What to do when H doesn't contact?

[Goodfight]

Really getting depressed over some of these responses. Maybe I should just stop the DBusting. Kimmie is right, how do you get a person to notice any changes when they have completely stopped all contact even with the children.

The last thing that he did was send our D12 a card for graduation from elementary school back in June. She sent his Father's Day card and a letter asking him to at least write her back and that she loved and misses him and he never wrote back. Keep in mind that he only lives 15 min. away.

Is this the depression getting worse or does he just not love us anymore? I'm so confused. We have a hearing for our D's braces on Monday and if he shows that will be the first time I've seen him since May. Our D's counselor said maybe since he didn't go into the the last hearing when he was in contempt of visitation that he wasn't told that he could write her and call her. And to make him aware that he can.

Our D is blaming herself now because she told her counselor about him drinking and driving with her in the car, and that she was worried about him and the counselor had to report it to the courts. So he is either mad at our D or feels like a failure since his lawyer was so mad at him for not going to counseling and the drinking and driving that she dropped him as a client the following week. He made a fool out of her I guess.

Any suggestions that could help me get through to him at this hearing would be great.

[jon2911]

Lost,
Just caught up on both of your threads. There's really no way to know what's going on with him. All you can do is show up to the hearing looking confident and happy.

He needs to hit rock bottom, that story about drinking and driving is really scary. Your D absolutely did the right thing, so sorry that she's being dragged into all this.

There are a lot of toxic things happening to you right now. What are you doing to get rid of some of the negative emotions? This article from Michelle helped me a lot, especially the working out part:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_take_care_of_yourself.htm

When we keep telling you to take care of yourself, it's because that's all you can do right now. Things will get better!

[karen43]

Any suggestions that could help me get through to him at this hearing would be great.

Well, I don't think you can. I think he does need to hit rock bottom, If you mean about all the negative stuff he's doing in his life. He has to work on himself. You can only focus on you and your daughter, and try to have the healthiest, happiest, strongest family you can.

It would be good I think to show up at the hearing and wear a great dress or whatever, and look and feel good about yourself. I know some people say that's not important, it's the inside, yep, that's true, but looking good never hurts either. When I was at my first hearing, I overheard a lady telling my husband how great his wife looks in her dress. Yes, I'm petty or whatever, but getting good feedback from others makes me feel good.

I think DBing is all about making positive changes in yourself. Your H may or may not decide to do that also. But why give up on yourself??? Karen

[Goodfight]

Well Jon and Karen,

At the hearing he was livid to say the least. I've never seen him so mad in my entire marriage. He said a lot of things that didn't make sense. Like he said to me and my attorney "You all got what you wanted". He was talking about the visits with our daughter. He called my attorney, our daughter's counselor, and me all liars and that we turned our daughter against him. My attorney tried to tell him that my H was the one that dropped the visitation and I don't think it even sank through! His anger has gotten a lot worse...I guess from them doubling his meds and then he stopped taking them. He was filled up, shaking, and yelling all at the same time!

I told him that our D loves and misses him and that she sent him a card and letter and he claims he never received it. I thought that is what he was going to say! Then he tells my attorney that the reason he stopped going to our D's counseling was because of an arguement that we had at one of her sessions (she wasn't in the room). I said to him that wasn't true, you came to the one after that one. He said "no I didn't". My attorney is now telling me to pursue the divorce since he is acting like this because he doesn't see any way that my H would want to reconcile.

I don't know what to do....he is not himself, he is sick. I want to save our marriage somehow. My H did say he will contact our D but was having a fit because she hasn't called him. I said we don't have your phone number and he in return said "you could have looked it up on the internet", I told him you can't just look up anyone's cell number on the internet.

I really don't know what to think anymore....do I give up on trying to save this M? Is my attorney right? I'm so confused.

[K4D]

Don't give up. Keep standing for your M. You said yourself that he is sick right now. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but if you do, pray for him and pray for restoration. Your prayers will be heard. Sometimes it takes longer than we would like.

It is not our timing, but His.

Don't let people talk you out of your stand. What appears hopeless to the human eye is not when He is involved. Many M's get restored in the worst of circumstances. I would suggest you go to rejoiceministries.org. There are many storys of restored M's even from the couple that started the site based on their own experience.

It isn't easy, but nothing worth having is. Take care of yourself and your D and stand firm in God and for your M. You are standing in the gap for your H. Don't lose faith no matter what happens. To many times the offended S gives up to early and walks away when things would have been healed and repaired had they just had more patience and faith.

You can do this. You are doing this. Don't quit on him. He is sick and lost right now. Things will change with time.

