Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[iwantittowork]

Some thoughts over the last day..

I am noticing something different in her attitude, but it's not something I can put my finger on yet. I sense a difference in her, rather than being completely not there, she seems to be shying away from me, not meeting my eyes during conversations, and small things like that. It's something I 'sense' being different. Does that make sense to anyone, what I am trying to say here?

GIMA have you had that feeling as well?

Last night she was watching one of her and d8's favorite movies when I got home, Momma Mia, so I watched the end with her. I happened to be changing movies when she walked by saying she was going to bed, and I just had an urge, and asked her, "Excuse me miss, but may I have this dance?" And She chuckled and nervously said 'no' I lightly took her hand and swung her in one loop, then let her go, she nervously said 'good night' without looking at me, and headed upstairs. I said good night, and watched another movie.

This AM, it's tough to take at times, but she was dressed in Mini skirt and skimpy low cut halter top. Damn! Does she look good to me! She is taking off to go do her dog sitting, and then I know she'll go to the coffee shop and sit and have a cup of coffee. These are the times I need to detach the most, but I am doing better at it.

After she comes back, she is eating breakfast and engages me in some conversation herself, talking about her new car, and do I want to take it for a ride? I say, sure, but why don't you take me on a tour of it first? She does, and I make sure to let her do most of the talking, and ask her questions like, "What's your favorite thing on the new car?" and "How do you like the way it rides?"

I am suppressing my urge to tell her things like, "Wow, you did great!" or other questions that I would normally have asked, and try and keep her talking to me about it, and how she FEELS, rather than how I feel about it.

Might take the d8 to the beach today, that should be fun!

[givingitmyall]

I am noticing something different in her attitude, but it's not something I can put my finger on yet. I sense a difference in her, rather than being completely not there, she seems to be shying away from me, not meeting my eyes during conversations, and small things like that. It's something I 'sense' being different. Does that make sense to anyone, what I am trying to say here?

She's just pulling back a little. It's natural. Before she will make a move "towards" you, she will go through this. AND, after she opens up a little, she will pull back again. Just expect it. When you know it's coming, you won't be surprised, and you can be objective and detached (i.e., cool).

Last night she was watching one of her and d8's favorite movies when I got home, Momma Mia, so I watched the end with her. I happened to be changing movies when she walked by saying she was going to bed, and I just had an urge, and asked her, "Excuse me miss, but may I have this dance?" And She chuckled and nervously said 'no' I lightly took her hand and swung her in one loop, then let her go, she nervously said 'good night' without looking at me, and headed upstairs. I said good night, and watched another movie.

Good. Making her laugh is BIG. Just be careful not to over do the pursuing (not saying this was). Humor is a really big thing for your W. Make her laugh, and she will relax. Will take time, but each little joke chips away at her wall.

This AM, it's tough to take at times, but she was dressed in Mini skirt and skimpy low cut halter top. Damn! Does she look good to me!

Yep. Believe me, I understand. My W had on a pair of shorts yesterday that are not short shorts by any means, but they are pretty short. And she was fantastic looking. Just be cool. Occasional comliments(and I mean like every 4-5 days) about her appearance are not a bad thing. Just make sure not to comment like a H ("You look pretty. You look nice"). Tie it in to something specific (You look great in that dress. That color ris very flattering on you/brings out the green in your eyes").

After she comes back, she is eating breakfast and engages me in some conversation herself, talking about her new car, and do I want to take it for a ride? I say, sure, but why don't you take me on a tour of it first? She does, and I make sure to let her do most of the talking, and ask her questions like, "What's your favorite thing on the new car?" and "How do you like the way it rides?"

Good. You handled this well. Open ended questions are a great way to get her talking and keep her talking. Show genuine interest in what she is talking about. Just don't go overboard. You are going for sincereity in everything you do.

I am suppressing my urge to tell her things like, "Wow, you did great!" or other questions that I would normally have asked, and try and keep her talking to me about it, and how she FEELS, rather than how I feel about it.

