I don't want to shut the door on my marriage, but I need to emotionally detach myself, let go, and move forward, and have no idea how to do it.
My H and I have been separated for 14 months (he moved out). We have been "piecing" on and off for the last 12. By piecing, I mean, hanging out as a family (with son). No alone time, no real conversations, no intimacy, no hugs, no kisses, nothing of substance. He now tells me that while he loves me, he doesn't have the right feelings that a H should have for his W and he doesn't think they are coming back. Counseling is out of the question, he says you can't force what's not there. I do think there may be someone else, at the very least, an emotional affair, even though he denies it. I don't see any way to "work on things" any longer with him and I don't think he wants to either. He says the stress/tension when we are together is unbearable. I have tried to act as if, but the white elephant is still there. Now I know why - he has been trying to force feelings that don't exist. I see no alternative but to let go.
The problem is I seem to have some kind of mental block. I actually have panic and anxiety thinking about letting him go. I know that in his current state, he's not good for me and I need to protect myself, but am really struggling with it. As hard as it is, I have decided that I need to stop seeing him - which means skipping out on some time with my son, but I am simply not able to be around him right now. It is downright scary the hold a person can have on someone. I mean he has told me he doesn't have the right feelings for me, why do I still want to be with him? He doesn't make me feel good or loved anymore. I actually feel horribly rejected. Why can't I let go? I feel like a sick person.
Please give me some advice on how to drop the rope. I need to save myself. I think avoiding him is a good thing, but how do I control these obsessive thoughts that I have? It is so not healthy.
p.s. Yes, I am trying to GAL, making friends, hanging out, doing stuff with my son. I rarely sit at home. I've been doing that since day 1. It doesn't help me.
I think some of that is b/c you are still quite in contact with your H. Less contact would probably help you. And then continue lots of GAL. Focus on improving yourself. I think it's also something that takes practice and you get better at it as time goes on.
ooops, sorry about the truncated post above, I got distracted and hit the submit button by mistake.
What I had intended to say was some people (I remember Sandycay (prayers and hugs to her) as one and you, Karen, also)saying to stop the family time. Up until this point, I had been reluctant to do so because I knew that with no contact, there was no chance of he and I fixing things - we were so emotionally distant. 12 months later, and we're more distant than before - is that ridiculous or what? Now that I see that didn't work, I realize I have to do something else. Spending time together as a family hasn't seemed to renew his feelings for me. So perhaps they are just dead dead. If OW is in the picture (I can't prove this), then I know there is nothing I can do.
We are stopping the family time, but we still occasionally have contact due to son being involved in sports. We both want to go and be there for our son. Wondering how others may handle this. In the past, when we were in our "non-speaking mode" he and I would go to our son's sports events and sit apart from eachother. That was awkward and ridiculous. We do sit together now.
I feel so horrible for my son. He's 8 and cannot figure out why mommy and daddy can't be together because we get along so well, still "love" eachother, and never fight.
I really need to focus on me and him. This I know.
Don't worry about letting him go. If you're focused on that, it will be the last thing you can do. Just forget about it and go about your life as best you can.
You are already getting a life.....so it will eventually just come to you.
Your anxiety might (and might not) be best helped with meds. Or things like yoga. If you try to look at each moment as a gift....(as the moment is happening....i'm sure you do appreciate your moments)....it might help...you know the phrase...'be in the moment'.
peace and all good, sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Well so far, what you've been doing isn't working. Sometimes the other spouse needs to see life without you and how much different it's going to be.
Cut off the contact and see how that goes....it's going to happen one of two ways....absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind. But there's nothing you can do about either, but simply to cut off contact.
