[quote Especially because I can see how stressed and unhappy she is much of the time - it's on her face, it's in her reaction to the boys, etc [/quote]
So watch for her to get real angry and you thinking what did I do? She's struggling inside and she is going to let it out on you, this is good. Be prepared, she nees to vent and you want to be the lightning rod. Do not match her emotions, stay calm, validate and be a pillar of strength. It's good that she is getting angry talking about divorce (numb=bad, anger=good). You are leading.
Your other issue about her staying committed until Retro. Doesn't the Hendrix book talk about a "no exit plan" (or something like that) while undergoing his counseling. Could you modify something like that for you?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So watch for her to get real angry and you thinking what did I do?
Interesting point Coach. After the fact yesterday I realized that for the first time (since the bomb?) we had that whole discussion about the R, and at no point during the discussion did she ever turn and criticize me. The whole discussion was "I'm not happy. I don't see any hope. I want to leave." There was NEVER in the whole discussion any "You Did...!" or "You always...!" or "You Never...!". I don't know whether it is good or bad, but it is a big change. I never got defensive, and during the whole discussion she never threw even a bit of blame in my direction.
Quote:
Your other issue about her staying committed until Retro. Doesn't the Hendrix book talk about a "no exit plan" (or something like that) while undergoing his counseling. Could you modify something like that for you?
It does have that concept, and I thought it was a good idea. I'm not sure how to implement it. In the book it seemed to work best because it was imposed by a 3rd party (the C). I am not sure how to bring up and enforce a concept like myself.
I would like to mutually agree to a no-exit strategy until the end of the Retro program - including the follow-up weekends. Some aspects of that program would be VERY difficult for me to enforce or even bring up. The parts about No External R's, no filing for D, no meetings with Lawyers, etc until then would be easy. The Hendrix program also has each person identifying and closing off other methods of escape that they each have - travel schedules that enable them to avoid their spouse, girlfriends they run to to discuss the M rather than with their H, Hobbies that take them away from each other, etc.
Our C is in a position to do it, but he is really weak about things like that...a great listener, but not much of a "coach" and in no way a leader. My W also said last night that she doesn't really see the point in going to see him any more - just wants to wait until Retro and see what happens.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/31/0908:00 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I think right now a discussion like this would fall under the category of "Rocking the Boat"
...no point in bringing it up while Retro is 7 weeks away.
Good answer. Why didn't you say this when she started the whole discussion? You two need to agree to disagree and live with it until Retrouvaille. You will not fix this with conversations, no matter who many or how few you have.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Suspension of reality is over and I am now back, and back to "real life".
No real change in my sitch, except that I am much more relaxed and a bit more detached. The only real difficulty that I had during the trip is that it was so fun and the scenery was so beautiful, that I desperately wanted to share it with someone - and for this my thoughts kept coming back to my W. This was then a periodic painful reminder of the reality of how things are.
The trip was a fantastic chance to re-unite with 3 friends from the military. Interesting to note that all are having marital troubles of one degree or another, and all of us thought we were alone in this until we started talking.
After a week of almost no contact (no cell phone connectivity at all while in the mountains) I came back to find W distant, stressed and distracted. She has new information that her mom's cancer is even worse than she had believed. No change in her interactions with me.
Retro is still on our joint schedules for mid September. Between then and now we are going to work in a family trip to visit her mom.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Welcome back. Sorry to hear about your MIL. It's good that you will go visit her in the near future. Just try to be as supportive of your wife as you can. This must be very stressful for her.
If you have lost a parent, how would you have wanted to have been supported by your spouse at that time?
With our sitch as it is, she is clear that she does not want to "be smothered" right now - hugs, a shoulder to cry on etc are not in the picture.
I am helping wherever I can to make sure she has time to spend with her Mom, freeing up time to make sure she can make the trip, etc. I am also visiting her mom myself next week since I will be in town there on a business trip - taking some gifts from W and some flowers from me.
I am open to ideas...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
If you have lost a parent, how would you have wanted to have been supported by your spouse at that time?
I lost my dad to a heart attack in 2003 (on my anniversary - could have been a sign?). I did not really want my W all over me. Instead, just knowing she was there and being able to get a hug or a shoulder was all I needed.