Good. An occasional compliment is good, so long as it is sincere. Also, good to make the focus HER, not you.

Might take the d8 to the beach today, that should be fun!

TAKE her (or find something else to do with her. Serves 2 purposes. First, your W loves to see you doing things with your D. Means a lot to a mother. Second, it gives your W time and space away from you. This seems counter intuitive, but this works to your advantage.

Keep it up. Sounds like you are on the right track. Just be consistent in your actions and words. She is watching you even if it seems like she isn't.

[iwantittowork]

Tie it in to something specific (You look great in that dress. That color ris very flattering on you/brings out the green in your eyes").

Damn GIMA, this is great advice! I had been trying to compliment her occasionally, but doing it in the 'H' way you stated. I need to move exactly to what your talking about.

So, something else just happened, want some thoughts.

I was downstairs after starting some laundry, and the W mentions the soldier in our community that just was killed in Afghanistan, and I can tell she is emotional. It's nearing the 1st anniversary of her godson's death in Iraq, and she stated she just couldn't deal with going to the procession of this soldier. She's got tears in her eyes, but she goes on a bit about that, her Mom's anniversary death, what our two Step son's are away for the weekend, how she needs to handle the proceeds of her inheritance, as she is in charge of her sister's disbursement. She kind of dumps emotionally for about 10 minutes.

I try not to jump in and 'fix' things, and realize that man, I need some work on this listening thing as I am at a loss for words. I just try and say, it sounds like your really sad about this. And things like, I am sure your going to do that best you can with your sisters situation, and you'll determine what is the best course of action..

I think I did make one mistake, I think, seeing her so emotional brought me to practical tears, but I was able to hold it together. I say I'd love to give you a hug if you would like, but she quite forcefully said, no, I don't need a hug. Not sure if I should have asked or not..

However, I feel this is a pretty positive thing for us, her letting some emotion out to me, and probably part of what I had been sensing the last couple of days..

[givingitmyall]

Damn GIMA, this is great advice! I had been trying to compliment her occasionally, but doing it in the 'H' way you stated. I need to move exactly to what your talking about.

I can't take credit for that one. Sandi gave me that tip.

OK, you did great, right up to this:

I say I'd love to give you a hug if you would like, but she quite forcefully said, no, I don't need a hug. Not sure if I should have asked or not..

But, I think you know that. If she wants that, SHE will initiate it. I haven't hugged my W since the bomb. The only contact we have had is the occasional hand holding when we say the blessing at meals (hard to let go) or the accidental bump passing in the hallway. SHE needs to be the one to do this. I know it's hard. Just keep thinking what your goal is, and it gets easier.

I am not scolding you. 90% of what you did was perfect. Remember the perfect and learn from the minor mis-step.

Just give her space and time, and when she engages you, give her your attention and a listening ear. I cannot recall if you have read The Five Love Languages. If not, get it and read it. It really opened my eyes about how to show my W love and how to see when she was/is trying to show it to me.

And strength and honor is a great mantra. I repeat it all the time. That one came from Coach.

Slow, steady progress is what you want. Keep it up.

[iwantittowork]

Thanks GIMA, those mirror my thoughts on this.

am giving her space and time, That's what she is asking for, I told her I planned on taking d8 to beach, and she was welcome to come if she wanted. She declined, but she actually told me why she declined which I take as a small positive. She wanted to go work out, then work on some meditation and personal growth stuff. I told her ok, and to enjoy herself. I see that she is clearly asking for space, so that's what I will give her.

I have read The Five Love Languages, and hers are quality time and acts of service. Tough to give Quality time in this sitch, but I take this morning's 90% right during her talking as quality time. Acts of Service I do all the time, like doing laundry this AM, and making sure hers were folded and placed so she could put them away. (I have always done acts of service, but trying to find the ones that she likes is the hard part..)

I am off to the beach, and man is it nice out! Should be a great time with d8!

[iwantittowork]

Well, I must take the bad with the good, I suppose, but why does it affect me at times.

