You will immediately come out of this and feel soooooo much better when you decide you want to be with a woman who can give you all of herself. They ARE out there. You just refuse to see them.
I'm sure you're right. So, how do I transition to this point without losing my sanity?
gene simmons sang: "The first step of the cure is a kiss"
John, Sorry to see you are still dealing with this..have you done anything at all to end this? No.
Exposure, lawyer, what happened to your investigation? Can you W come and go as she pleases at your house? What are the guidelines for your daughter? How is she treating her? Has she mentioned her affair partner to your D any more? Does your D spend the night at her apartment? If so is the OM stuff still there...or is it your SS shaving kit, etc
How is your money going? Do you owe more on the house than it is worth and do you plan to stay where you are at when you retire? What happened to your SS moving into the apartment?
I ask to get a better understanding on your overall situation. My first thought is you should take Hawaii, use the relief program (great deal!) to cover your house payment, bank the COLA, and what a great opportunity to expose your D to another llife style. Hawaii is an incredible assignment. If you are being offered a job at PACAF then you will probably get senior and chief. Think about it...a big raise for your retirement check and the care of your daughter.
Will your daughter want to go with you? I wish you had done something legally before this opportunity...
Do not give up your ability to provide for yourself and your D to please your W. I have know many people who regret for the rest of their life on getting out or retiring before they wanted to for the spouse. And later divorce anyway...then you have no wife and no job.
Go see the lawyer and get yourself and your D taken care of.
You are letting her "normalize" this affair with your D. Talking on the phone, going shopping for a dress for the wedding, lunch, in and out of the house. Not a great example...nor any incentive for her to end this. What happened to the Army?
Remember, every single thing your W tells you is tainted in an attempt to cover her affair...in other words...she is a liar about everything. Everything is an attempt to make her A okay in her mind...and she will if allowed to continue like she has. I am embarassed to know that a SNCO is acting the way with an officer...I guarantee you that it is known by many people and not one has done anything about it.
Sorry for the ramble...nothing will change because you have done nothing to change the situation. Not willing to expose is why this is still going on...go see the lawyer.
AF, I 2nd everything that hoop said. You haven't dropped the rope yet. I was just like you a few months ago. Drifting along with the current and waiting for her to wake up. Well, someone did wake up, and it was me! Neither you or I deserve what our philandering Ws are putting us through. We have a lot of shared history with them, sure, and that is hard to brush aside, but until you talk to a L and start the D train going, we are always going to be in orbit around your adulterous W and unable to get escape velocity.
The really sad thing is that you will look back on all this advice later and say to yourself, "Damnit, why didn't I just listen and do what all these people had been advising me to do?"
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Exposure, lawyer, what happened to your investigation? Can you W come and go as she pleases at your house? What are the guidelines for your daughter? How is she treating her? Has she mentioned her affair partner to your D any more? Does your D spend the night at her apartment? If so is the OM stuff still there...or is it your SS shaving kit, etc
I thought she had ended it. She was being more friendly, visiting more often(calling first though), saying all the right things--yep, she fooled me again. She cannot come and go as she pleases at my house--she does not have a key--funny thing you should say that, she came over the other day and we weren't home and she got all pissed off cause she couldn't get ahold of us because she had my cell phone. My D has not and is not spending the night at my wife's apartment. My wife mentioned something to her and she told her mom she wasn't interested. As far as the way she is treating her, well, that hasn't changed that much either.
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How is your money going? Do you owe more on the house than it is worth and do you plan to stay where you are at when you retire? What happened to your SS moving into the apartment?
Money is good, no problems there. I don't owe more on the house than it's worth but, no one is buying here, so I'll probably have to rent it out in the event I do get orders. I do not plan to retire here--ever! The wife had a big blowup w/ SS and she told him he's not welcome in the apartment--I can't say I blame her on this one--he refuses to get a job and earn his keep. He even called me and asked if he could live w/ me. I said, to do what? He said, I don't know. I said that doesn't sound like a great plan. I don't think that will work out.
