I don't think H is anywhere close to being able to start a new R with me, and judging by how much of an idiot I become when I'm around him, I don't think I'm ready yet either. Will have to work on the gradual friendship thing, very very slowly.
I don't consider myself needy, rather an occasional basket-case. I actually wonder where I would find the time if a new R with anybody should happen to come along. I had started working out before I left for my trip. Didn't do that at all while I was away, but have started up again. Post bomb, I lost at least 15 lbs. (which put me at a scary pre-pubescent weight). I've gained it ALL back and about 5 lbs. more, so I have to at least lose those extra 5 lbs., 10 would be even better. I guess that's what I'm doing for myself.
Getting over the depression? Hmmm. It comes and goes. Mostly i pretend it's not there. Fake it till you make it, right? Putting on my happy face is pretty exhausting, but when I'm with friends, it's actually genuine and effortless. I do feel like the joy has been sucked out of me and wonder if it'll ever come back. (There must be some guys out there who like Eeyore, no?)
As for being a friend to H, I would love to, if he would let me. We haven't been friends in so many years. I can't even believe that I haven't seen where my H has been living the past 3 years. He doesn't want me in his life. It's obvious and I need to accept that and MOVE ON. Is it stupidity or stubbornness that's preventing me?!
