Hello, I am new to the board but have been reading for several mos. Am hoping some of the wise folks on here may have some insight for me. Briefly my story is, H & married almost 11 years, together 14, he gave me the ILYBNILWY talk mid March 09. One week later he told me he "had" to move out. Couldn't stand seeing me upset. He denied there was anyone else when I asked. So he moved out the last Sun. in March & is staying w his best friend in a town about 30 minutes away from here. I am in our house w our 2 dogs, no kids. I knew something was amiss about a mo. prior, when he started acting cold & uncommunicative to me. We had our issues but like so many other people I've read about, was completely blindsided & devastated by the news. So, around April i found the DB book & devoured it, which led me to this website. I've even done the DB phone coaching which is phenomonenal. However my coach is on vacation til next week & I fear & may have done a DB no-no & really messed up.
If anyone has some advice or thoughts I'd be so appreciative. A bit more background, I have been trying to do the LRT since reading DB, so I've stopped the pursuing behaviors. We have a garage apt. on our property (currently vacant) & since he lost his job in June we've agreed to rent it out again. He has been over the last few wks doing landscaping & repairs. I had been hopeful that my LRT was maybe helping things, til last Sunday. We were talking about the lease terms, etc. & then he says, we need to talk about us. I have not brought up our R since about April, so I was nervous to hear what he had to say, but tried very hard not to appear it. He said he thought it was time to make a decision about the future, and how we should get on w our lives. Did not say the word "D". I was crushed inside but remained outwardly calm & tried to affirm his feelings, as directed by my DB coach. I understand how you feel, etc. I did say that is a big decision & he said, yes maybe the biggest decision of my life. Here's where I may have screwed up. Feeling desparately scared, I asked him if he'd read a book that I read & found very helpful. I was very clear no pressure, only if he felt like it & that I offer it not to change his mind but just thought he might get something out of it. And he agreed. No, not DB, but "The Truth about Love" by Pat Love. (Michele mentions it in DR, how I found it. I really liked it & it spoke to so many of our issues). So he took it & he left then I fell apart. Did not have any communication this week, til today I got a text from him asking if we can get together tomorrow & talk. Have I really screwed up any chance I had?? I am thinking I should not have given him the book, I've messed up & all my hard work to date. I have been so diligent about not discussing our R but I combed the DR book & could not find advice on what to do when WAS brings up R & starts talking about D. What if he wants to start on that? Anyone have thoughts on what I should do if he does?? I am tryng to be calm but inside I am freaking out. Anyone who has been through this or has thoughts. I have read so many people's stories I know there's a lot of wisdom here. Thank you so much for reading.
I'm so sorry about your situation, it really stinks.
I went through this years ago, and it worked out. Unforunately, I'm here again, for different reasons. But have faith.
You're doing the right things. You're being proactive, you're getting the coaching, you're not purusing. You're listening to what he's saying - I recall that being an important thing, listen, don't invalidate what they feel or say.
I don't think you screwed up with the book. I don't think it's a big deal at all.
If he talks about D, I'd ask, what's the urgency? We're dealing with a lot of things, can we just slow down and be sure. I think it's a rational argument that nothing is driving it to be done right away.
But regardless, filing or not - you're working on you. You're not going to save the relationship by standing in the way. It's not about resistance. It's about you. Get a life. Postitive mental attitude. This will allow you to put good energy into the relationship.
Remember you're going to come out the other side of this. Work on a great life for you. The idea is, then he'll want to be a part of it.
I'm still dusting off the cobwebs for myself, others may have good insight -
Hi Bill, Thanks so much for your reply. I guess I was thinking he read the book, took it as pursuing & now I pushed him away even more. I realize I'm projecting my fears without really knowing, but every time he wants to talk, it's always bad news. You are right of course. I am trying to get a life but still have work to do on that. Thank you again for the encouragement - I will keep remembering it. I hope your situation works out, you have a great deal of insight into this world - & a great attitude. I'm gonna keep working on GAL!