Nothing I can do about it, so just writing it down so I can try and move forward.

Came home from beach, and it's apparent W is gone and going out for the night. Proverbial lights are on, but no one is home.

And, she went shopping today, and bought new bedding for the twin bed in the other room she is staying in..

Well, somehow can't let that impact me at all, and try and reframe my attitude into something else, I guess I'll take d8 out for dinner..

[givingitmyall]

Well, I must take the bad with the good, I suppose, but why does it affect me at times.

Yes, unfortunately, you have to take the bad. That's what makes it a rollercoaster.

The reason it affects you is b/c you aren't detached. You have to work on that. It makes it MUCH easier to handle the downs, and it will increase your chances of success. Some say it is critical, and I can see why.

Have you read the detachment article from Livestrong? If not, I can send you the link.

so just writing it down so I can try and move forward

I hear you, and I understand. But, not "try," DO. Even if you have to make yourself do it at first.

And, she went shopping today, and bought new bedding for the twin bed in the other room she is staying in..

Not being an a$$ here, but she's still in hte house. Tons of people would kill for that. You and I have that going for us. I know sometimes I think it may be harder having my W aslepp in the room across the hall and I can't do a thing about it. But, I will take it right now over the alternative...and I'm sure you would too.

Well, somehow can't let that impact me at all, and try and reframe my attitude into something else, I guess I'll take d8 out for dinner..

Get rid of the somehow and do. This is where detachment will save you. So, make the evening about you and your D. Joke and be happy with your D. It's fun, will make you happy, and is good practice for joking with your W.

Come on, you can do this. This is the "STRENGTH" part of strength and honor.

[iwantittowork]

GIMA, thanks again, your correct on all fronts, seemed like I was whining there a bit, eh?

Yep, d8 got all dressed up to go out, can't believe how good she looks, so taking her out to dinner at the waterfront, we like to check out the boats as they go by while we eat.

Yes, I am GOING to have fun.

I actually feel better, think I am detaching a bit better, just blasting that crud down on my post helped..

Thanks again GIMA, you don't ever have to feel like an a$$ when talking to me, I need the 2x4 once in a while to kick start me off..

[iwantittowork]

Detachment. What an elusive word..

Had a great time last night with d8, got home and W had rented 'Yes Man', so watched it downstairs with her to cap the night.

She takes off for bed, doesn't even look at me or say a word. Ok, no problem I am actually ok with that..

This am, she is dressed up in short shorts, low cut blouse again, and takes off early. On the plus side, she actually tells me she'll be back in a while, has to drop off a friends cooler they do milk runs with.

However, she gets back a few hours later, and she is positively glowing, and I mean GLOWING, she goes to the coffee shop in the AM and sits and drinks a cup of coffee. Something must have happened while she was there, and I KNOW I can say nothing, do nothing, react to nothing, etc.

This is where I start to let myself get drawn back down, when things like this happen. I can not know what is going on, can't ask, and ironically, this is the way I want her to be when she is around ME!!!

How do we do that when I am the focus of her negativity currently, the one that stands in her way of happiness, at least in her eyes, etc.

Someone break out the 2x4's on me, I need them bad this AM. I am going to grab my ipod and go mow the lawn, hopefully that will adjust my mood a bit, a bit of exercise and music.

However, on the plus side for me, from a detachment standpoint, in the past, I would have been practically tripping over myself trying to find out what happened to put her in such a good mood.

Let's speculate that someone showed her attention, or was hitting on her, or whatever, to put her in that mood. How do I accept that, and use it to my advantage while she is in such a good mood?

Not in a manipulative way, but should I take those queue's to try and joke, etc, or is it best for me to back completely away?

[NoLongerHere]

Hey - I haven't read through your whole tread, but -
Don't focus on WHY - if she's in a good mood, get yourself in a good mood - if that's going to be mowing the grass or whatever. If you're both in a good mood and just in the same space, that's good positive energy. Keep the momentum. Don't push it - just be positive around her and see where it goes.