Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thanks Coach,

Then you kinda changed your message a little and she got mad.

There was a bit more to the conversation. I did make the suggestion that she/we postpone making decisions about this until the situation with her Mom is over. I felt that for her own sake, she should not try to initiate a D WHILE her mom is dying of terminal cancer - It would really just be so much for her to deal with at the same time. She didn't like that - responding that right now she had to deal with her mom dying AND a miserable marriage at the same time, so what's the difference.

You are fixing/rescuing/waffling here and look at the result. Do you see it?
Just be supportive of her about her Mom.

Agreed - I realized almost immediately and backed off of this. She didn't really get mad - she was much more mad when I was saying that any D would be her choice

You work on the connection with no expectations. This is unconditional love. Just do it because you love her. She's watching. Maintain hope for your strength.

Thanks for the ongoing support. It is really hard. Especially because I can see how stressed and unhappy she is much of the time - it's on her face, it's in her reaction to the boys, etc - and I just want to take her in my arms, hold her tight and comfort her - but I can't do that...

----

W just got all dressed up, smelling good, and went out "to run some errands and meet with a client" I know that the client is the OM she was Sexting with and who she still sees professionally because he is the only one in the area of town she is heading to.

Aaaarghhh! - She's DBing me


-----
Jumbled thoughts in my mind over the past 12 hours...

In my sleepless state I spent a while thinking (of course...). I was trying to work through how I would react to another A (PA or EA) right now. It is predicting the future, but it does seem like a likely event. W is feeling anxious and blue, she wants support and craves attention, affection and sex, but does not want any of that from me. She has lots of opportunity.

She wants out of the M, but does not want to be the one to end it...

I have told her that if she wants a D, I would accept that, but it has to be her decision and her responsibility. I think that if she were to start another A, I would have to treat that as a decision by her to end the M.

My boundary would then be "If you wish to end the marriage, and begin dating other men, then fine, end the marriage and then do that, but neither of us may date or have sexual relations of any kind (EA / PA) while we you are still deciding whether to end the M. A decision to begin such a R would be a firm decision to end the M."

I am still working through this - thoughts tumbling around in my mind - but I know that was clearly how I felt during the sexting episodes a couple of weeks ago.

If this is indeed a firm boundary, and if it is to have any affect, then it would have to be clearly set prior to anything happening. I don't know how and if I should bring it up.