3 years of S, OW gone - What do I want?

[ourcrisis]

SH,

I have not checked in for two weeks. Last three years is not a waste. It helped you to grow. Next R (whoever it is with, even your H), will be on more solid ground because of what you know now.
OC

[forward]

SH,
DB C made a good point today and I thought of you.

Said that you don't have to decide if you want him back as a spouse.

Just work on improving the R.

I liked that. If it is meant to be again, it will develop naturally and gradually.

[still hoping]

Hi OC, forward,

I like what both of you had to say above... I do think that my next R will be better, whoever it's with. And developing a R again gradually is exactly how it would need to happen. Right now, I can't see it happening. Just returned from a nice trip, visiting family. I've been back one day and am feeling so depressed. H called the day we returned - must have missed the kids. Saw him when he came to pick them up and immediately felt like I was having a panic attack. I hate being here and seeing him. I don't know how to be in front of him.

And yet I still want to be with him.

How messed up is that?

So tired of wanting him back, of not messing up my chances of him coming back. It was so much easier being away and not having to see him. So tempted to pack up and go. Escape from this mess and this heartache. But as the saying goes, no matter where you go, there you are - or something like that.

Off to find a distraction to keep me from having a nervous breakdown.

[peacetoday]

sh
I like what forward said
it makes it easier
work on the friendship and move on with our lives
we will be OK
you will know what to do when you know
no rush
we are her e to grow love learn
no rush
either your H will awaken and want to work on M
or
you will awaken and move ahead
in the right time
peace

[forward]

SH,

What have you been doing for yourself, so you are not so needy?

How are you going to get over depression so you can meet the next person on happier terms?

[glamgirl]

SH I don't think you are alone in your thoughts "I just want to pack up and go". I feel that same way much of the time. I guess I feel if I didn't have to see my h all the time it would be easier to let go.

The problem is we are trying to run from what is in front of us and so wanting things to work out, but we can't force that upon another.

All you can do is be a friend and continue to make that friendship better and have a life of your own too.

[still hoping]

peace, forward, glam,

Thanks for your replies...

I don't think H is anywhere close to being able to start a new R with me, and judging by how much of an idiot I become when I'm around him, I don't think I'm ready yet either. Will have to work on the gradual friendship thing, very very slowly.

I don't consider myself needy, rather an occasional basket-case. I actually wonder where I would find the time if a new R with anybody should happen to come along. I had started working out before I left for my trip. Didn't do that at all while I was away, but have started up again. Post bomb, I lost at least 15 lbs. (which put me at a scary pre-pubescent weight). I've gained it ALL back and about 5 lbs. more, so I have to at least lose those extra 5 lbs., 10 would be even better. I guess that's what I'm doing for myself.

Getting over the depression? Hmmm. It comes and goes. Mostly i pretend it's not there. Fake it till you make it, right? Putting on my happy face is pretty exhausting, but when I'm with friends, it's actually genuine and effortless. I do feel like the joy has been sucked out of me and wonder if it'll ever come back. (There must be some guys out there who like Eeyore, no?)

As for being a friend to H, I would love to, if he would let me. We haven't been friends in so many years. I can't even believe that I haven't seen where my H has been living the past 3 years. He doesn't want me in his life. It's obvious and I need to accept that and MOVE ON. Is it stupidity or stubbornness that's preventing me?!

[still hoping]

Feeling like I don't want to spend any more of my time waiting for H to realize what he's lost.
Three years is a long time to wait for anyone, let alone a spouse who cheated and then left you for someone else. Then to add insult to injury, after that relationship fails, for him to still not want to come back...

I keep thinking of the words we exchanged immediately after I discovered his A. How he blamed me and actually cursed at ME, as if it were all my fault. How I tried to get through to him when I suspected he was having an A and how he made me feel ashamed for accusing him. How he lied to me and treated me like a stranger, having no concern for me or our kids after he left. How could I want this person back?

I know that I need to change my mindset and stop thinking of this time as waiting for my H to come home. A lot more work still needs to be done on myself. I know what needs to be done but can't seem to bring myself to do it. Stuck feeling humiliated and done wrong (what's the word for that?).

Also not sure how to be around H now that he's not with ow anymore. Available? Friendly? Less available? Make him miss me? Feel the loss? Does he need to pursue me again instead of knowing I'm waiting for him? (I say I don't want him, but all I can think of is how I can get him back.)

Need another vacation - hardly thought of H at all while I was away. Now that I'm back, it's all I can think about.

Somebody slap me. Please.

[cat04]

SH,

I don't think still wanting to be with your H is messed up at all. You may always want to be with him. You have to accept that as part of you if you can and not let it make you crazy.

We all wait for the OP to disappear, thinking that will be what turns them around. In some cases, that may be all that it takes but your H obviously still is not ready. Alot of times, they really do need alone time to figure things out, which is why the OP doesn't make things better in the long run. It is just another avoidance tactic.

I understand what you say about conditions of how you want him back. I do not view that necessarily as a bad thing. I love my H, regardless of what he does or who he is. I love him without conditions. BUT, does that mean that I will LIVE without conditions? NO. I can love H, no matter what, but if living with him is not good for me, does not meet my needs, then we really haven't learned much from all of this. I don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes you have to love yourself enough to know whether something is good for both of you or not and accept that as well. M is about compromise but not sacrafice. If you are losing yourself to the M, then it is not good for you.

Be you around H, instead of what you think he wants you to be. Just like if you met him for the first time today.

[forward]

SH, You have to remember that he will be different, too. You might not like him any more, you know?

He's changed. You've changed, too. Maybe if you met today, there wouldn't be any attraction any more.