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I ask to get a better understanding on your overall situation. My first thought is you should take Hawaii, use the relief program (great deal!) to cover your house payment, bank the COLA, and what a great opportunity to expose your D to another llife style. Hawaii is an incredible assignment. If you are being offered a job at PACAF then you will probably get senior and chief. Think about it...a big raise for your retirement check and the care of your daughter.
If they offer Hawaii, I will take it! That would be a dream assignment--of course I'll take it--duh!! I cannot use the relief program I found out as we took equity out of the house.
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Will your daughter want to go with you? I wish you had done something legally before this opportunity...
Yes, she will want to go with me. I think she complains more than I do about the wife's demeanor. I think the reason I haven't done something legally yet is that I know that once I start that ball rolling, it's over. I don't half-step in those matters and I won't stop as the wife has.
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Do not give up your ability to provide for yourself and your D to please your W. I have know many people who regret for the rest of their life on getting out or retiring before they wanted to for the spouse. And later divorce anyway...then you have no wife and no job.
Not going to retire just yet. Only way I'll retire is if I can land a job making what I'm making right now in an area I want to be in. I've seen what you're talking about as well and no, I will not put myself into that situation.
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You are letting her "normalize" this affair with your D. Talking on the phone, going shopping for a dress for the wedding, lunch, in and out of the house. Not a great example...nor any incentive for her to end this. What happened to the Army?
I'm not letting her normalize anything. I truly thought it was over by the behavior she was exhibiting. She is still trying to go into the Army--don't know if she'll get in or not--I think if she does, she'll have a hard time w/ the PT--it's rough, I looked it up. We'll see.
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Remember, every single thing your W tells you is tainted in an attempt to cover her affair...in other words...she is a liar about everything. Everything is an attempt to make her A okay in her mind...and she will if allowed to continue like she has. I am embarassed to know that a SNCO is acting the way with an officer...I guarantee you that it is known by many people and not one has done anything about it.
I told my wife yesterday that if she's not home, I will assume she's w/ OM and that it's not acceptable. I agree about you saying every thing is an attempt to make the A ok in her mind though--she justifies it every day somehow I'm sure.
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Sorry for the ramble
You have nothing to be sorry for--it is almost over. One way or the other, I'll be ok. Thanks...
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
John, She will do and say anything to make you think the A is over so she can continue the A...you can only state VERY clearly by your actions that you will not accept her continued A to have a chance to save your marriage. While you are here she is with him. I am sorry to tell you that I think you have waited too long to fix it...I do not think it is over but I do think your W hopes to string you along until Oct when the OM is scheduled to PCS and if he will not take her with him she "might" want to be with you as a backup or last resort...neither of which should be acceptable to you. You, without telling her anything, should file for divorce and ask for everything you can think of, with your lawyers advice, on Monday. CS and a percentage of her retirement...you are in a very unique situation in that she move out and has an apartment...you should try to get evidence of the affair...even if not used it will give you some additional evidence for your case. You have to get to the stage in your thoughts that you are prepared to lose it all to force a decision...your W has made a major mistake in moving out with an underage daughter...much worse than I think you realize.
Again, You are doing well if you can realize that you must do something...go see your lawyer ASAP...this will give you an "out" when talking to your W...tell her you are not allowed to talk to her about Divorce because of your Daughter on the advice of your lawyer and your D IC.
You can do it! Forget about the thoughts you have about the Disney life...that is not real life.
Can you take a few days and avoid ALL contact with your W? The more often you are able to do this the better your thoughts are on what you want to do...it is very natural for you to want your W...stay calm and avoid/ignore her.
Go see the lawyer...you will feel better...use the equity that you have to pay for it...your primary focus should be on your D. Do whatever you have to so you can shield her from this "stuff"...she will forever be changed...only with your guidance can she grow, learn, and understand.
Take the PACAF assignment. Get promoted, get a tan, get involved with life, and stop letting your W control your life.
