So, the week has been good. H has been putting effort in, trying to reconnect after a bad week last week. Then today, he was suppose to have appt with IC for first time for addiction stuff, so he said. Then this afternoon he texts to say no meeting couldn't get ahold of anyone to get directions and gave me number he was calling to show you just get voicemail. I called it and it was the wrong #...not a counselor but residence. Asked him if it was the # he called to schedule appt and he hesitated. Asked if he had actually had appt to start with. He gets all defensive and raises his voice saying he has been trying to call for two weeks and told me he had appt because he wants to show he is committed...etc. etc. Lying has been a huge issue so I wanted to scream and bite his head off but I kept my cool and said it looks like you need a number that works. He of course kept ramping up and finally backed out of picking son up from school (thurs is usually his day) saying he was too worked up. Calls later tonight and is clearly drinking. I think sometimes he just creates conflict so he has an excuse to drink. I feel good that I didn't buy into it and didn't get myself all in a hissy. I am learning to detach....big thing when dealing with an addict. I wish there was more on here about people dealing with addicts. I don't even know if you can really DB with an addict, but I'm trying. We went to a M counselor but they said not point until he gets treatment. It get's old waiting. Just trying to provide stability for me and son and show his a life that would be worth rejoining. Not sure what else to do.
OK people I realize I am new here, but I really need to get some feedback and ideas, etc. Not sure how to start that out and connect with others the way many of you have. So, H came and spent the night Friday to stay cool (I have the house and it has A/C) and spend time with son. Wasn't expecting too much with me but he ended up initiating physical contact which I was happy to get and helped with my goal of showing him a life that would be worth rejoining. The next day S6 has activity we go to together and have fun and then take him to waterpark after to celebrate his performance. H comes to waterpark drunk which I just ignore cause I don't want to ruin day for son. H proceeds to drink all night apparently after leaving waterpark and sends me a text about noon today that he has been drinking all the time and he is slowly killing himself and he really needs to talk to his "friend" (OW) and could I please understand. I quickly replied that he had many people to talk to and no I would not be OK with him talking to her. It all went down hill from there, him trying to make me feel guilty for not caring enough and not wanting him to be sober no matter what. And trying to convince me they are just friends and he loves me. I told him I can't tell him what to do and if that's what he wants/thinks he needs, he can do what he wants but I am not OK with it and will never be and there is no reason I should be. It was on and on back and forth which is totally idiotic on my part because he is drunk and I am just getting pulled in which is stupid.
Anyway, I just need to process and all my friends and family would just see this as another reason I should just divorce him, which may be true. I know it is hard for spouses who have had EA or PA to give that person up, but I shouldn't have to hear about that or deal with it. I don't even know what to think right now. The fact that after spending great time with me and S, he is still dying to talk to her, just makes me think this is never going to change. But, I hold on because I think it he got help and was sober a lot of the problems would be much easier to fix. I am so tired of the drama.
cpl, You are definitely in a tough spot. I can relate to the feeling of hanging on to a dream. It sounds like your H has multiple problems that he is trying to lick right now. The EA is a powerful drug, as is the alcohol. If the drinking thing isn't new for him, may I ask if he has tried to get any help to kick that habit? I would guess that the same mental fortitude and attitude that is required to quit drinking would be required to quit an A also. If he hasn't been successful in one area, it might foreshadow problems in the other.
I like that you set your boundaries with him, even if he was drunk when you were doing it. I was far too permissive with my W when the EA was first discovered, and I caved-in with each push against my new boundaries. At the lowest point, I was a total wuss and let my W walk all over me with impunity: not sexy! I wish I would have set and enforced boundaries earlier. It sounds like you are doing well in that regard.
The only advice I can offer is right out of MWD: drop the rope, focus on you and the kids, you can't change him so don't try, keep up your PMA and get a life! I know, so simple to offer as advice, but so hard to take as the same.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thank you PD. When I first found out about the EA it was the straw that broke the camels back and I asked him to move out (June 08). But, I have weakened several times over the past year...even tried to be friends with her for a period of a couple of months. Crazy is all I can say about that. She has no respect for me, my marriage, or my family. Made it sound like she was just trying to help him and pretty sure they convinced each other of that, but it was clearly more than that. She is a drug to him and he is feeling lost without the drug so he is drinking even more than usual which is almost impossible. He went to treatment in August and relapsed very quickly and seems to have kicked his drug problem for the last 6 months, but still addicted to alcohol, her, who knows what else. If he doesn't get help it will just be someone else or something else. Over the course of our marriage there has been all kinds of problems with addiction type stuff...internet, alcohol, drugs, the EA, possibly and probably lots of other things I don't even know about.
