First post - was a lurker, now need to talk

[Margali]

Welcome Margali,

Sorry it's taken me so long to check the boards. It's been quite a busy summer!

Thanks for coming in whenever you have the time. I don't have as much time as I'd like, myself. I can't do much online from work, and when I get home from work, I'm just too wiped out to do much on the computer. I only want to have supper and watch TV. (Or have sex [LOL]!)

I learned that I had my own issues with intimacy, and I also got to know myself better with regard to what I want. Reading important books like SSM and Passionate Marriage will help you explore yourself AND articulate your thoughts and desires with your H.

I know I have issues with intimacy. It takes a long time for me to trust someone with my heart. My intimacy issues were a big factor in the breakup of my first marriage. This time around, I was lucky enough to meet H, who is sensitive to other people's emotions and patient, loving, and kind. (My first H was patient, loving and kind, but not particularly SMART. Present H can read me like a book, and he's so smart I wouldn't dare try to deceive him - even if I wanted to, which I don't.)

In my particular case, it took several encounters and talks over time, with a final discussion that outlined exactly what I want, what I need, and what is at stake because of what was missing.

And maybe it will get to this point w/ me and H. We've had some good talks on the subject over the past year.

Some people "get it" more easily than others, but what is important is your tenacity. Keep learning and keep pushing him on the issue. But do so *carefully,* without coming down on him (which will shut him down) and without making it seem like an obsession or that you're only after your own satisfaction. This is about improving your marriage and your connection -- BOTH of you will live happier lives because of the work you put into this.

I'm trying, really trying, to emphasize to him that this is about the whole relationship, not just sex, and that it's for the long term, not just momentary sexual thrills for me. I said to him yesterday, "I could love you forever, if you let me." And he said, "Well, I'm going to let you." Just thinking about that brings me to tears, but they're tears of happiness, not pain.

Another important point is self care. Do, wear, behave in a way that makes you feel beautiful and sexy, first for YOU, then for him. Your positive energy and positive self image will keep you happier and more open to intimacy with your H.

I've lost 6.5 pounds in Weight Watchers since I started on July 3 (almost a month ago). Although sex and my looks are part of the reason I'm doing it, I'm also doing it for health and comfort reasons. Some of my health issues might be non-issues if I lost about 20 pounds, and it's *really* uncomfortable physically to be even a little overweight - especially in summer. I've got some good reasons to lose weight that would still apply even if I had no man in my life at all.

Thank you so much, Lucky. I really appreciate your presence here.