Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Well, all in all a rather depressing night last night. Fortunately, I am not on the roller coaster as much as I used to be, so it is no-where near as painful as it used to be.

I think this may be a long post, but mostly just journaling - and keeping everyone up to date.

It started out rather pleasantly: We have a standing arrangement for a babysitter on Thursday nights. (Sometime we use it for C sessions, other times just to walk downtown together for a drink, movie, etc.) W called early in the day "Do you want the babysitter to come tonight?" me: "Sure, let's do something fun and outdoors" In the end, we chose to go explore a nearby town we were not yet familiar with - a walk, some window shopping, a drink, etc.

It was pleasant and friendly. The town was pretty and lively. After a bit, we found a restaurant with a nice, tucked away courtyard with tables in it and decided to have dinner, since by that point we were both hungry.

She talked a bit about her new work, and her frustrations with some of the people she is working with. I happily listened, validated, and basically told her (truthfully) that I understood how she felt and that I thought she was handling it well. I was happy because it has been a long time since she has shared this sort of thing with me.

Then she asked about the mediator I had talked to. I had told her some time ago that I was willing to share everything I had learned, and now she wanted to know. So, I described my discussion with the mediator, and everything I could remember off the cuff about what he said about D and Mediation - the process, the costs, the topics, etc.

She sighed, and said "How did we get here?" (not really a question, so I didn't answer). Then she said "Well, we are still going to this "weekend thing" (Retrovaille) in September, but after that I think we have to make a decision"

Up to this point, I was just listening and validating, but here, I had to stop her. I was calm, but said "No (W), WE don't have to make a decision. YOU have to make a decision."

Her: Why do you always do that? Why do you always make this my fault?

Me: I am not making this your fault. I am simply saying that if you want to get Divorced, then that is a decision that you have to make.

Her (upset): Why do you always get so angry about this?

Me: I am not angry. (Her: "yes you are") Me: No. I don't like what you are doing. I would not choose it. It does not make me happy. But I accept it, and am not angry.

Her: You are trapping me. You want to make this all my fault. You want to be able to be able to tell everyone this is my fault. You want to be able to tell our kids that I was the one who left.

Me: I did not say any of that, please don't put words in my mouth. I don't intend to go around blaming you. However, I would tell the truth.

Her: You just want to tell the kids that I was the one who broke up the marriage.

Me: I would tell them the truth.

Her: That not the truth!!

Me: yes it is. That is what is happening right now.

Her: That's YOUR truth

Me: And that's not YOUR truth?

Her: (long pause) OK, so I'm not happy, and I want out!!

Me: OK, I accept that.

Her: Why don't you want me to be happy?

Me: I do want you to be happy. I really do. I would like nothing more.

Her: No, you say that, but you don't mean it. When you say you want me to be happy, you really mean "I want you to be happy WITH ME". The With ME part is always there and implied.

Me: Please don't interpret it that way. I want you to be happy. AND I want you to be with me. But those two things are independent. I would rather that you be happy without me than unhappy without me.

Her: You mean you would rather that I be happy with you than unhappy with you.

Me: No. I said I would rather that you be happy without me than unhappy without me. I would also rather that you be happy with me than unhappy with me. I want you to be happy, but I your being happy or unhappy is independent from whether we are together. Obviously, the best case would be that you are happy with me, but that is something we don't know about.

Her: Well, you would rather that I be unhappy with you than happy without you!

Me: I did not say that, and neither of us can make that comparison. It is apples and oranges.

Her: Well, you aren't happy either. Are you happy right now.

Me: I am very happy in my life. Things are going well. I have a good job, I love my family, I have a nice life, good friends. Yes, I am happy. I understand what you mean however, and no, I am not happy with our R. In fact our R makes me very unhappy.

Her: Do you want to live like this, in an M like this, for the next 30 years? (later in the car together I laughed out loud and said "What are we talking about, 30 years, I plan to live longer than that!!!")

Me: No, I do not want to life in a sexless, intimacy-less marriage with a big wall between me and my W for the next 30 years. That would be miserable.

Her: So if you are unhappy, why are you making it all my decision and my fault. Why don't you want to end the marriage too??

Me: We have both hurt each other a lot in the past, but right now, in the present, the state of our R is YOUR decision. I understand that you don't want to be close, and you don't want to talk, and that you don't want to touch or have sex, and I accept that. But that is your decision to do these things. You have the wall up between us. You focus on your friends and shut me out. It is at your request that we don't touch or have sex. Just because that makes me unhappy does not mean I should share in the responsibility for ending the M.

There was a bit more to the conversation. I did make the suggestion that she/we postpone making decisions about this until the situation with her Mom is over. I felt that for her own sake, she should not try to initiate a D WHILE her mom is dying of terminal cancer - It would really just be so much for her to deal with at the same time. She didn't like that - responding that right now she had to deal with her mom dying AND a miserable marriage at the same time, so what's the difference.

Throughout all of this she cried and looked upset. I was pretty calm, and to be honest really empathized with the pain she was feeling. I was not happy with what she was saying, but...

At one point, referring to moving ahead in our M one day at a time and enjoying the present she exclaimed "I can't just live in the present. I want to enjoy my life and I can't wait until I'm 50!!"

We left and on the way to the car I joked a bit "Well, maybe it would be the best thing that ever happened to me! :D" - "See!" She said smiling.

I told her that honestly, I had not been happy with the way that I had been treated in the M for a very long time. I also wistfully said that what I really missed was touching - Not sex, but touching, and that the hardest thing for me was not being able to snuggle while sleeping. This led to another discussion in the car on the way home about intimacy, physical touch, and sex.

I did my absolute best to mirror, understand, and empathize. (IMAGO).

Her view (summarized) is:

• She wants and needs sex and misses intimacy and touch.
• She wants sex badly, BUT she does NOT want sex WITH ME. (her words)
• She sees absolutely no hope in our R ever being a happy one.
• She also feels that if she ever gave in and relaxed and enjoyed being together "just for the moment" then I would expect things to be like that going forward.
• She does not want to snuggle, hug, or have sex with me, or share intimate discussions, or be close in any way, because that would just give me hope and lead me on - and she knows there is no hope.

I mirrored and told also told her that I understood her feelings. I told her that I agreed with her with one small distinction in the cause and effect. I said "Without closeness, or intimacy, or touch, or sex, I agree that there is no hope, and therefore, when I agree that when you do open up, or you do snuggle, etc, then I do start to see hope.

She said she understood, but came back to her point "There is no hope, therefore I can't give you any signs that there might be"

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But we are still going to Retrouvaille.

At home I told her that I had arranged for my parents to watch the kids through Monday evening of that weekend. I said I thought it was going to be a rough, tiring, emotional weekend and I didn't think either of us would want to go back home and face the kids and my parents immediately afterward. We could do whatever we want - even if it is stay in a hotel and sleep all day to recover. She said she thought that was a good idea and thanked me.

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Needless to say, although I was calm through the whole discussion, it really stirred up my thoughts and I had a hard time sleeping last night. She did too.

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And now I am sitting here, trying to work, but surrounded by happy piles of backpacking equipment. For my trip. I am flying out to Washington state and meeting 3 great friends from the Navy for a week of backpacking, salmon fishing, and generally catching up. I am really excited about it - we have been planning it for almost 6 months, and it is the first time since I got married that I have taken a vacation "for myself". I really need this time away.

I fly out tomorrow.