Newly Separated and Heartbroken

[ALJ]

My H and I will have been separated for 3 months on the 1st of August. I can't believe it has been that long. He went back home to Georgia on this Monday after being here for our daughters birthdays (they are a year and a day apart). The 5 days that he was here went okay. He slept on the floor in my bedroom every night. When I questioned him about it, he said that his back was bothering him. Come to find out that he didnt sleep in the bed because it would make it seem like everything is okay with us and it is not. I guess I could understand that but I was a little hurt also.

The girls birthday party went okay. I still had not told my family about our separation so my family was talking to him like everything was okay with between him and I. They were asking him things like "so, when is your wife and kids going to join you down south?" This made him uncomfortable and the next day he asked me why hadn't I told my family about our separation.(He told his family as soon as it happened) I told him that I didnt want the atmosphere to be strained and uncomfortable for him at the party and I didnt want to hear anyone talking about him negatively. He took it as maybe me not acknowledging the situation for what it is or maybe me holding out hope that things are going to get better so why bother telling my family. Maybe in the back of my mind this was the truth.

Well, that one question led us into a relationship talk and it really wasnt productive. There was no arguing but I was trying too hard to make him see my point of view on why our marriage went downhill. And then when he started making statements like "maybe there is someone out there for me" and "what am I supposed to do if I come across someone that I feel a connection with?" and "the feeling of being in love and showing affection should come naturally and not be forced.", it made my stomach churn and I felt like passing out (but didn't show it.) I told him that I could not control his actions and that I could only control my own actions. He knows that I dont support this separation and if any legal action is taken, he would have to initiate it.

From the looks of it, my H seems to know what he wants. Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for us as he says he had emotionally left the marriage 5 years ago and does not want to work on the relationship. Of course I do not feel this way about him or I would not be divorce busting. I love him but I hate this situation (and sometimes him too) I can truly say that I have not fully detached from him.

[cpfullofhope]

ALJ,
You are in the right place for support, encouragement, and some great advise. Have you read DB or DR? They are so helpful. I am sorry for what you are going through and for how hard this must be for you and your kids. Take care of yourself, do something for yourself, and focus on you and the kids right now. And, read, make goals, talk to others going through similar things here on the boards. My H has been out of the house for a year and it has been a roller coaster, so I know detaching is a very difficult thing, but finding your own emotional stability is key.

[ALJ]

Thanks cpfullofhope for your kind words. I have read DR and it was very helpful. I do have to buy my own copy as the one I read was borrowed from the library. I have been spending a lot of time getting to know who I am and doing fun activities with the kids. Yes, detaching has been very difficult for me. My H and I have been together forever and I do miss him since I only see him once every 6 weeks now.

How is your sitch going? Do you have children also?

[mnt_dreams]

ALJ, I'm sorry you find yourself here as well but you can/will receive great support if you want it. Keep posting, and if you have a question pose it for advice. You've been asked a couple times about reading DR, have you? I am also separated from my H, five months now, and I'm re-reading DR for the third time again. That's how worthwhile I think the book is.

I read through your posts, and early on you were falling into the trap many of us did, by pursuing our spouses with text messages/etc. It is very hard to u/s how they can turn on us, become coldhearted, selfish S's that only think about themselves. My H is also in his early 30's and my understanding is a MLC can happen at these ages. So, read DR and especially about MLCs and see what you think. If his behaviors fit, I hate to tell you but it could be a LONG time before your H comes out of it. Everyone's different though.

I have to also say that it sounds like there might be an OW in the picture. His comments about finding someone else sound like hints to me. I hope I'm wrong, but just trying to prepare you for some potential bad news. This doesn't mean there is no hope. As you said, you can't control his actions. And that is exactly right! Just keep working yourself (the group classes, some pampering of yourself, changing things up in your home, etc.) and become a lady that your H would be a fool to leave!!

Hang in there, and take it a day at a time.

[ALJ]

Thanks for your advice mnt dreams. I have read DR once and am going to get my own copy tomorrow so I can read it again. I have been seeing a c also who has helped me with some issues that I had with myself. (self-esteem, passive behavior.) I also believe that my husband has had EA during our marriage. One happened back in 2001 that I had proof of but never really confronted him about. He did mention being able to communicate better with others more so than me.(He did not specify male or female) Lack of Communication was a big problem in our R.

I also have to stop trying to hang onto my H through phone conversations and be the first one to end it. This has been a problem for me as I dont talk to him everyday and I dont see him but once every 6 weeks. I just have to realize that I am not one of his favorite people right now and refocus on working on me.

I am in the process of telling my family about our separation and that will be another weight lifted off of my shoulders. I have also talked with DB coach Jody who has really helped me figure out what steps to take when dealing with my H. I never thought this would have happened to me but here I am in the thick of it.

