Divorce Pending

[Trixi]

I have been posting over in the Surviving Divorce thread, but I thought an update here would be good. Maybe it's something that you'll want to consider. I CAN tell you that we have been "dating" eachother on and off for the past 2 years and it hasn't worked, so time to try something new. darkness. But an agreed up darkness...THAT, actually, might be a HUGE problem because of the fact that H assumes I will always love him. The only upshot is that in the letter (that I reference below) I really listed out some crappy stuff he had done.
Anyway- reposted from the other forum:

Originally posted July 27th, 2009:
yesterday (our 12 year anniversary)I wrote a 4 page letter to my H that I read to him today in counseling.
But first, I finished up a guitar strap I made for him (belated) for his birthday.
So, today when he came over I gave him the present; (I tooled a dragon onto the leather strap- and it turned out pretty awesome if I do say so myself). He was a little weird (subdued?) about it. But when we got to the counselor he really gushed about it.

Anyway, I gave him props for being "brave" enough to sit thru all that I was about to say. There were several points where I really let him have it. The counselor made sure that he mirrored back what I was saying so that I could know that he heard me.

At the end he said that he didn't want to get a divorce right away. He was thinking that IF we did, to wait until the first of the year. And in the meantime, that maybe we shouldn't see each other. (since clearly "dating" isn't working for us.)
He was glad that I expressed all the things I am angry about. I gave him the printout; and found out that he has kept all the letters I have ever written him. wow. I had no idea.

He feels "bad" that he has been taking a back seat in this relationship, but he doesn't want to change right now either, so.....

His hope is that some distance will help him figure out what he wants; I said I was afraid that if all we had was "time" apart, that we would be in stasis until we met up again; in other words, nothing would be different. He has agreed to seek his own counselor so that he can work thru his ambivalence and aloofness (to everyone.)

I will take this time to go to counseling; work on boundaries; get my mind and body back in shape.

I warned him that if he does come back, we won't be "dating to see how it goes"--he would have to have a plan; he would have to prove that we are moving forward. He agreed.

He thought we should meet at the counselors around December 1st. (Later changed it to November 1st, so now I don't know.)

he was trying to figure out a way for us still to go camping, but there's really no way to go camping and not be seeing each other-lol. He suggested that maybe we could at least go to dinner sometimes and I said no way. He doesn't get to have mini-fixes of me. He needs to know what it would be like to not have me in his life. Not to mention, we are drawn to each other. I said "look, we know we can't keep our hands off each other. I'm not going to say I think it's "bad" because I think we're lucky to still feel that way after 14 years together; but I do know we have a hard time controlling ourselves." He laughed and agreed.

We decided we can only correspond via email. No IMing, no texting, no phone calls.

The counselor wanted us to agree to keep our marriage vows during this time. he readily agreed. I'm fine with it..BUT, I don't like that my H gets to still feel like I am "waiting" for him to make up his mind. KWIM? Not that I wanted to go out dating, but I would have liked for him to have to worry, just a little bit. Until this point, he has never worried that I would leave him.

But I did make it clear that he has really been a jerk. He said that he knows it; he feels bad about it. But, he doesn't (right now) feel like doing anything any different.

The time off will give me a lot of free mental space.

Has anyone (besides Miranda and Steve in the SITC movie) done a controlled break and had it be successful?

Oh yeah, one thing I forgot to mention. He told the counselor that there was a big part of him that really hopes we work out.
The only problem I see with that statement (and based on past actions) is that he acts like *he* isn't part of the equation that makes it work.

All I can do now is hope and pray that he takes some ownership in his part and steps up to the plate.

You know how when you don't see a kid for several months, when you finally do see them they look SO different? Well, I am actually glad for this time apart because not only will I get to just focus on my mental health, but I will also focus on really getting my body rockin'. And as immature as this is about to sound, I would LOVE for him to have his jaw drop on the floor when he next sees me. Regardless of what he decides.

Got into huge fight with my mother who was "sad that I was sad, but also glad that this situation would finally be over. but now was ticked off because H was 'dragging it out'"
I tried to explain that I get to have choices too, but it just turned into a big fight.
Annoying.