I feel now the better thing to do was to not sit at home those 5hrs. I should have gone out had a good time and showed that I will not tolerate the disrespect. I'm trying to do that now. Funny thing is that I must admit that H was inconsiderate with time from when we were dating - but it all added up to big inconsideration and disrespect.
You handled that so brilliantly!!!! Awesome!!! They should have a DB award of the month or something, and you should win it for that!
The wonderful thing is that you are having such insight and understanding. I think most of us go through life (well me at least) kind of doing the same thing over and over again even though it's not working for us. It seems like such an easy thing to learn, but not really.
I just wish I could have seen your H's face when he realized you went to the movie and had a great time!!! Karen
Thanks for the ecouragement. Karen, I think you are so right that H must have been shocked to hear that I went. In fact, he kept saying that I must havve gone with some guy even though I told him I went with my girlfriend. He had left me a message when I was in the movie but I didn't listen to it until yesterday and his message was: Sorry i didn't come through, I know you must be mad. Tell me this guy doesn't know EXACTLY what he's doing. In a way it's kinda sick adn demented... he insists on coming with me and then purposely stands me up. But I know its his own sick play for power. If you think that was handled well, get this... he said next week he will make it up and make the arrangements. I plan on not bringing it up to him - it was his promise right. But either in the movie or after he will hear that I went to a movie again.
You know guys, I really think all this insight is coming from not just you guys but all the books I'm reading like DB, the Tao, inner peace, relationships, etc. But I get so scared of going back to the way I was with H having these big arguments and no peace in the home. I don't want to be that person anymore. This weekend we had a brief moment of one of those arguments and it scared me. I went and toke a break in the back yard and then calmed down, and H and I actually worked it out after. I want to own my feelings but I no longer want to be an emotional basketcase.. you what I mean. Affairs are so emotionally stressful and then we (meaning me) get accustomed to that level of stress and I just don't want that anymore. The galing has done me well, and I just want to enjoy my life now no matter what H and crazy ow throw at me.
By the way, it was so cool last night that when I called H back he was spending time with his son and in the past I would have felt slightly bothered/hurt to hear that, and I was actually ok/somewhat happy to hear that. H even put him on the phone to say hi.. he doesn't know me but it was kinda nice.
So needed to share another update... so from Thurs night I called H and we wpoke briefly, didn't hear back from him. Yesterday I was actually feeling depressed about where my life has come to, that H has disrepected me with all of this, that we should be above all this crap, and just feeling unloved. And to be honest the whole thing about how the guy I was talking to briefly pulling back, gets to me at times - I really thought this would have been my breakaway from dealing with H and ow. I was hoping that this was a really nice guy that would have been God's way of releasing me from all this crap. Anyway, that said nothing developed there and I should be done with that - but honestly my disappointment comes from feeling like I;m still stucked on this emotional rollercoaster and hurt from H.
So last night about 10:30 H then texts me I love u out of the blue. And I don't know if I'm being too callous but I wasn't impressed. On one hand it was nice getting the text because earlier in the day I was feeling down and saying to myself that nobody loves me. But on the other hand I was thinking that you love me so much that you haven't called to see how I'm doing, haven't offered to go out or spend time together right. So I just texted back saying "Really??!!" Then he tells me he was hanging out with his cousins and I went through his mind... ok. So now at midnight the guys calls me and ask about coming to sleep at home because his nieces are having friends over in the basement where he's staying. Then he tells me but first his cousin wants to hang out some more so it will be later. I had to second guess what to say to him so I told him to call me before b/c I might be asleep already. But in my mind all I was thinking is this guy for real... you haven't spoken to me all day and then want to crawl in late in the morning after you finish partying/hanging out to "see me." So I texted him after saying casually of course: hey I'm going back to sleep. Check me tomorrow. Have a good night." He didn't repond to my text so I knew very well he would still pop up at my door. At 1:30am there he was. I had turned off the volume on the phones purposely b/c my plan was to not answer the door. Sorry if this all sounds mean but my H has developed the habit of disrespecting me and putting his hang out time with friends and ow first and me last, so I'm trying to change things and not stand for disrespect anymore. The truth is that I think I've allowed him to do all this and continued to look the other way and still be a good wife. So no more. So he was there pressing the bell and calling the phones for about 10-15 minutes. Finally I gave in and opened the door pretending like I was asleep. But I said to him, "H it's late and I told you I would be asleep and this is hardly the hour to be visiting someone. This is booty call hours." And then he had his bag of laundry saying that he figure he would do his laundry at home in the morning since he will be here. So I acted very surprised and bothered... ask him if he will do my laundry too. He talked about going to the laundrymat around the corner so I told him I'm not so much bothered about the laundry it's that I'm feeling a bit used. And moreso the hour he popped up is just not appropriate. So in trying to test me he said, so you want me to leave. People this was so hard b/c of course part of me wanted him to stay and then another part of me was saying hell no, this is disrespectful. So I told him ok. There not at 2am he packed his laundry back into his car and drove off. He was pissed off. 2:30ish he texted he saying that I acted like a b--ch and that its all good I could go and be with my friend and he doesn't want anything to do with me. Can you believe him. I got the text and you know what when I speak to him today I'm going to act like nothing to it, didn't receive that one, I will be happy and casual as can be. Anyway, just wanted to share. As my sister says, H doesn't mean harm but he needs training. And I don't want to be just some man's convenience gosh darn it.
i think u did the right thing and i can only imagine how hard it was to turn him away! let him be angry, maybe it will teach him to not show up in the middle of the night.
u so did the right thing vicky, im proud of you.
watch, now he will take u seriously.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Thanks doodles. I did do the right this but it sure was hard. But it also feels good too. Not in a punitive way, but in a way that says "no no no, you can't do that anymore." So I'm proud. It's strange that H says he wants the M back but he totally wants the old M back, where he can do very little for the M and get away with it. He doesn't realize when he went and lived with ow he was having a cake-feast, the grand finale, per se. I don't know if this is typical of DB or not but after waiting all this time for him to show interest in saving the M, I now feel a little powerful per se. Not to say I want to abuse the power but I now have a leg to stand on to get what I want out of the R. Maybe I could be wrong, don't know but at least I'm trying to change the game and to set some boundaries. Will be a long road I think. Will see.
