Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[Faith2010]

I'm currently reading Dr. James Dodson Love Must Be Tough. Good book. Making me ponder the choices I have and wondering if at some point (question is when) I should give H an ultimatum. It talks about the disrespect that your spouse has for you when they are involved in an affair. I have set boundaries which, for the most part, have been followed.

Several days ago it hit me like a ton of bricks - that I was not good enough, not worthy. I was thinking no one would ever love me enough to fight for me. Of course this all stems from some things H said to me. Being rejected hurts. After a bit, though, I realized I can't think like that. When it comes down to it, with the sitch and our M like it is at this moment, H is not good enough for me. He doesn't deserve me. He's acting like a complete jacka$$ and honestly I'm tired of it. Sometimes I think "Let the bi!ch have him!" The man (if you can call him that) he is right now is NOT the man that I want to be M to.

I don't know if I'm coming across as bitter or angry but I'm trying to pull myself up and make myself strong. I'm tired of the sadness, the tears, the hopelessness, the feelings of unworthiness, the rejection, the anger, the rage. It's so easy to get lost.

I think something is coming to a head. H asked twice yesterday (morning and evening) to ML. I feigned boredom and was like "H (Name), really?" The unattractive remark entered my mind but I wasn't feelin' it. Either way, H got pi$$ed off both times and hasn't spoken to me since the last time he asked.