I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

So!!!
Tomorrow, I am going to Btown to look at an apt!
Now it's only a one month sublet but its a start. It'll get me out of the house for awhile. And while I'm there, I could continue searching for a job, a long term apt, and have more of a life because I'll be in the city!! Now I shouldn't get too excited yet because I haven't seen the place yet and how its like. It might be horrible but it's only $300 for that one month and it includes internet and cable and its fully furnished already. Don't know why its so cheap.. but we'll see what its like, hope it's not iffy. Theyre looking for someone for the whole month of August which is tomorrow, so if I end up taking it, I could move out asap and I don't need to move anything heavy at all since its fully furnished. I just need to bring the essentials like clothes, toiletries, laptop etc etc! And if I end up taking it, I am SOOO going to buy that bike so I can ride around the Charles!

So while I'm in town tomorrow, I'll do some walking around and then meet up with my friends later at a lounge and promise not to have more than one drink.. But I'm going to have so much time to kill before meeting up with friends. Going to talk to them later and see what the story is.

[mishka422]

Sounds great Beep. I hope it works out for you. Keep us posted

[beepee]

Well, the girl never got back to me about a time to see the apt tomorrow, unfortunately. Maybe she hasn't had the time to get back to me but its quite late now. Oh well, just going to have to keep on looking!

So I know you guys are going to be disappointed that I did this but I looked at his MS page What can I say, I'm BORED! Its friday night, I have nowhere to go. I'm all alone..
So what I don't understand is this..he took me off his MS page, but....all of my photos are still on his page. He hasn't taken any of them off. And I know he's been on a million times. And he's been adding girls on his page and if they were anything to him, wouldn't they wonder who I am? There's not that many photos BUT all the photos he has up are of no one else but me and him. And he also wrote a blog about us. A blog about when we first moved back to the states and how it was a new beginning for us. Its the only blog thats up on his page and he hasnt removed it. What I don't understand is why he removed me, but hasn't removed all those??

A part of me has hope that he hasn't taken them off but then again I'm probably just reading into things. He probably just didn't think about it or hasn't gotten around to it. But of course he has the time, he's on it everyday. He's got time to change his profile, of course he has time to remove my pictures. I know, its really stupid of me to even care, but I do this time because its something that has to do with me, that he hasn't pushed away yet? Know what I mean? I don't know anything about his life, don't know where he's living, don't know his phone number, he's blocked me from ALL chats and removed me from ALL his social networking sites . . but there I am, still in his profile in the form of a blog and some precious vacation photos..and its not like its photos of us together, its just me by myself. Agh, I'm just reading into things. He probably forgot they are there.

Its just that a part of me wants to believe that he kept them there for a reason, that he doesn't totally want to let go of me. When he left, he took everything with him that I gave him. He took photos of me, he took every single love letter and card I ever gave him, he took our stuffed animals. And when he left, I looked at his email (bad, I know, but I was desperate), I found a folder in his email with every single email I ever wrote him since we first met. He didn't know that I knew about this email address, it was his secret email, because he knew I knew the password to his other email and I think he was afraid that I was going to go into them and delete all the emails I ever sent him, when I was mad. So he moved everything into his secret email and saved it all. And he still has it all, I know he does.

I don't know, does this sound like someone who wants a divorce????? Because it doesn't to me. Or maybe he just likes to keep everything for memories sake? But I don't want to believe that. I believe he took and kept everything for a reason. Maybe he's ready to leave me, but just not fully ready to let go of the past that quickly... and soon he will get rid of everything.. I'm probably jinxing myself, all the photos will probably be taken down soon. Blah. I'm only doing this to myself. It's my fault for looking at his page to begin with. Even though it's wrecking my head, it still gives me a bit of hope. Not much, but some.

Ok, I'm going back to not caring about it. I'm going to go back to me. And what I need to do to make me happy
Still had a really bad/boring day. The highlight was watching the rain. Oh how I love the rain. The whole breakdown I had a few days ago has really gotten to me but I'm getting a little better as the days go by. I've been really down and haven't done much at all but use the computer and lie down in bed watching tv. Hopefully, going out tomorrow with my friends will get me out of this funk! Oh and WTF, we're all going to an Irish bar/lounge. What is up with that??? Thanks guys, I'm sure going to get over my IRISH EX at the IRISH BAR!! hehe but its ok, I'll be OK. Better to be there than to be here..

