Well, my therapist told me yesterday not to accept H ranting at me. Remember his raving(yeah, he was really angry)on Sunday "You`ve a lot to answer for!Can`t even talk to my mother on the phone now!" followed by "I was a f**kin fool to marry you" She said you have to turn your back on him when he gets like that. Let him know you won`t accept it.
Well, I was happy after Sunday`s `convo` that I called him on his language and that I listened and stayed calm while my heart was thumping in fear at his rage.
I`ve noted too that my detaching is getting him angrier and snippier by the week. I can just tell by the look in his eye, the curl on his lip that he`s angry with ME and ALL THE TIME! Cue xanax, meditation, prayer, self talk and now, setting boundaries on that anger too.
My chance came last night. Told him I was heading away for the weekend with two of the kids(other kid has a tournament on Sun and my SIL would be taking him to it). H immediately got snippy.
H: Why are you only telling me now?I could be going somewhere this weekend.Who`s gonna mind DS? FG: If its a problem for you minding DS don`t worry I`ll sort something out. where are you going anyway? H: Yeah, that`s my business FG:Not if it concerns the welfare of our son. But I`ll sort that out. H: Of course I can mind him. Why don`t you stay away for a week FG:Thanks for looking after him H:Sure why wouldn`t I?
(Doncha just lurve the workins of the Alien mind?)
Well, the above opened the flood gates of H`s anger once again.I suspected it would. I didn`t take xanax, just got into bed with my book and waited.
He stood over me in the bed, stared down at me and started
"You`re just a hypocrite. You know that? I`d love to take DS home with me but I can`t because of you you`re such..."
Well, I couldn`t turn my back like the T said. I haven`t read this in MWD`s books either but I just looked him in the eye and told him I would not listen if he continued to insult me. He continued to insult me so I stuck my fingers in my ears!
So there I am, fingers in ears,saying the rosary silently, DH standing above me mouth jawing on but I can`t hear a thing so I`m happy. My arms are getting tired but I can pray and keep them up and stick this out. Eventually(talking 10 mins here) he walks off.
Comes back again though. This time tried to prize my book("Letting Go"-oh, the irony of it!) from my hand but I don`t let him and tell him to stop so he takes my cell phone from my locker but I take it from him and tell him to stop snooping on me too and I hear him insulting again so back in go the fingers.
Eventually he sits down on the bed. He calms. I look at him, in my heart praying for him and wishing him well.
H:How are you in all of this? FG:I`m doin ok. I`m learning more than I ever expected. Oh its painful, a very painful place but pain is a good teacher. I`m happy within myself even though I know there`s pain around H: You`re 46 for God`s sake aren`t the lessons you are learning now shouldn`t you have learnt them already? FG:I`ll still be learning when I`m 66! Some lessons just come in the time you`re ready for them and anyway, I don`t do regrets.
He`s kicking over and back with questions. More looking for R talk and S talk from me I know but I deflect that. Looking for me to ask him about him but I don`t do that either. then he tells me he`s very angry with me
I tell him nobody on the planet knows him better than me. He says I don`t know him. I say of course there is always more to know about someone. But that I do know that he`s angry he doesn`t need to tell me that I can see it in his throat and in his lower lip.No need to say it at all.
He asks where is this all going to go? I say "Who knows?"
He asks how my mother is. I tell him. But I don`t ask about his Mum because its a big dark bone of contention for him and he is no way ready to tackle her role in this.
He asks what is happening to us. I say we are both going though our own Life Crises. He says "You`re going through a life crisis. But I`m not. My problem is YOU!"
He asks what would I do differently in another R. I say that depends on the time the circumstances and the other person.
I keep my answers short. I don`t ask any questions. I stay calm. H looks out the window a lot as if waiting for a verbal wave from me. Old Me would definitely have given him that.
Then he turns around and says I`m very angry with me and you`re going to pay for that.
FG: That`s a threat
H: I`m not threating I`m just saying"You re going to pay"
FG: Saying You`re gonna pay is a threat.Don`t threaten me. I know you`re angry. I can see you`re angry but you`re anger will hurt you more than it can hurt me.
He stays silent for a long time. Then leaves. I would have left long ago but I was in bed!
"No point in standing around I suppose" and he leaves.
Not the very best convo but on the plus side H didn`t use any bad language so he learnt to back off on that last Sun. This time he has to have learnt not to hurl insults at me, that I`ll listen when he`s calm, that I`m not in control of the R or S if that happens.
I learned to stay calm and that I didn`t need xanax to do that for me. I learned to stick my fingers in my ears if I don`t want to be ranted at.
I relearned that there`s really no point in trying to figure out the workings of the Alien mind.
