back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[steady]

Question is do I keep asking and if W says no do I just go with kids? Would that just be rubbing salt in the wound?

Iwantit thanks. That is a good way to view it. The lovingly detach thing is tough with the kids around. Sometimes it looks like I am ignoring or disrespecting her. The kids are used to us sitting together or me giving hugs and kisses to all when I leave and when i get home from work. As well as saying ILY.

If it LOOKS like ignoring or disrespect then it IS. Detaching has nothing to do with ignoring, short answering, avoiding etc...your spouse. What it is is this - when you do interact with your W the things you say and do are said and done because it's the right thing to do and say at that given moment. It is not attached to getting a reaction, avoiding a reaction, to illicit a change in your W or your situation.

When your W says you are waiting around for an ILY I will tell you that is exactly what you are doing. Don't dismiss it without really taking a deep look. When you are getting off the phone do you think - "She didn't say ILY", or "I didn't say ILY", or "I wonder if she loves me", or some other internally reaction that feels like frustration or anger? The reason I ask is because I did those very things - although I didn't linger on the phone at the end of the conversation literally 'waiting' for an ILY, it was in my mind and coming out of me and read by my W.

You have to constantly keep bringing yourself back into your body and feel the feelings you are having. When there is any kind of disturbance you are not detached. This is true for your thoughts also. Be aware of them as they go through your head. Just watch them - don't fight them, just observe. You will also see that when you argue or have some kind of disagreement with your W you immediately go into your 'head' and run on auto pilot. If you can manage to stay grounded partly aware of your body, you will engage her from a non-reactive perspective. (This is the biggest nugget of gold that I have learned and the biggest nugget of gold I can pass on)

It's hard as hell to do. Try doing it for a whole day with a constant awareness of your body and see how many times you go in and out of it. It will show you how little control we have over our attention and focus. Your ego will hate it and try everything in it's power to disconnect you from it because it loves to live in thoughts - usually of past and future, on automatic pilot (a reactive state).

When in a discussion about anything with your W (and constantly throughout your day if you can remember to do it) put part of your attention to feeling your body. This will keep you grounded and focused with what's directly in front of you NOW. Now as you do this you will find a lot of times when you re-remember to do this. When that comes, you have just pulled yourself out of a sleep walking stage - where you are reacting rather than acting.

Question is do I keep asking and if W says no do I just go with kids? Would that just be rubbing salt in the wound?

Do you want to go? If yes, then go. Here's is a good example of how sneaky and stealth like NON-DETACHMENT is. You're asking if that would be rubbing salt in a wound. You are wondering HOW your going to church (or not) is going to AFFECT your W and your sitch. When you really detach, you will just ask yourself, "Do I want to continue going to church?", and it will not contain any thoughts about how it will affect your W or your sitch. It will be an answer that is best for you and your kids.