My middle son seems to be taking it the hardest. Coming back from the Cubs game last night, she gave me another knife in the back about something and again blamed me for the last 15 years. I wanted to just jump out of my skin. She knows she is hurting me dearly when she says that. We had a few minor jabs back and forth the kids have to say stop. After we got home, I just left before I said something again that I shouldn't. Last night I saw my middle son laying in bed before going to sleep just staring at the wall. I asked if he was worried about me and mommy. He said yes. I don't want you and mommy to get a divorce. It about broke my heart. It breaks my heart and makes me so angry that my wife can't see what is happening to the family. She can't see the joy leaving our son's eyes. They had such a fun innocent life not less than three months ago. I like the idea of trying to make it an extra hour of "acting" happy. Will use that one.
When I she says she hasn't grown up. She feels life has passed her by. She has never made decisions on her own. All the big decisions we had to make together. Or even little one's such as buying a floor. She wants to make on her own. Supposedly on the three houses we have owned. It has been my decision on where we live etc..She has rewritten the past. The last house was completely her call...Marriage is about two people making decisions together. The one thing I am guilty of is being practical--knowing how much we can afford-- complaining when our visa bill is $4,000 per month. She feels having a job with benefits(she said health benefits are needed if our marriage doesn't work out)and being able to buy something without consulting me will help her grow up. She finally agreed to start paying the bills. Have asked her this for years so she understands what money is coming in vs. what we can afford. Finally she agreed a couple weeks ago.
Regarding her temper. She has had this since I met her 18 years ago. Six years ago, she started taking Effexor(the highest dosage) to help control it. I think your right regarding me contributing to things. Over the years including friends and family have always just tried to placate the situation. I would just agree and say your right just to calm her down. Her parents actually told me this is the way she was as a kid. She lumps me in with her father and brothers, sisters as treating her like a child and being controlling. To answer your question, yes it has mainly been financial issues. She said it is your money, your 401k. She said she hasn't accomplished nothing in my 39 years. I said can't you see I went to work, provided, while you took care of the boys. I tell her that she did a fantastic job. You have so much to be proud of what you have accomplished. She just can't see it. I probably am guilty over the years for putting the job and kids before her. But when I say putting the job first, I am not a workaholic. I would be home for dinner every night-6:45 at the latest, was always home on the weekends. I just was more of the hang out at home husband doing family things vs. wanting to go out to dinner weekly or to the bars. I know I should have focused more on what makes my wife happy.
You are right, there hasn't been much compassion. She hasn't had many hardships or sickness in her life. I have had to pay my own way to college, grad school. Everything in life I have had to work for. She went right from Daddy paying for everything(2 cars, college, etc..) to me paying for everything. She worked until our 2nd son was born then became the stay at home mom 9 years ago. She has no idea what it is like to have to earn your own way. I think that is part of her issue. I also firmly believe she fell out of love with me over the past year because of the insomnia issues. I have learned to control it for the most part. But there was never much compassion on her part. I just need to work on th 180's and not engage her in defending myself or trying to get her to see the "light". This is the most stressful time of my life..
Thanks for listening again Sandi. This website does help.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
