In Limbo

[25yearsmlc]

OUCH!

This is a tough one. I ache for you and your sons...geez. When my then d9 asked if we were going to div, I'd say "I sure hope not, b/c we've been together a long time and I do love your dad" which was ALL true. Also I reassured her that IF he left for Alaska, which he did, that I'd make all my choices based on what I thought would be best for her, (my c suggested this line) and it helped her a lot. Also stressed what would NOT change in her life, such as schooling, neighborhood, etc.

In the meantime, your w is teaching your kids that losing her temper and stomping her feet ON YOU is alright, and it isn't. Not suggesting you keep on fighting, b/c you need to stand up for yourself but in a calm way. It really does project more strength.

And am suggesting if needed, you leave the room/house until she's ready to talk it out like an adult, calmly...good grief. And don't let her revise your history too much but know that you will NEVER agree on it fully.

Even now my h has forgotten or revised some things, and I had to let it go. What will matter down the road is how you both see TODAY and the future. Assuming you are not in front of the kids, and she goes on and on about how it's all your fault and she never got to grow up, blah blah blah you can tell her you'd love her to take charge of her life (Which includes taking charge of her temper), but as for the extreme revisions, say "I'm sorry you feel that way, it's not how I recall it" and leave it at that. Leave the room if you have to. She's rationalizing big time, b/c she has to. It's her time to justify and vilify and YOU are the target of that. This is text book WAS/MLC crap and all I can say is welcome to the rollercoaster, get a helmet on and wear your seatbelt. My h, with TWO medical degrees told me I "have always held him back from success"....(guess he didn't get the Nobel prize, which I FORCED him not to do??) and nope, he has no recall of saying that now...so again, forget about agreeing on the past.
Also, in case you have not heard this yet, when it comes to mid life crisis, Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. If she's in MLC and she sounds like it big time, you will have to stop worrying about each hurtful comment. I cannot tell you all of the things my h said that to me, sounded really insane. I mean, I actually asked him at one point to get a CAT scan and I was not kidding..."the gold rush I was stopping him from getting to"...wth?? "Alaska's not cold, it's BRISK"...."it's not dark all winter, you can see the stars"....(FYI, WE LIVED THERE 4 YEARS...) So um, don't sweat all the crazy stuff that comes out of her mouth. She is blurting out her pain and spewing alien spew on you. Assume she has been abducted by the MLC aliens and that the spew is something you need to duck and dart from so it doesn't hit you too much. If it does, wipe it off and move along...

But don't allow the revisions to go too far, if there's a grain of truth to it, you can concede that and say, "if I had it to do over again, I'd do some things differently" so she can see that the m can change and improve b/c you concede SOME things you would in fact do differently. That shows growth and insight on your part without being weak. It's sometimes a fine line...in some ways, she sounds so spoiled I almost wonder if she needs you to really stand up to her, but I don't know her so who knows?

At one point I told my h, "I'm willing to own my part in this, b/c I WOULD do some things differently, but I will NOT play the blame game. It's really unfair and it's very inaccurate". He usually stopped spiraling then. Usually, not always.

I'm hearing some wackiness on her end that you don't have to put up with. Be strong but do not lose your temper with her if at all possible. Lose the anger at least in front of her. I know that's hard, like Mother Teresa hard, but it 's so important.

If I lost my temper in front of h for being so selfish that he'd leave a family for a JOB, then he'd be able to say to himself, "W is such a b#@$!, of course I'm justified in leaving..." so you have to contrast those negative images that she WANTS now to justify, with positive warm ones.

If you cannot manage that, and I understand how hard it can be, then at least stay calm...in front of her at least. Dress well, Look your best, be a bit mysterious too. I mean, not saying date or act like it, but let her remember that YOU are a good catch as a man/husband. What does her family say about all this now? IF they're Italian, how do they feel about a wife leaving her family? And make no mistake, you cannot leave the house. Let HER be the one to leave if she wants out, so she "Can be on her own..." NOT YOU....you want the family to stay together so you stay IN the home...any lawyer will tell you this btw.

good grief. Good luck, and are either of you willing to talk to a c?

Please go yourself or make an appt with a DB coach. I found mine VERY VERY helpful and specific, which is what I really needed. Probably the biggest reason we are still together, is the DB coaching. Not to take anything away from my T, but the DB folks are quite specific and that helps a lot so you will have a bit of a "script" to follow. Maybe Sounds weird, but I needed it.

((( j )))