[beepee]

OH this FUNK!
I can't seem to get out of this funk!!
What on earth has come over me?
It feels like the beginning all over again.
I'm just getting angrier and angrier at H as each day, hour, minute, second, passes by. Like really angry. Angry enough that if he were to email me and ask to meet up, I would say no. Angry enough that if I received D papers, I would sign it right away just to be rid of all this. But just a post ago, I was saying how I still have hope. What is up with me? This extreme switch of emotions, going from angry, to hopeful, to sad, to really angry, to p*ssed, to wanting him around, to missing him, to just plain sick of it all. Is that normal? I just feel all over the place. I just want to be in peace. I just want to feel calm inside. I miss peace. I miss feeling content. I miss feeling alive. Blah!

Well, today is August 1st, the start of a new month. The start of a new me. I'm going on a diet today and pledge to lose the 100lbs I gained when I was with H. I already lost 30 of that due to my lack of appetite in all of this mess but I still want to lose more than the 100lbs, I want to look even better than I did when I first met him. That is my number one, ULTIMATE GOAL. Not getting H back, not preventing D. Its to lose weight. Because I know I losing weight will make me feel more confident and happier inside. My new weight prevents me from doing a lot of the things I used to do and losing it all would be a great start.

Anyway, I'm all alone again. No one is ever home. My parents go out to wherever they want to go, my brother goes out to wherever he wants to go. I'm left all alone but not like it matters, we don't talk when they're here anyway. Its all just a f*cked up situation. Its like they don't care at all what I'm going through. They don't ask me to go anywhere with them when they go out, they don't even ask me if I want to go to the supermarket. I feel so alone here, and I've always maintained that I would rather feel alone by myself than feel alone with people around me. I felt like that with H a lot of the times.

Well, I have the whole day ahead of me, really don't know what to do, but I have to do something 'cause I'm just gonna get sadder and sadder if I don't.

[davidswife]

Is that normal? I just feel all over the place. I just want to be in peace. I just want to feel calm inside. I miss peace. I miss feeling content. I miss feeling alive. Blah!

,
Yes, this is normal -- that is why it will help you when you're able to detach. It does take time, but soon you'll have more good times than bad times. Just recognize the bad times for what they are -- a fleeting emotion of anger, sadness, etc. You're grieving -- it's all normal. Accept that you're going to get down, but then when you do, don't wallow in it. Just deal and move forward. It seems like you tend to wallow in your misery -- but maybe you've always been this way.

Stacy

[davidswife]

Anyway, I'm all alone again. No one is ever home. My parents go out to wherever they want to go, my brother goes out to wherever he wants to go. I'm left all alone but not like it matters, we don't talk when they're here anyway. Its all just a f*cked up situation. Its like they don't care at all what I'm going through. They don't ask me to go anywhere with them when they go out, they don't even ask me if I want to go to the supermarket.

Okay, I'm calling you out on this. It is perfectly normal for your brother and your parents to go places. It's not their fault that you don't drive. It's not their responsibility to sit at home, nor is it their responsibility to ask you to go anywhere with them. You're a grown woman, if you want to go to the supermarket, use your words and ask. Don't expect people to read your mind. And for you to assume they don't care, because they don't respond in the way you want, is misguided and immature.

Take responsibility for your life -- no one else is going to.

As far as the weight loss goes, that will be great for your health. I don't know how realistic it is for you to start an eating plan now (don't say diet - diets end, and a new way of dealing with food in your life is an eating plan and will never end), with all the other stress going on in your life. And it's going to take a long time to lose the weight, you'll need to be very patient. Just don't put too many expecatations on yourself at once.

You say that you and your H were so happy together, but if that's true, why did you gain 100 lbs. in just a few years?

Stacy

[beepee]

Hi Stacey:

I do wallow and its bad. I learned this behavior from my mom who never lets go of the past and anything negative. I don't want to be like that because when she wallows and talks about the past and is always so negative, its annoying. I must be the same way! I don't want to be annoying to other people. I even find myself annoying when I wallow. But the good thing is I make sure not to wallow around my friends.

I was talking to my best friend a few days ago and she was telling me about how she didn't know I was going through such a hard time because everytime she sees and talks to me, I'm my normal happy, fun, joking self. I told her how I was feeling and she just couldnt understand because I was so different when I was with them. Maybe I'm just really good at putting up a front. No its not that, I love my friends and I'm happy when I'm around them.

One of the things I think I really need to deal with is being content alone. I've always felt a sense of loneliness throughout my life. I wasn't happy when I didn't have people around me. I know its normal to want people around, but its not normal to feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness when I'm by myself. I was watching Dr.Phil yesterday and the topic was Suicide and at the end, one of the guests were saying that there are 3 traits that people with suicidal tendencies have, and one of them is a constant feeling of loneliness, as if they don't belong. In the past when I've attempted suicide, that was the one thing that I felt. Loneliness. No matter how many friends I had, I couldn't shake away the feeling of loneliness and always thought that if I was dead, no one would miss me anyway. I know thats not true, but its somethng that I feel and something I know I need to deal with.

