I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Had more interaction with W this week - pick up and drop off the kids, both Tues and Thurs. All friendly interactions, as the norm.

Took MIL out for her b-day Tues - kids attended, but not W - she's still not talking to her mom. Whatever. She was invited, btw... Oh, and no ramifications (none expected - she knew we were taking her mom out...)

Had kids yesterday after work and into the evening. Brought them home around 8:30pm... W was on the couch reading - as usual, while she waits for us. I visited a bit, she was talkative, and real interested in what we did while we were out. I sat by her on the floor (she was on the couch) so I could play with D4 and the dog... W reached down to scratch her ankle, and I playfully scratched it too (I used to do that all the time) - she didn't withdraw or anything.... I noticed some stubble, so I playfully rubbed her calf, and made a gesture comparing her stubble to my cheek stubble (been 15 hours since I shaved) and she said "Yeah, I didn't shave today..." so I asked her how often she does, and she said usually every day like I do - otherwise there's stubble.... I touched her skin again and noted how I could feel it, but I couldn't see it. I then tested a bit - and started to rub (massage) her calf, which I KNOW she LOVES. She did not withdraw, so I kept massaging away - not in a sexual manner, just a leg massage. I then pulled off her sock and started to massage her foot - she laughed and said that it tickled a bit, but I kept doing it. By now D4 wanted something from upstairs, and W said "Just a few minutes honey, I am enjoying this." Concrete feedback. So I asked her to extend her other leg, which she willfully did, and I massaged that one too. We are both runners, and I knew that she ran that morning, and my 10+ years of experience with her is that she absolutely loves to get her legs massaged.

This went on for maybe 20 minutes, and I ended up staying later than I usually feel comfortable doing. I kissed the kids goodbye, and W walked me to the door and said "thanks!" - I asked her 'for what?' and she pointed to her legs and said "...for massaging my legs..." I told her I'm available anytime, and am glad to do it - no strings attached. She said "ok..." - I don't really expect her to have me on call...

As we parted, I asked for a hug (we do this on occasion) and we hugged and I told her "you know, things can be good with us again..." and I think she said "hmmmm..." or some sort of acknowledgement - it sounded very non-committal I believe, and I then said, "You don't have to be afraid..." to which she replied, "I don't know what to think...." And, that was it. I made eye contact, said 'bye...' and I was out the door.

I called her this morning, just to say hi. There was no answer, but she returned my call 20 mins later - said she was in the shower. I greeted her, and asked how her legs felt - she said 'great' and thanked me again for the massage. I reminded her that I'm available anytime - no strings attached - and she said "ok.." She sounded upbeat and friendly, even chuckled a bit. I wished her a good day, which she seemed to appreciate, and I kept it short. She seemed receptive. I've done this the past 3 Mondays too, and each time she seems receptive to these friendly, short contact. I won't wear her out, but just a quick hello, hope you're well, have a great day type of call every now and then seems to be ok.

So, that's where it is today... I get the kids tomorrow afternoon, we'll do something, so more interaction with W. I still consciously rehearse my DB rules before I see her (the rules I think that work for me) - but often I just wing it and I think it is becoming more natural for me... Isn't that what it's about - changing your behavior to do more of what works, and less of what doesn't?

I think I'll never stop learning...