Just so you know...

[bluerain]

I dont think that it was the cause, but maybe it contributed. I want to be really careful to not start going down a path of making excuses for him.

Phew, what a day! I had a big hike today, saw 23 otters and a harbor seal, there was a -4.8 ft tide, so I got to do some good tidepooling. I found a big rock with fossils in it, I decided to bring it back for my dad, so with my pack about 30lbs heavier I set off back to my truck. By the time I decided that it was a terrible idea I was too close to the truck to give up. So now my shoulders are aching, but at least I brought back a big rock? Its a really cool rock! It has layers of sandstone, coal and clay, there are shells in the clay and petrified wood in the sandstone and coal.

I got home about 5:45 and just as I was getting ready to make a cocktail my phone rang. This is the kind of thing that makes me NOT love my job. There was an injured eagle at one of the little airports. I deal with sea otters, exclusively, but the airline didnt know who had sent it over, or who was supposed to come get it. It had been there for 4 hours! I couldnt get ahold of anyone who works with eagles, so I went in to pick it up and took it to the vet. While that was going on I got a call about an otter so I headed back to the beach and spenta while looking for it, I finally found it, someone had buried it! So I picked it up, paperwork can wait till tomorrow, or monday for that matter! It was after 10 before I headed home.

I am disgusted by the eagle thing. It got there at 330! I just dont understand! The only reason I got the phone call was because a guy I work with out in the villages on the otter stuff happened to be catching a flight home and heard the story! The eagle is now resting comfortably at the vet clinic waiting for trasnport to a raptor center, It has an injured foot and is dirty from sitting in its own poo in a dog kennel for 4 hours, but seems to be ok otherwise.

[kassie]

I am not sure how you thought your response to H's negative comments was a problem in the R? Do you think it is normal for a spouse to complain about the other's weight? I doubt we are talking about you being grossly obese.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent... the question is - what behavior did you think was a problem? Was it constant? or occassional or one time? What would you change about that behavior?

BTW it sounds like you do interesting work and very helpful work that you can feel good about. How does H feel about what you do? Does he ask about it? Is he proud of what you do? Do you feel proud around him? or important to him? Are these things you could change? or things he needs to think about?

Just some ideas to consider in setting goals. I get the feeling that you don't know how to feel in his presence and probably he doesn't know how to make you feel good.

If he is uncertain about reconciling, then why is he calling you? I think he wants to work on it but feels lost or lack the ability to understand what needs to be done. What do you think?

[bluerain]

Kassie, congrats on the new grand baby! I dont know if its normal for there to be dissatisfaction with weight. Like I said, I was physically active, so I certainly wasnt grossly obese, I was pleasantly plump I like to think! But he has always been unhappy with his weight, he has the body image of a 16 year old girl. He is in the military, and he is by no means overweight, and when he would complain about his weight I would always think, well, if your fat, whats that make me? It was just the one time that I yelled at him about it, but he had harped on me about my weight fairly often. He never even said that it was because he was worried for my health or anything respectable like that.

He thinks that my job is very interesting, he has told me that its the kind of thing that he would like to be doing. I think that its the work with the animals that he mostly gets excited about. When I was a lifeguard he would talk about the rescues I had made and how they werent as big of a deal as the ones he had made, he was on a search and rescue team in the coast guard at the time, that if he hadnt been there the people would have died, and at the pool, if I hadnt made the rescue, someone else would have. That really, really bothered me. I rescued a full grown man once, I actually sprained my shoulder doing it and still pulled a 46 y/o man out of the water! And H one upped me by telling me about friend of his giving CPR to a head injury victim.

So I guess that its kind of nice to finally have a job that he thinks is worthwhile. What a jerk! I hadnt thought of that stuff in years!

I think that he had his second thoughts and Im not sure where he stands now. But I remember what worked last time and Im trying to stick with that.

[bluerain]

Today was a long day! Just seemed to drag on and on. And its not even 830 yet. I was just kind of lonely today. I miss sharing my day with someone. I tried to do all of the things that I usually do to take up time, worked on the greenhouse, laundry, cleaning in general, watched some crap tv (Bridezillas is my new dark secret ), I even cleaned the garage up a little!

Im just kind of lonely today I guess.

[futureunknown]

bluerain-

Thanks for checking in on my thread. Sorry you're having a lonely day. Your job sounds very interesting and satisfying, but I can see how you might occassionally feel isolated.

I sure can't read into what your H is thinking and/or feeling. Given how incredibly non-committal he's being, I think you should definitely make all life decisions assuming he's NOT going to be part of your life. Sounds like you're doing just that. How often are you available to him? Maybe you should not take some of his calls. Being so far from him limits some of your DBing options, but has the advantage that if you choose to "blow off" his calls, he will have no idea what you're doing, and that might really get his curiosity going. With him contacting you as much as he is, he's not going to like the idea of you moving on without him.

[bluerain]

Hi future, I have been availible to him basically whenever he contacts me. I was on facebook earlier today, I hadnt intended to talk to H today, but he found me on there and started a chat, I cut it short, I so did not want to because I have a big project going on at work tomorrow that I wanted to tell him about.

I feel like I am still really hopeful, but still guarded because I guess I dont expect him to be brave enough to try again. I was talking to a friend last night about it and I really think that thats what its going to come down to.

[bluerain]

I had to get an important document from H, so I texted him to ask him to send it. First he wanted to fax it, but the only fax I have access to is at work, and I was afraid I would get in trouble, so he offered to mail it. I told him that would be fine, and I thanked him. And I got... radio silence. No response.

I am so annoyed with him, all day Ive just been thinking about what a creep his is. Then tonight I saw that he has reposted the pictures of us with the dogs on his FB page. One of just me with our mastiff even. During the height of his A he took all the pictures of me at all down. So, blech... It dont think that it means anything. He just put the pics up.

All day long Ive been rehearsing what I would say to him. How If he is too much of a coward to try again, thats fine, but I am 27, if I have to start over, I'd like to do it soon. And some much nastier things. So I just feel confused I guess.

On a lighter note we have had 3 earthquakes today, just little ones, and I was on a boat so I didnt feel them. Spent another day on the boat looking for tagged otters, another wasted day, the waves were too big to see their feet. I have never been seasick, but looking through binoculars on a moving boat sure does get me close! Being on the boat is tiring, so thats nice, I dont stay up so late.

[bluerain]

I just applied to AT&T for a job that they have opening here, there was this test, like a personality test or something, it was 245 questions! One question was "A computer can be bought in a day. You get the best prices in stores, or on line" Do you: highly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, or highly disagree? I dont even understand the question, who comes up with this crap?

[mdoodles]

sounds more like a survey....

[futureunknown]

bluerain-

I've been coming to the realization that if we feel we're not being treated with respect by someone in our life, the BEST thing to do for ourselves, for them, and for the R, is to stand up and call them out on their bad behavior. There's a book called "Love Must Be Tough", and it says sometimes our spouse NEEDS us to call them out on bad behavior. They may initially react with anger, but that's only because they know they're being disrespectful and are being called on it. We DESERVE to be treated with respect at all times. Without respect, there is no R. So my advice to you is to make it crystal clear to your H what you expect of him, and if he's unable to do it, then you're done and you're moving on. If he comes around and decides to really try again, then there you go. If your true sincere and tough stance is met with apathy, dishonesty, or avoidance, then there you go too. There's only so much of this we should tolerate.

I don't know where my sitch is going, but my W's behavior toward me has improved greatly since I got tough and made it clear what I expect from her, even in the face of separation and divorce. I feel better about it, and I swear she appreciated being "scared straight" about what divorce is really going to mean.