And because feeling lonely is such a big part of my problems, it makes it worse to be in this house where there is no interaction or communication. I think thats why I love cities so much, a lot of people, everywhere. There's always someone around. I just need to learn how to deal with being alone and not feel suicidal. Its something I need to speak to my C about. But I know she's just going to say that I really need to move out and be around my friends and meet new people, which in the end, is what I really want and need to do.

[davidswife]

It's good that you realize that you have a tendency to wallow, and recognize that you don't want to be that way. That's the first step to healing.

Also, good that you're able to recognize your feeling of loneliness.

You're working on YOU which is great.

You didn't answer my question regarding your weight gain.

Stacy

[beepee]

I understand what you're saying about my family. I'm not saying its their fault at all that I don't drive and I know its not their responsibility to sit at home and ask me to go anywhere with them. Yes, I am a grown woman, but I'm also a grown women with depression and who just lost her H. I think there should be some sympathy there, some attempt to cheer up my mood. Thats what you do when someone is down. You try and help them. Now I know thats not true for everyone, but for me, if any of my family members were in the same position as me, I would never treat them the way they are treating me. I wouldn't not talk to them, I wouldn't not ask them to go places, I would help them. Because to me, when someone you love needs help and you know they are suffering, you offer them the help they need. I understand what you're saying, but I have to disagree with some of it. I mean, I have had suicidal thoughts the past few days, they know that. But because of the emotional state I'm in, I close up and don't ask them for help. And also, if I ask them for help, the only thing they'll say is, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU and just tell me to get over it like they usually do and walk away. I would never turn my back on someone in that emotional state and I feel like the only people who have truly been there for me are my friends. I am sick, I'm not well, my depression is severe, I am sometimes suicidal .. If the positions were reversed and it was someone I loved that felt that way, I would know that it hard for them to ask for help and I'd do what I could to make them feel just a bit better.

I know youre only saying this to help me, but I don't think you understand the severity of the situation with my family and what they are like, and thats in no way your fault at all, I'm just not explaining it too well. Or maybe thats just how you feel anyway despite what my family is like.

As far as H and the weight gain, we were hapy in the beginning. We both started to feel comfortable with each other and I started to gain little by little and he did too but it just got worse later on when I found out he cheated, thats when the weight skyrocketed.

[davidswife]

I understand what you're saying about my family. I'm not saying its their fault at all that I don't drive and I know its not their responsibility to sit at home and ask me to go anywhere with them. Yes, I am a grown woman, but I'm also a grown women with depression and who just lost her H. I think there should be some sympathy there, some attempt to cheer up my mood. Thats what you do when someone is down. You try and help them. Now I know thats not true for everyone, but for me, if any of my family members were in the same position as me, I would never treat them the way they are treating me. I wouldn't not talk to them, I wouldn't not ask them to go places, I would help them. Because to me, when someone you love needs help and you know they are suffering, you offer them the help they need. I understand what you're saying, but I have to disagree with some of it. I mean, I have had suicidal thoughts the past few days, they know that. But because of the emotional state I'm in, I close up and don't ask them for help. And also, if I ask them for help, the only thing they'll say is, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU and just tell me to get over it like they usually do and walk away. I would never turn my back on someone in that emotional state and I feel like the only people who have truly been there for me are my friends. I am sick, I'm not well, my depression is severe, I am sometimes suicidal .. If the positions were reversed and it was someone I loved that felt that way, I would know that it hard for them to ask for help and I'd do what I could to make them feel just a bit better.

I know youre only saying this to help me, but I don't think you understand the severity of the situation with my family and what they are like, and thats in no way your fault at all, I'm just not explaining it too well. Or maybe thats just how you feel anyway despite what my family is like.

As far as H and the weight gain, we were hapy in the beginning. We both started to feel comfortable with each other and I started to gain little by little and he did too but it just got worse later on when I found out he cheated, thats when the weight skyrocketed.

BP,

It might simply be that your family is not capable of giving you the emotional support you need. I know that to you it comes across as mean and uncaring, but maybe it's the best they can do.

Not everyone has the same capability for sympathy, compassion, empathy, etc. If your family dynamics are as screwed up as you say they are -- maybe you need to simply accept them. No more judging, blaming, etc. Just accept who they are and don't take their treatment personall -- not easy, but it might help. Detaching from them will help, just like detaching from your H will help.

When is your next C appt?