A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Thorny question.. (and geez, wouldn't it be nice to have some EASY questions to deal with?? Where's that red button from Staples?)

So I'm moving back up north to be near H, make kidlet stuff easier, etc - and the move is at H's (indirect) request. ("It would be nice to have you closer.")

H's best friend is a guy I'll call Adam. Adam's wife Amy left him around 6-7 years ago after a series of internet affairs and one night stands with bar bouncers. When Amy finally left, she went 2000 miles away, taking their baby daughter, to convert one of her IAs to a PA with a 23 yr old, bisexual,Goth, cross-dressing unemployed artist. (Thought that might provide some levity and context for some of us who are in MUCH better positions by comparison.) As you might imagine, Amy left a swath of destruction in her wake, including a severely strained friendship with me as I was advising her not to go and she left owing me money.

Amy eventually returned, geographically speaking, but she and Adam remain separated. They have not divorced because neither can afford it and remaining legally married maintains vital health coverage for their special needs daughter. Amy and H had a short but torrid affair, and it was the discovery of said affair that provoked me to actually leave.

Adam is a great guy, and I considered him and Amy to be 'both of our' friends. Adam and H are still close, playing internet games together every week and getting together for 'guy weekends' a few times a year.

Here's the conundrum: I have no issues being friends with Adam, seeing/buying bday presents for his daughter, etc, but I want nothing to do with Amy whatsoever. I don't want to see her, speak to her or even be in the same zipcode with her. Putting it mildly, I doubt I could be nice.

I do not know if Adam knows about the affair.

How do I interact with Adam? And assuming Adam picks up on my iciness toward Amy, how do I let Adam know that it has nothing to do with him? Adam and Amy do not live together, but how do I handle something like an invitation to the daughter's bday party where both would be present?

Does anyone have advice for experience with how to handle things if you end up in a social situation where the (former) OW is present? Is a knock-down, hair-pulling, eye-clawing girl-fight completely out of the question? (ok, I'm kidding on that last one... sort of. )