Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Coach]

She sighed, and said "How did we get here?" (not really a question, so I didn't answer). Then she said "Well, we are still going to this "weekend thing" (Retrovaille) in September, but after that I think we have to make a decision"

Up to this point, I was just listening and validating, but here, I had to stop her. I was calm, but said "No (W), WE don't have to make a decision. YOU have to make a decision."

Her: Why do you always do that? Why do you always make this my fault?

Me: I am not making this your fault. I am simply saying that if you want to get Divorced, then that is a decision that you have to make.

Her (upset): Why do you always get so angry about this?

Me: I am not angry. (Her: "yes you are") Me: No. I don't like what you are doing. I would not choose it. It does not make me happy. But I accept it, and am not angry.

Her: You are trapping me. You want to make this all my fault. You want to be able to be able to tell everyone this is my fault. You want to be able to tell our kids that I was the one who left.

Me: I did not say any of that, please don't put words in my mouth. I don't intend to go around blaming you. However, I would tell the truth.

Her: You just want to tell the kids that I was the one who broke up the marriage.

Me: I would tell them the truth.

Her: That not the truth!!

Me: yes it is. That is what is happening right now.

Her: That's YOUR truth

Me: And that's not YOUR truth?

Her: (long pause) OK, so I'm not happy, and I want out!!

Me: OK, I accept that.

Her: Why don't you want me to be happy?

Me: I do want you to be happy. I really do. I would like nothing more.

Her: No, you say that, but you don't mean it. When you say you want me to be happy, you really mean "I want you to be happy WITH ME". The With ME part is always there and implied.

Me: Please don't interpret it that way. I want you to be happy. AND I want you to be with me. But those two things are independent. I would rather that you be happy without me than unhappy without me.

Her: You mean you would rather that I be happy with you than unhappy with you.

Me: No. I said I would rather that you be happy without me than unhappy without me. I would also rather that you be happy with me than unhappy with me. I want you to be happy, but I your being happy or unhappy is independent from whether we are together. Obviously, the best case would be that you are happy with me, but that is something we don't know about.

Her: Well, you would rather that I be unhappy with you than happy without you!

Me: I did not say that, and neither of us can make that comparison. It is apples and oranges.

Her: Well, you aren't happy either. Are you happy right now.

Me: I am very happy in my life. Things are going well. I have a good job, I love my family, I have a nice life, good friends. Yes, I am happy. I understand what you mean however, and no, I am not happy with our R. In fact our R makes me very unhappy.

Her: Do you want to live like this, in an M like this, for the next 30 years? (later in the car together I laughed out loud and said "What are we talking about, 30 years, I plan to live longer than that!!!")

Me: No, I do not want to life in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage with a big wall between me and my W for the next 30 years. That would be miserable.

Her: So if you are unhappy, why are you making it all my decision and my fault. Why don't you want to end the marriage too??

Me: We have both hurt each other a lot in the past, but right now, in the present, the state of our R is YOUR decision. I understand that you don't want to be close, and you don't want to talk, and that you don't want to touch or have sex, and I accept that. But that is your decision to do these things. You have the wall up between us. You focus on your friends and shut me out. It is at your request that we don't touch or have sex. Just because that makes me unhappy does not mean I should share in the responsibility for ending the M.

Think, You handled this great. You really listened to what she was saying and enforced the boundary on her mind-reading/putting words in your mouth. You kept consistent with the message of this is a fork in the road, you have declared your stand and she must chose her path. Then you kinda changed your message a little and she got mad.

There was a bit more to the conversation. I did make the suggestion that she/we postpone making decisions about this until the situation with her Mom is over. I felt that for her own sake, she should not try to initiate a D WHILE her mom is dying of terminal cancer - It would really just be so much for her to deal with at the same time. She didn't like that - responding that right now she had to deal with her mom dying AND a miserable marriage at the same time, so what's the difference.

You are fixing/rescuing/waffling here and look at the result. Do you see it?
Just be supportive of her about her Mom.

I mirrored and told also told her that I understood her feelings. I told her that I agreed with her with one small distinction in the cause and effect. I said "Without closeness, or intimacy, or touch, or sex, I agree that there is no hope, and therefore, when I agree that when you do open up, or you do snuggle, etc, then I do start to see hope.

Which comes first the chicken or the egg? (no wisecracks please)

You work on the connection with no expectations. This is unconditional love. Just do it because you love her. She's watching. Maintain hope for your strength.

Sounds like your trip will be a great tonic for you.

Cheers
Coach