So H is putting me on no contact since he left Fri, oh actually Sat morning. Yesterday, even though a part of me said just leave him be, the softee/dummy in me called three times and no answer. I even sent him 2 text one that said what's up and then another late last night that said: "Hey sorry we didn't get to chat today. Hope you had a good day. Enjoy your night. Hugs." I know I know I should know better- total pursuit, but I wanted to show that I'm not mad or anything. Anyway, after that I said to myself enough that's it. I think Pup said something like this before that it's like punishing a child and then trying to pacify it, at least that what I was thinking - moreso sounds like something Pup would say. Anyway, so I did no contact today. I'm setting a short term goal, no contact until he reaches out to me. I so gotta do this. Please give me encouragement. He's the one not speaking to me right, so I should leave him be. I don't have a problem here, I just expressed my appropriate boundaries.
You know, the thing is, its not the time that H showed up that bugs me, I know we're late birds. It the fact that this is his usual habit to putting me last on his list after he's has spent quality time with friends and ow even. So I don't want to last on your list b/c I have the most convenience place for you to turn in at night.
Anyway I was a bit depressed though again today. I really do hate living alone. It's the pits. I felt lonely at home today. But trying to hang in there. I went out for a bit, then went walking with my friend, came back and listening to music. Great way to lift my spirits.
I think Pup said something like this before that it's like punishing a child and then trying to pacify it, at least that what I was thinking
Yep, that sounds about right, and it's pursuit too. You already know all this stuff. I'm glad you realized that.
You were just making him treat you with respect. That's a good thing, and a mature way of handling yourself. Your H is acting immature by reacting to that the way he is. I think you're handling it well now. Don't apologize for doing the right thing. Karen
So I held out and H reached out to me. Yippee!!! Sent me a text yesterday by first starting out saying that sorry that he didn'y get back to me but he was out having fun. Very mature right? But I know his big ego won't allow for anything else. I then replied very casually saying no problem, glad to hear he's well, and have a nice day. But I could tell he wanted to chat because he texted back saying that he felt hurt that I kicked him out again but that's alright and I must have had company at home that's why I acted strange and I dissed him. We kept going back and forth with me expressing that truly this is not about anyone else that I just don't want to be second to his hanging out etc. anymore. That I want more and that we need to stop focusing on other people instead of on us. Anyway the good thing is that becaseu of my actions, he was actually open to the conversation, even though he just kept on talking about the superficial stuff that I must had have someone in the house but he doesn't care. All I said was well I do becasue I don't want a relationship with more than 2 people and that would be disrespectful. He even said that he had promised himself that he wasn't going to come back to the house. But God works in mysterious ways b/c yesterday I was off from work and was in and out galvanting. It happen so that at 7pm I got back home and as I pulled in the driveway there was H pulling up in his work van at the house to get something out of the garage. He thought I went to work and wouldn't be home. I was coming in from the grocery store and about to go cook some dinner for myself. Not to be too mystical but another funny thing is that I had planned on cooking something H doesn't like but when I got to the grocery store I completely changed my mind and got something that he loves and there he was at the house. We ended up spending the evening together last night cooking dinner, H did some handy work around the house, and I made sure I gave him all the compliments for his skillful work and then he lft like midnight. He so didn't want to go. According to him he remembered our movie night tonight too that's why he figured he would reach out to me yesterday so we could fight it out and then go out tonight.
So this mornign as I was heading into work the perfect analogy came to me... H and I are like a cat with nine lives, it just won't die. lol
But I could tell he wanted to chat because he texted back saying that he felt hurt that I kicked him out again but that's alright and I must have had company at home that's why I acted strange and I dissed him. We kept going back and forth with me expressing that truly this is not about anyone else that I just don't want to be second to his hanging out etc. anymore. That I want more and that we need to stop focusing on other people instead of on us.
Vicky,
Why do you continue to feel the need to reassure him on this point? While I would never advocate outright LYING to him about a possible other man in your life, CREATING SOME MYSTERY is a huge tenet of DB and it's VERY EFFECTIVE.
You're not allowing it to work for you, in my opinion.
Ok maybe I have it all wrong and needed this reminder, but I felt like I wanted h to know that these are standards I'm setting for myself regardless of another man. I was thinking that I don't want to rebuild our R based on him having ow and me possibly seeing another man, especially since I was briefly talking to someone else. It just felt like too much immorality floating about so I'm always telling him no, this is just me. He keeps pressuring the subject about whether there's someone else adn he brings it up all the time and drills me with questions so that's why it keeps coming up. I don't tell him outright that theirs noelse he just looks for that assurance by asking all the time. Should I avoid answering and then appear to be cheating as well giving me message that I want him to be done with ow while I still seeing someone else. Trust me, i've given him full impression that in our sep I've been dating and he knows that I was very interested in my friend. But I told him I stopped talk ing to my firend since him and I were obviously not done and I want to keep my life uncomplicated. Wrong move? Any advice on how to do this is welcomed. Funny thing though is that no matter what I say b/c I'm not all over him and trying to set boundaries, he's convicned that its someone else there. Thanks, Pup and others.
Karen