Rob, I am glad you know fear is in there (your head) somewhere. I think we all carry fear after what happened.
Send her the flowers if you feel like. Dont overanalyse things. Be genuine, not smoothering, be passionate, strong. If she is in trouble tell her you are there. That's all she needs. Women NEED to feel safe. Love K
I do tend to overanalyze things these days as there is that part of my past that is trying to tell me that her "wanting space" means she wants to end it.
My rational self knows that is garbage, but after years of mental battering, I'm a bit conditioned so I have to keep fighting against myself until what I'm supposed to do becomes natural.
As for the flowers, I did send them, but I've had to change the delivery date to Monday as she took a last minute offer to go away for the weekend w/her girlfriends. I'm glad she went and told her to have a great time.
Again, my fears abated as she's sent me two texts since she arrived at her hotel and she's said she'll most likely be calling me tonight after she goes out.
I really like it when she goes out w/her friends and ends up calling me b/c it lets me know that I'm the one she's thinking about. I mean, I'd rather be w/her, but the fact that I'm on her mind is reason for me to feel good about us.
It is a process and a new thing for me, so I just need to give it the time it needs and I think all will turn out to be ok in the end. It is just getting there that is the hard part.
However, you have to walk before you can run, so the more patient I am, the healthier relationship we'll end up building.
So, I just spoke w/GF who is away w/her friends and I'm pretty sure she'll call back later too.
She said she wanted to call early in case she "forgot to call later." The thing is, I'm not the one who told her to call me at all. That is her choice, so she wants to call.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm fine w/her as she wants to be w/me. Now all I need to do is continue to do what I'm doing and just trust and let things evolve as they will.
It is difficult to accept and understand healthy behavior when you've been through so much that is unhealthy in relationships.
All part of the learning, growing, and evolution as a person, I guess.
I know. I'm overanalyzing things right now b/c this is new to me. See, it is moving at a healthy pace and is developing slowly.
I'm not experienced w/this b/c my experience has been w/unhealthy relationships that I've allowed to move very quickly so I could fill my inner void of being needed. So, I need to slow it down and relax.
It will be nice to get to that point where we're both comfortable and sure and we'll be there soon, I do feel.
Interesting enough, GF was on a "girl's weekend" but all the girls there were interested in "hooking up" and basically cheating on the men in their lives. So what did GF do? She called me and had me come and join her last night...so I did.
GF didn't want any other men, but wanted me and she was sickened by the actions of the "girls" in her group. Frankly, so was I. We talked about it a lot on the drive home today.
So, I'm basically worrying for nothing. She's in to me and that is very clear...and seemingly clearer every day.
Now, I just need to learn to let it happen b/c I feel it will happen.
So, we started back w/school yesterday, which means I'm naturally spent. Getting back in "the mode" always wears me out. I need to do whatever I can to get back on the treadmill this afternoon.
GF is still stressed about her job situation, but she keeps contacting me daily and we talk. I'm hoping she'll get some good news soon so she can start to relax. Selfishly, that will help us as a couple too, so I'm really hoping she'll get some relief coming her way soon.
I'll be here at work today and then off to my cousin's wedding this weekend in Minnesota before heading home to face my first classes on Monday. Needless to say, I'll need to be productive this week and get all of my ducks in a row so I can hit the ground running on Monday.
Play time is over and it is back to earning a living again, I guess.
It is nice to be back in a lot of ways, especially since it gets me back into a routine which is helping me w/my feelings over losing my dog.
However, this week (and next to some degree) really wear me out. I've been off for two months and it is always draining to sit in meetings and get geared up mentally for teaching again. I'm usually too tired to do anything when I get home, so my exercise routine gets thrown off quite a bit during this time of the year.
Top that off w/the fact they always feed us during this week and my diet goes to Hell and quickly. So, I'll be able to start exercising and eating correctly beginning on Monday when I'm back from my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis.
Needless to say, it is a pretty hectic week for sure.
Ok, things are looking up for the GF (just as I've told her they would be -- trying to stay positive for the both of us!). She's getting calls and has interviews set up for this week and early next, so there should be something coming for her very, very soon.
I know that will help her tremendously as that is her major hurdle right now. She's starting to turn things around for herself as well and she's made a "list" of things she's always wanted to do for herself and is now knocking them off one-by-one.
So, I think we'll be able to move forward w/us fairly soon and I'll just keep putting in good words w/the man upstairs to watch out for both of us...as well as for all of my RL and DB friends out there.
Well, the latest update on GF is she's been offered a job and has another potential one she'll discuss today. So, she's starting to get the offers I had a feeling would be coming.
I'm hoping once she's able to be back at work again full-time she'll be able to relax a bit more and we can then start to work on building things between us.
I was w/her last night along w/some of her friends and it is very clear that she's hesitant b/c of her past. So, for now, she's trying hard to hold off w/us b/c she's afraid of being burned again and that I'll end up being "just like all the others" who sound good up front, but in the end become obsessive and controlling.
I must be getting better b/c instead of jumping in and feeling like I needed to defend myself and who I am, I just simply said "What you've seen from me over the past 3 months is who I am. I'm not going to be changing that much if at all, but I know words are words, so I'll just keep being consistent until you are comfortable knowing I'm being genuine and real."
She liked that b/c that's what she needs right now. Actions not words.
It is a learning process for sure. However, I'm glad I'm able to grow in a positive way through all this.
I'll mess up - we all do - but at least now, I can fully understand why I do things and why the things I did before aren't healthy for anyone - especially me.
I also have a much better understanding of how to properly love someone, especially a woman. I'll never master this one, but I have a much firmer grasp on how to be a better man, lover, husband, friend, and confidant to a woman now.