I'm going through something similar. It's hard knowing if you're doing the "right thing" or not.
What I've learned is that it's impossible to always do the best possible thing every instant. Just accept that you will mess up occasionally and move on and do better next time.
I've also realized that there's not magic formula that will fix everything in one day. I think in DR it said that it would take at least one month for every year of marriage. I've realized that one e-mail or phone call or conversation will not fix it all and bring my wife back. Instead, it's going to take time and many, many conversations - if at all.
At the very least, you're working on you and that's a good thing.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. Talking when he ask, and not showing emotion is usually a good thing. And especially if he is not bringing up D, than maybe you are moving on the right path, my W and I can't usually have any R talk without her throwing in an immediate D.
Chances are he said yes to reading the book, but will not bother, and I would not even mention it again. He will most likely lie, or you will have your feelings hurt by the answer you get. JMO.
Just do your best to keep up a PMA, and GAL. Shock
That's my thought - he probably didn't read the book. I wouldn't worry about that.
Projecting your fears is a big one. Act "as if" when you're talking with him. Keep a positive attitude. Don't over-analyze, you'll drive yourself nuts. Take a walk, do a hobby, something. Remember you have an identity beyond this scenario. What do you enjoy?
Thanks Lonely Wolf & Shocked, great advice. Definitely won't bring up the book anymore.
I am sorry for your situations but am so grateful to get your replies. Hearing your perspectives is incredibly helpful. As a newbie here I truly do feel uncertain so am glad to get nudged back on track! Think I have a lot to learn about patience, & yes i remember in DR it says about a mo. for ea. year of marriage, well I'm not even halfway there yet! I think Bill you are so right, it has to be about changing me. Great advice.
I'm so sorry about your situation, it really stinks.
I went through this years ago, and it worked out. Unforunately, I'm here again, for different reasons. But have faith.
You're doing the right things. You're being proactive, you're getting the coaching, you're not purusing. You're listening to what he's saying - I recall that being an important thing, listen, don't invalidate what they feel or say.
I don't think you screwed up with the book. I don't think it's a big deal at all.
Quote:
If he talks about D, I'd ask, what's the urgency? We're dealing with a lot of things, can we just slow down and be sure. I think it's a rational argument that nothing is driving it to be done right away.
But regardless, filing or not - you're working on you. You're not going to save the relationship by standing in the way. It's not about resistance. It's about you. Get a life. Postitive mental attitude. This will allow you to put good energy into the relationship.
Remember you're going to come out the other side of this. Work on a great life for you. The idea is, then he'll want to be a part of it.
I'm still dusting off the cobwebs for myself, others may have good insight -
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 08/03/0908:48 PM.
Well, yesterday we had our "talk". And as I thought, he wants us to go our separate ways. Still hasn't used the D word though. So I asked him your question, what's the urgency, why now? He said it was time, his feelings were not going to change, counseling won't help (we've never gone together - he was seeing a C on his own a few times & I saw one on my own. He is pretty passive but something - or someone seems to be pressing him to make this permanent. Maybe it's his best friend who he's living with since March (BTW who has been married - and divorced - 3 times!) I don't know. I just did my best to remain calm & he said, "you're being very measured, & careful w your words. Sounds like counselor speak". I said it's not counselor speak but true I am being careful w my words. He said I'd feel better if you'd cry or yell or hit me. Now mind you we had very few arguments while married & a very few that included yelling and NEVER hitting. Sounds like his drama queen roommate coached him on that.
Without going on & on @ the details, I ended the meeting (2 1/2 hrs!) by saying, we have to talk more, I need some time. We didn't even talk about finances, house or any of that stuff! (BTW he's not working right now, got laid off in June). I needed to buy some time while I figure out what to do. I am suppossed to say OK, because I don't want to say that. I want to continue DB'ing if I can but just not sure what to do next. (Aside from GAL & PMA). What do you make of this?