[cpfullofhope]

I'm so glad you have talked with a DB coach. I have talked with coach Cheryl several times and her perspective is always so helpful. My sitch is almost the opposite of your in terms of contact. I talk to H everyday usually a couple of times when he calls to talk to S6. I try to be encouraging but brief. I also see him at least 3 days a week usually more as he lives close by and wants to see son. We do things together as a family and I always try to keep it light hearted and fun. Things usually go well as long as I have no exceptations but as soon as I call him on contact with OW who he had EA with, he retreats and it's like starting all over. Our sitch is a little different b/c I think he has come around in terms of wanting his family back, but just doesn't want to do the work to make it happen. He also hasn't made any attempt to connect with me in terms of time alone or physical contact. He needs treatment for addiction and he needs to stop contact with OW. I constantly question whether I should even be still hanging in, but for whatever reason, I still love him deaply and remember the 8 years together that we had that were good. We have been together for 15 years, married for 9. The first 8 were great then slowly went down hill. Now I know it was parially because he was doing cocaine for the last 7. He has 6 months clean off cocaine (something OW helped him with he says) but is still drinking. Not the life I imagined and I'm sure it's not the one he did either. I am a strong Christian and I definately believe that God has a plan, it's just hard to wait patiently and stay out of the way so that plan can be layed out.

[ALJ]

cpfullofhope,

((((HUGS))))

I have also questioned why I would want to stay married to someone that says that he doesnt love me anymore. The only answer is that I love him and dont want to throw my marriage away. He has been a part of my life since 5th grade and right now I dont see myself with someone else. My H literally changed into an alien overnite and I couldnt understand this transformation into a cold stranger.

When my H moved out of town, I would text him with messages like "I miss u" or "what are u doing?" He would never respond. I called him 2 times since he left and when he answered, it was like I was bothering him so I never did it again. I let the kids call him whenever they want. He calls every two to three days and most of the time I keep the conversation upbeat, not really talking about myself. I just talk about the kids and ask whats going on with his entertainment company and informing him about the financial aspects of the household.

No communication, not spending time with each other, and not showing affection toward one another were the main issues in our marriage. I want to do 180's concerning these areas but it is impossible because he lives so far away and when he does visit I sure he does not want any time alone with me or me showing him any affection. I am finally letting my family know about our separation and the next step will be to figure out how he can see more of the kids.

His birthday is next week and the kids will send him cards and a gift. I would like to send him a card also but dont know if I should. The kids sent him cards for fathers day also but he did not send me a mothers day card from himself.(We had just separated and maybe that was the last thing on his mind, who knows?) Our ten year wedding anniversary is in october and I would hate for the day to go by and not acknowledge it. I just dont know. You were right about it being hard to have patience when going through a separation. I have to take it one day at a time.

[cpfullofhope]

The holidays are so hard!!! I have resorted to funny cards instead of sentimental. We had an anniversary in April and I took my son and just son and I went on a trip. I couldn't imagine being here waiting for H to recognize the day and not having it happen. I did give him a card that was a little more feeling oriented but I was able to find one that talked about the memories we shared together, which was true. He gave me a card that expressed how sorry he was for everything. It was nice, but here we still are with just a little progress since then. I am sure I must have needed a huge lesson in patience that I am learning all in one year.

Regarding your 180's, I wonder about showing affection in a different way. You know, like a little joking jab, or when one of the kids say something funny, sqeezing his arm or leg and laughing. You could see how he responds to that and go from there. The other 180's might have to wait. I'm sure your coach can help you more with that. I also wonder about how you handle everyday life, how you can show him something totally different in your conversations and contact. It sounds like you are already doing that.

All I can say, is get a great support system around you. Start doing something for you that makes you happy, get a new hobby or take a class, or something new to distract yourself. It can be a long ride. It took almost an entire year to really see any significant change in my H and it's still very up in the air. You will be more attractive to him, yourself, and others if you are making yourself a priority. More easily said than done when you've been left to fend for 3 small children by yourself.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated!

[Kalni]

ALJ,
sorry you are here... I came across your posts today and I think you are doing fine granted the circumstances. Did you H travel alot for work? Has he said he is moving at the city he now lives for good? Has he been there before? How do you handle the finances? Does he support the kids?

It's good that you are talking to a DB coach. I have never done it but all my friends here said they are greatly helpful.

I agree, I think your H is having an affair. All those comments he made about "what if I find someone" etc etc, are all script as we say here. That doesnt change what you should do right now but it does mean this situation may last much longer than what you are anticipating.

For now, keep taking care of yourself, find yourself, know that you will be ok in the end no matter what, and be strong.
Good Luck
K

[mac-ct]

ALJ

Welcome (I never know if thats the right thing to say!)

Some words of encouragement here in how you're handling things....

I want to do 180's concerning these areas but it is impossible because he lives so far away

These 180's are never wasted. They are for you . Do them to improve you. Be comfortable with them. Show the new you to the people round you. They shouldn't be forced although they may start that way. They shouldn't be used as a "look at me" solution.

In my sitch - my W has hardly seen me in the 2 months since the WA happened.

The only way of "showing" her is through the people she interacts with.
I know it's working for me. I know others like the new (actually the original) me..

The early days were painful. They may be for you. You have the blessings of children who will need their Mum to be there for them and I have every confidence you will be.

Be strong. Show patience. Have faith.

You've already have some very good advice from the folks here.

Take a wander round the community here.
I'm sure you recognize similarities in other stories that will help you when you least expect it.

We're here with you.

Mac