Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, gals and guys, I'm still alive (like it or not). Y'all are so sweet to keep reading and posting to me even with as depressing as it must be to read my posts.

I'm going to put this at the beginning of the post to help out those who would sleep through this if I put it at the end, because I would like to get some second opinions here. I am getting pressure from my mother to resolve the issue about my medical insurance and find out once and for all whether there is an option for me to be on H's. I don't want to talk to him at all, we haven't communicated in almost three months, I don't know if he even has any insurance himself, and given that he clearly told me I should deal with my insurance on my own, I am not inclined to contact him about this. But my mother is being a little pushy, saying I can't let this sitch continue, I _have_ to arrange for insurance because it's not an option for me to leave the possibility open that I might be in an accident or something and if I could even get medical care (since some places get sticky about treating anyone without insurance), she would have to drain down her savings to pay for my care because H wouldn't take responsibility, and if she was going to pay for my insurance (which I don't really want her to do), she needed to know if I could get on H's. I indicated that I'd rather she just let me die, and she got mad and said she was my mother and that wasn't an option. Guess I can't blame her, even though I really am serious about preferring to be dead. I really would prefer not to involve her in this, and I don't want her (or anyone's) charity--I am an adult, after all--but I don't know how to avoid her involvement under the circumstances.

So the question is this...should I break NC and ask H about the possibility of me being on his insurance, despite all of the excellent reasons to stay dark? I don't know if he knows that I can't have pre-existing conditions (like my depression) covered any other way than my being on his insurance (unless I were to get a job with benefits, which isn't likely). Nor do I know if he realizes that I know that if he has insurance, legally I'm entitled to be on it too. I don't plan on discussing any more of this with him than absolutely necessary. What thoughts do you all have on this? Is there any point to contacting him? Anything about this topic that you think I am missing here?

Grace, and Andabelle, you are right, I have slacked off on my exercise, and I need to fix that. I don't discount meds at all--you will see me recommending them to people on other threads here. I have been off and on ADs for eight years now, and I think they can make a big difference for many people. If it weren't for the insurance sitch, I wouldn't have gone off in the first place.

Mishka, actually, I have never tried the alternative medicine herb-type remedies. I am not entirely sure why; it's not like I love being on drugs, and I'm very into the organic, closer-to-nature lifestyle. I think it is because it was always easier to just let a professional decide what I should take rather than try to figure it out all by myself. I mean, if you aren't going to a doctor and getting a prescription, what/whom do you consult, and how do you figure out what is the right treatment to even begin with? I obviously have some kind of deep-seated issue with trying to figure things out on my own that aren't a cut-and-dried type of problem, like puzzles or school tests.

What is wrong with me that I just wish someone would hand me the solution and I would follow it and everything would be fine? Does that mean I'm lazy, or is it a function of the depression, or what? I know I'm not stupid, but I am in a state these days in which everything just seems too hard to deal with...so I don't deal with anything unless I have to. That is why it's 9 p.m., and I haven't taken a shower in two days or washed my hair in three days, I haven't eaten today except for a handful of nuts, and all I've done since I got up at 11 a.m. has been to sit in front of the computer in my birthday suit. I mean, who cares? Nobody sees me except my cats, I'm not on a deadline, I have no obligations to be anywhere or see anyone today, or tomorrow, or probably most of next week (I have to respond to emails periodically, but don't have to actually interact live), and in public I can pretend otherwise, but the truth is that I just don't really care what happens to me. Is anyone surprised that I'm having trouble getting my website done?

I think this headache I've had for three days is making me a bit more maudlin than usual. Okay, maybe not, but it makes it harder to keep the mask on.

Kat, and Andabelle, actually, I forced myself to look into teaching calligraphy for the first time about a year ago. I never wanted to teach at all, so I wouldn't have pursued it if it hadn't been for the whole thing with H, but to my surprise, I discovered that I actually enjoy it. I haven't had a lot of students--my classes keep getting canceled for low enrollment--but most of them seem to like it, and I actually have two that I'm teaching privately now (they're neighbors, so I teach them both in the kitchen of one of their houses) because they have advanced beyond any of the others I have taught and two isn't enough for a whole class. I still don't think I would do well if I had to come up with formal lesson plans or ride herd on teenagers or younger kids, but I actually wish I had more people signing up for these continuing education classes I'm teaching.

Oh, and I like to post, even though sometimes I don't feel like my advice or thoughts are worth much. Kinda like spitting into the wind. I think it has to do with the fact that I will ramble/spout off to anyone if given the opportunity, whether they care to hear it or not...well, there are exceptions (like with H, since the bomb, as I might say one word to his ten words), and in RL I usually don't talk much to people I don't know well. But I've been journaling extensively and writing extremely long letters for years and years, so posting here is an offshoot of that tendency.

Golfgirl, I almost had to double-check to make sure your post wasn't actually written by me! That is seriously deja vu for me...so much of it is exactly my experience!

I've been on Lexapro, back when it first came on the market (heck, I've been on almost everything!). I'm a little surprised to hear about the issues with the side effects, as that is supposed to be one of the ADs that's less prone to that...although I have had side effects with all but one of the different ADs I've been on (8 and counting at this point)...in fact, the side effects are the main reason I kept switching meds. It's definitely trial and error, and I hope you and your doctor are able to find something that works better for you.

I have been doing a few things outside my house. I took my oldest "fur child," my 17-year-old cat (H and I went out and adopted her as a tiny kitten right after we got back from our honeymoon) to have some necessary dental work done this week. I'm happy to report that despite the three teeth she had removed, she seems to be in excellent shape for her age (I think it translates to 84 in cat years). People keep saying to me, "You're spending several hundred dollars on your cat's teeth, but you don't get medical insurance or care for yourself?" Well, yeah...the cats are my kids, and I'm responsible for their welfare, and I can manage without seeing a doctor; I don't have anything life-threatening. I'm not going to let them be in pain or be ill if I can do something to prevent it.

Last weekend I took a day trip to my hometown (where my mother still lives) for a party celebrating the 50th anniversary of some close family friends. It always makes me feel better to see friends and family, so it's well worth the effort if I can just get myself to do it. It's just that in the end, I go home alone. I was always comfortable being by myself, and in fact I need a lot of alone time...but it's a bit much when I spend a week without seeing or speaking to another human being except through text on the computer.

Last night I went out for a quick late dinner with my crazy MLC friend (the one who is in her second M and is hopelessly in love with an OM who doesn't want her). She has been a great friend to me for so many years, but I see us drifting apart, because she is so self-absorbed now (not that I'm not, but it's a big change from what she used to be like) and I am so tired of listening to her MLC nonsense. She spouts a lot of the same garbage that my H does and refuses to listen to anyone who tries to derail her insanity. I need all the friends I can get...but I have been backing away from her while she is just so completely MLC-blinded, as it is something of an ordeal to be with her, although she is better than she used to be.

My friend who, with his W, was one of my biggest sources of support for months after the bomb (with their permission, I called them in tears at 1 a.m. when I found some new horror H was perpetuating), has been out of work for a year. This week he got a new job, which is wonderful except that it is two states away...so they are all going to be moving. Major bummer.

And just to cap things off nicely, my pool, which I've been having so much trouble with (liner ripped out completely, and too expensive for me to fix) has about a foot of rainwater collected in the bottom, and I just discovered that the frogs I keep hearing out there have been busy...I have tadpoles in the pool.

Good grief, what would it take for me to write a _short_ post on my own thread? I'm quitting for now. Maybe I will actually go wash my hair. I don't feel particularly bad, just uninspired to actually get anything done. I hope you are in a better state than I am.

Peace,
Dawn