she would think this, the last thing I ever wanted to think was that she did or would have someone else. If this is true then it might explain the constant increase in bitterness toward me here of late when I knew there was no real reason. Of course I know it could be a smokescreen to cover her butt... I wont know cause I don't get her phone bill anymore, and with a RO it kinda keeps me from knowing much. I did break down at one point with tears rolling from my eyes. She made some comment about me not letting her have a D(which she never gave me the opportunity to see what Id say she just hit me with D papers and a RO) So she had to do what she did for separation. I asked whats so wrong with me asking her to stay and go through counseling? Why did that make me a monster? I told her that I did everything I could and I know now that my actions caused more problems, and I was sorry for that, I told her that she needs to realize that my intentions were always good and that I gave her all of me, I may not have handled all my emotions right but but my heart was pure and true, and all I wanted was to save our marriage. She started crying briefly, this I haven't seen before. I saw this and backed off, I just asked her to try and start to trust me, Id do the same for her... even though I know its hard. There was much more to the conversation but that is the readers digest version.

In the end we both agreed it was a tough conversation, but both said we were glad we had it. I screwed up I know, and I'm gonna keep up with the DB'ing, and maybe I didn't make any progress, perhaps it was all lies, but I sure feel as though something good came from it. last night I dreamed for the first time that we got back together, I dream every night of her but its always just normal stuff like were riding in the car, or shopping for grocery's, this time it was different... I know the D is gonna happen, but I'm not done yet.......