Kevin

[beepee]

Don't quit Lost.
You know yourself that he is very, very sick and from the way you explained his behavior, it is very clear to me that he is sick. Like I've always said, my H left me when I was sick and I would never wish that upon anyone and what I admire about you is your desire not to leave him because you know he's sick. You have a heart, you're not taking the easy way out like my H did. Don't give up on him, it's going to be tough and he needs a lot of time to get better and that's all up to him and you'll have to work on his timeframe. He might decide he needs help and gets better, he might not. But if you give up now, you will never know if you both could have had that chance again.

Continue making yourself happy, do fun things, increase activities that boost your confidence. LIVE YOUR LIFE!! It'll be much easier in the longrun to be able to deal with the sitch once you do so.

But then again, this is all up to you hun. Do you really want this? Would you be upset with yourself in the future if you gave up now? Go for a walk. Think about it.

Remember, time is your friend and you will get through this a much stronger person!

HUGS xx

[Goodfight]

Thank you so much K4D and BP! I guess I just needed to hear it from people that understand what I'm going through. I do love him and my heart aches that he would think we are all against him. And don't want our D to see him. It is not that at all but it was like talking to a wall today.

Nothing was sinking in, he actually believes what he is saying I think. He didn't even go into the last hearing from visitation so I don't know what his step-mother told him. But he is the one that volunteered to give up his rights.

Then saying he never got our D's card, finding that one really hard to believe. Then saying he didn't know when her elementary graduation was when I sent a note to get her dress. I had it with me since it got returned to sender and he just threw it back at me. It's like he doesn't want to face the truth.

I will hang in there, and yes I do believe in God and have been praying so hard the last 9 months I think he is getting tired of hearing me. Thanks for the web site.

BP, listen it's not easy living with a depressed person and I understand where your H is coming from but just give him the space and time he needs and I really believe he will want to try and work it out. Thank you so much for the HUGS and here they are for you too....HUGS! You are just at the beginning so please do not give up on hope, it might just take some time for him to realize that he needs to be there for you.

[beepee]

Hi Lost!
Glad to hear that you won't be giving up!
I know it was really hard to live with me and I can also see where H is coming from as well. I just see it as him giving up on me and throwing me away because its too hard for him to work on it. It wasn't easy living with him either after he cheated on me. But I never gave up on him even after that. I just think its really wrong and he's not even saying just give me some space to think about things, he's saying NO CHANCE, I WANT A DIVORCE. To me, that is so, so wrong on many levels. But what can I do but keep hope and continue trying to make my life better so I can feel happy with or without him.

Forget about what your H said about the cards and forgetting the grad etc, if he's not in his right mind, things he says won't make sense anyway and theres no point in making sense of it, it'll just wreck your head. I'm trying to deal with things like this myself and its a total headwreck. Just focus on you right now, that's all I can say really. Since I just started all of this (2 months at the end of this week), I don't have much advice to offer. Just to change yourself and become a better person and do things that make you happy!

[mermaid]

Hi Lost,
I read through most of your thread. You have received excellent advice but you are not listening. You want answers. There are not answers. There are no quick fixes. Your h is gone for now. You cannot change that. You cannot db if he is not around but you can work on yourself. You need to detach and let your h go. You cannot fix him. You did not break him. He has to hit rock bottom. He has to help himself. There are no quick fixes. This is so new to you so please give yourself a chance to greive. The old m is dead. Grieve for the old m. Help yourself and your children through this. They need to go to a C. Your h has abadoned them. You have to get healthy so you can be the sane parent. It is so hard to enjoy life at first. You have to fake it. You have to go through the motions. Eventually you will enjoy life without your h. Eventually you will be a new you and you will like yourself more.

If it is mlc it will take a lot longer then 2 years. Depression is huge part of mlc and therefore most of the same rules apply. This will take a long long time. You will need more patience then you thought you had. You have to let him go to twist in the wind and pull up a seat on the curb. Your h needs to go on this journey on his own. Go to the mlc board and find the resources, I beleive they are pinned. It will give you some idea of what you are dealing with.

Protect yourself and your children finacially and emotionally.

[Goodfight]

BP,

Has he filed for a divorce though? Mine did in Jan. but has not proceeded with anything yet. I was only notified....no papers to sign....nothing yet. If people on this board are telling me I'm still in the beginning at 9 months just think it isn't even 2 months yet. I know how scared you are, trust me.

Mermaid,
I know that you are right and I was and still am looking for answers. I'm sorry about that, I just get really afraid as more time goes on that he won't hit rock bottom and seek help or realize what he is doing.

Me and the children are in C, and you are right it is so hard to enjoy life and I do fake it around them though. And that's about all I'm doing right now is going through the motions. I hope you are right that at some point I will enjoy life again without him and I will like myself again. Because right now I have NO self-esteem at all!