NC with wife for one week

[GoBison]

journaling. Maybe my W is right. We may not have had the problems that a lot of couples do are only real issue is that she says that I am jealous which is enough. I am sure that some of the things that came across as jealousy to her. Maybe issues with her family just increased her sensitivity to this. Maybe we weren't meant to be together. I more than likely royally screwed up and for the last time. I can make excuses to myself all day about I only really "asked who she was texting when we were together" or "would ask why are you always texting or talking to a certain guy". Maybe we just have a different view on M in dealing with relationships outside of the M.

I don't believe that her trying to test me over the past two years to see if I would be jealous of her was right. She actually said this while giving the bomb. She was testing me to see because she was waiting to see if we should have kids. And I did pass however before she got pregnant she changed her opinion of me being jealous. I failed the last time because I asked what she was talking about with some guy on the phone. In actuality the only reason that I asked what they were talking about was because it was her b-day and he knew what I was getting her for her b-day and was wondering if he told her. Of course she said nothing about me being jealous at the time and held it in for two months until the bomb. At which time no explaining could get me out of it.

Pretty much just rambling on to myself and having a pity party. As it was another wonderful night. Have not spoken to W in 8 days now. I am still at work trying to get stuff done before I leave next week to go home and face the family without my W at my brothers wedding and have to answer the same question over and over again where is W. Also tonight I work in a bank and the cleaning lady left and turned on the motion sensors. So when I got up to walk around I set them off. So I had to explain to the police department what I was doing here as they searched the building.

I could have been out of here a long time ago but spent a lot of time searching on the internet about D and what maybe in store for me. I really don't want a D but more than likely in a couple of weeks W will file and that will be the beginning to the end of something that should have been so much more. And could still be so much more. Do I blame my W for what is going on now? Somedays I do somedays I blame myself. Today I am blaming myself. Somedays I blame her for not wanting to see a C or not talking to me before it got to the point of leaving. I blame myself for being this wuss of a man that can't stand up to his W and is afraid to speak my mind for fear of her walking out. I blame myself for being insecure about myself. I blame myself acting like this and seeing why in the world would my W even want to be with a man like this when I was so much more before.

I don't believe in D and do not want it. But I can see that my W felt that she was trapped in a M that she did not want to be in & only saw one way out. Maybe it is the lack of contact with my W or the fact that she is planning to file but I do feel that I have already lost. I will keep up the NC with and will continue to work on myself and pray to God that she will reconsider. Other than that there really isn't anything that I can do at this point. I also need to leave the BB for a while as I spend way too much time on here and there are way to many depressing stories.

I miss my W a lot tonight and wish that I could go home and she would be there.