Fog is lifting for my german wife

[PortlandDad]

Thanks BR, KK and cp,

I only drop by here infrequently now. When I started trolling here, I was desperate, as I am sure many are, and I was looking for answers and commiseration. What I found was a community of people who were all going through the same thing that I was, and they were full of good advice and thoughtful insights. Over time, I really felt like I belonged here (and I still do!) and I gave back to the community as best I could. All the while, my attitude about my sitch was in flux: some days up, and some down, but always in motion.

I decided recently (after much soul-searching, prayer, tears, anger, and pain) that I do not want to be married to my W any more. Given the totality of what she has said and done, and acting out of the need to protect my kids and our future from her lifestyle and behavior, I am going to be filing for the divorce that is probably overdue in coming.

I really did hang in there. I don't think that anyone can realistically say that I didn't try to keep my marriage intact. I am not deluded: I know that some people put up with this for YEARS to attempt to win their spouse back. I have only been fighting since last Summer, and only REALLY trying to DB since about October. When I finally walled that crying, clingy, mopey internal child of mine into a place where I couldn't hear him anymore, I realized that my kids and I are better off without her and the pain that she was causing.

Because I am no longer DBing (or even seeking to preserve a relationship with my W), I feel a little awkward being here. Most people here are frantically trying to their marriages and keep their families together, as I was once upon a time. Now, I am the executioner and leading mine to the gallows. It makes me sad: it is a big change in me. I would never have thought it possible only a few short months ago that I would feel this way now.

Hrrm, I suppose I should update my sitch:

I had a conversation with the W on Monday. She was still talking like she wanted to come home. I told her, "whoa whoa! Coming 'home' isn't for you alone to decide any more!" She was miffed, as expected. She said that the only alternative she could see was for her to kill herself. I said that she was blind to one alternative; ask if she could come. I said that it would require that she come clean to me about everything; become transparent. She said that I would never let her live her sins down. I said that I could forgive anything but continued lying. That was pretty much the end of that conversation.

Tuesday, she calls and was in a fighting mood. She was back to her persona that had walked out on me and the kids in November: the break-up was MY fault, she was justified for all the years that I had mistreated her, she hadn't loved me for years, her BF was just a friend, nothing happened all those years ago, etc. etc. I had prepared to forgive and accept, but she blew that plan to the four winds. I told her that I was done and that I would be filing because I couldn't take her lies any more. She hung up on me.

I think she is trying to return to the United States and will probably be doing it very soon. I'm sure she is getting some legal council from somewhere. She doesn't want to lose custody of our kids, and I believe that she thinks she has a better shot at being in a driving spot if she is here when the D is filed than if she is in Germany.