Thanks OD. you are so right. I need to remove the panic and take control.
I texted him this a.m. and told him I had to go into work early. He called right away, but I didn't answer. Waited about 2 hours then rang him back. He was annoyed that I didn't tell him earlier so he could swing by b4 I left. (or maybe that I wasn't jumping on his phone call?) He really wants his work papers for Monday so he wanted the files ready to pick up Sunday a.m.. He asked when it can happen and I said maybe tomorrow. So I just got off work and I'm dead tired. It's already 8. I have 3 kids to feed and dogs to walk. So I don't think I'll pull the house together by tomorrow a.m. either. I could put the files on a dvd and walk it out to his car when he comes. Then schedule a different time for him to get his tools. I think that's the best plan. Then I only need to beautify myself and not the entire homestead.
This is so nuts, this is the worst the house has every looked and it's not the change I need him to see!
We weren't on the phone long, and he seemed pissed. I kept it very short. At this point I'm sure he's expecting me to press him to get together or something. Last time we spoke, 3 wks ago, he had sounded really glad to hear from me and we had a nice long convo - until I asked him out for a drink. Don't know why he's so cranky right now. Maybe he's upset that he had to break down and call me cuz he didn't hear from me. ?
I know ...... don't bother wasting mental energy guessing what's up with the ex!
I spent some time making huge cuts and edits on the longest letter ever. I'm tempted to give it to him. That's a big NO right? I cut away the melodramatics and got it down to 3 pages.
Excerpts:
".... I won’t deny that it is disappointing, but understandable. I move on with a clear conscience knowing that I would have been a willing partner in the quest for a good and healthy relationship. "
" I know what work must be done on myself. If you ever wanted to be with me, I would come to you with an open & humble heart. I have learned a lot about myself and relationships by contemplating ours. This knowledge may have never reached me if we hadn’t separated. However painful it has been, it brought about some good for me. I acknowledge my contributions of wrong doing that have brought us to this place. And just as important, I forgive you for yours. Beyond the implication I expressed here I will never speak about reconnecting with you again. You know my feelings, if you didn’t know my inclinations before, you should hear that clearly now.
Despite what I want, I do hear you and understand that I am not what you want. I will respect that and will not suggest it again. I accept that reality at this point. I do not wish to put you under any pressure or stress."

No good DBing, is it? I don't have his address. This is possibly the last couple times we will see each other and I feel I have soooo much to say to him. Shysta. What to do.