I am going to be crude...I am sorry and apoligize in advance. I know this is your W...f*** her, you are a great person, father, citizen, SNCO, etc...total package. F her and move on...she is not worth the effort you have already spent...go to Hawaii and enjoy life.
Again, no booze, take care of your D, get out of debt, ask for everything you can out of the divorce...EVERYTHING! She left her daughter...prove she left because of the A and you will be pleased with the results. Exposure with the fallout will only benefit you.
Do not give up ANY percentage of your retirement...expose and let the "chips" fall. You do not need pictures...get your 1Sgt involved...in 28+ yrs I have never seen one !Sgt that did not cause a final solution...I am not saying it will save your marriage...I am saying that the Shirt involvement will force the issue...I cannot see a officer that is a O-5 married to a O-6 that is retirement eligible give this up for a 15 yr E-7. You already know what she is...a booty call and nothing else.
Do your investigation, hire a PI to use in court. Send it to (accident) unknow.unkkown@yahoo.com ALL on base. Just a thought...right now I am mad for her treating you this way so I say go for it all...
This is not a game and you are not in high-school. No more Mr Nice Guy...you have nothing to lose unless you are ready to accept this. You will have to "give" away what many lose in court if you get started first without telling your W what you are doing.
Think about what you want...let us know first. Ask Puppy for advice...he is going to be your best most trustworthy person to ask...you have nothing to lose. If you try at least you will have that...but you must do something!
Been a while so I guess I'll update. The wife called me today all upset that she can't join the Army but that the recruiter said that I could. I had checked into after she told me about it and asked the normal questions about what it entailed. She asked me if I intended to pursue it further. I said, yeah, you were going to pursue it if I couldn't get in, so why wouldn't I? She said, yeah, you're right, you probably won't want me back if you get picked up will you? I didn't respond. After a moment, I said, Well, I'm sorry to hear about that, I really have to get back to work, I'll talk to you later. Well, she called 3 or 4 more times during the day. I kept telling her I had to go. She tells me that she bought a new car today? So, I played along and asked what kind? She tells me and tells me how much it was and then asks if I'm mad? I said, why would I be mad? (I mean really, what do I care? Our bank accounts are seperate--if she has money to waste then so be it as long as she pays child support when she's supposed to, right?)
Anyway, she asked if she could come over and show D her new car. Sure, no problem. While she was here, she kept pursuing and pursuing. Something clicked in my head about what Gucci had said in the past, so I backed off a little each time and the more I did that, the more she pursued. I didn't back off too much though. As she's leaving, she grabs me and says: I want to come home. I thought to myself, is that a question or does she think she can just come home anytime she feels like it? I didn't say anything and she left.
Thoughts on this interaction?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
John, This is a good time, if you are strong enough, for you to draw your "line" in the sand. Tell her this is it...you want her to come home and list the conditions. IC and MC for everyone to include your D, the truth about everything that has happened to include what details you may want, etc...ask here for advice on what to ask. Tell her you expect her and all her property from the apartment to be moved back by XXX and her in the house helping to take care of your D and the household tasks.
Overall I think this will help you regardles of what she decides...buying the car in the middle of all this turmoil with a possible divorce, Army, affairs, etc is not good. For her to do that without discussion is a sign that she continues to plan on not coming back and to continue doing whatever she wants to include the affair. There should be no doubt to you that it is still going on...do not try to convince yourself otherwise...to do so will cloud your judgement.
You know what she paid for the car. Will adding that to the household bills create a problem when/if she returns? A penalty for breaking the lease? What other bills has she created? Something to think about...you could still find yourself liable for the bills she has created...even more so if she returns home. Be careful.
Your call but this is a good time to end it...at least this way you will always know that you did everything you could and if it ends you will not spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been.
Tell her, give her a date, (do not back down this time, if you do accept this is your new way of life, forever) if not go see a lawyer before she is so far in debt you get nothing to help raise your daughter.
