I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Hi Stacey:

I do wallow and its bad. I learned this behavior from my mom who never lets go of the past and anything negative. I don't want to be like that because when she wallows and talks about the past and is always so negative, its annoying. I must be the same way! I don't want to be annoying to other people. I even find myself annoying when I wallow. But the good thing is I make sure not to wallow around my friends.

I was talking to my best friend a few days ago and she was telling me about how she didn't know I was going through such a hard time because everytime she sees and talks to me, I'm my normal happy, fun, joking self. I told her how I was feeling and she just couldnt understand because I was so different when I was with them. Maybe I'm just really good at putting up a front. No its not that, I love my friends and I'm happy when I'm around them.

One of the things I think I really need to deal with is being content alone. I've always felt a sense of loneliness throughout my life. I wasn't happy when I didn't have people around me. I know its normal to want people around, but its not normal to feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness when I'm by myself. I was watching Dr.Phil yesterday and the topic was Suicide and at the end, one of the guests were saying that there are 3 traits that people with suicidal tendencies have, and one of them is a constant feeling of loneliness, as if they don't belong. In the past when I've attempted suicide, that was the one thing that I felt. Loneliness. No matter how many friends I had, I couldn't shake away the feeling of loneliness and always thought that if I was dead, no one would miss me anyway. I know thats not true, but its somethng that I feel and something I know I need to deal with.

And because feeling lonely is such a big part of my problems, it makes it worse to be in this house where there is no interaction or communication. I think thats why I love cities so much, a lot of people, everywhere. There's always someone around. I just need to learn how to deal with being alone and not feel suicidal. Its something I need to speak to my C about. But I know she's just going to say that I really need to move out and be around my friends and meet new people, which in the end, is what I really want and need to do.