I appreciate the reminder to drop the rope and focus on me and son. It is so hard to do when someone close to you is on a rollercoaster. I try not to ride it but it seems almost impossible sometimes. When things are good with us there is nothing better and that is how it has always been. The EA has put a new spin on that because she is always there in my mind and I have to work very hard not to think about her, them, whatI would like to say to her, ect, ect. Doesn't help at all that her husband knows and seems to be OK with it all. Or trusts that they will keep good boundaries now????? See, even here I am expending too much time and energy on her. I used to email and text and go back and forth, I feel good to have stopped that. I feel bad for him but I have tried everything to help him and it has not worked. It hurts very badly that he thinks she can help him. I have not seen that over this past year. I think he is far worse off now that he was before her, but I could never convince him of that. He thinks she was key in helping him kick the drug habit. ANYWAY, I need and appreciate the support from being here. Please keep it coming.
As a recovering addict I can tell you there is really nothing you can do, he has to want to get help and right now he doesn't want to. One thing you could try is tell him you'll call and make the appt and tell him you want to go to the first one with him...I asked my W to come with me, just so she knew I was going and was serious...My gut feeling though is if you did this he would be po'd since he doesn't want help right now.
I think the best thing to do would be to back away and let him know you can't see or talk to him till he gets help and is serious about it.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
CP- I also think you need to detach further. Set the boundaries and stick to them. Do not engage in conversation with him about OW. Cut that off immediately. If he brings her up tell him you never want to discuss her again because it is disrespectful to you and your M. If H continues to talk about her, repeat yourself.
I know how hard it is to deal with the drinking behavior. My H had a drinking problem and quit drinking about 4 1/2 years ago. I dealt with it for the first 12 years of our M. It had finally gotten to a point that I was going to leave. H had an epiphany of sorts, quit and has not picked up a beer bottle since. He does know if he starts again, we are done. Do not engage in conversations with H when he is drunk. Do not talk on the phone, do not allow him in the house, do not allow him around the kids. These should be boundaries you have set.
Also, H doesn’t have AC at his place? OH WELL. Let him suffer. H has made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Thank you both for your perspective. You are so right on. I know I need to stop all conversation about the OW. It is so hard cause I want to know what it is she does or says that seems to make her "so understanding". It's idiotic and unhealthy and I need to stop it. I also know I need to stop talking to him when he is drunk. I have been going to an alanon type group and it's funny because a lot of the language is the same, "detached with love" they say. I get caught up when things are going well and we are all happy together and he is telling me all the things I have been waiting to hear and helping around the house, etc. etc. Then bam I am reminded he is sick and needs help before any of that is ever going to be better.
He came to the house this morning of course feeling like an ass...I just told him I hoped he would get help and let him know our son is confused and it is not fair to him. Try to keep myself out of it.
I need the reminders and I need to be more of a harda**. I waiver between being pissed and being sad for him because he is so sick. I made a committment to our marriage through sickness and health but that doesn't mean I have to be walked on and I have to remember that.
I made a commitment to our marriage through sickness and health but that doesn't mean I have to be walked on and I have to remember that.
You are 100% spot on. I have heard and read on here time and time again, do not be a doormat. There are so many hurtful things our spouses do and they will continue to do unless we put an end to it. When you're confused and wondering if you're being unreasonable or if he is treating you like a doormat, think about what you would do if your M was good. Would you allow the behavior to continue or would you put a stop to it? If you would not allow it then, don't allow it now. Another good way of looking at it (which was told to me by Puppy) is: What would God Himself do if He was standing with you?
The drinking is hard. Really, really hard. I so empathize with you. I, too, entered my M with the vows - in sickness and in health, for better or worse until death do us part. I think a good place to begin is decide what you will and will not accept and put those boundaries in place. Can he interact with your S when drinking? Can he 'crash' at your place when drunk? etc... Decide what you can live with.
With respect to the affair I do not waiver. It is not acceptable under any circumstances. It is adultery and it goes against the ten commandments. Dr. James Dodson's book "Love Must Be Tough" is excellent, IMO, in dealing with affairs. Dr. Dodson discusses divorce and remarriage and describes three situations in which a Christian has biblical grounds for remarriage. One applies to infidelity: "When one's mate is guilty of sexual immorality and is unwilling to repent and live faithfully with the marriage partner." I found peace reading this. Although I am still bound and determined to save my M and will fight til the end, it will be through no fault of my own if H decides our M is over because of his adultery.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Thank you Ashlee. I agree I need to clarify my boundaries in my own mind and then with him. I had very clearly said no drinking around me or son, and then I let that slide once or twice because things were going well and I didn't want to rock the boat. Now I need to say it again. He is overly rough with S when he is drinking and he teases him too much and it is mean and bothers S, so the boundary needs to be for S at least if not for me.
I completely agree with the boundary around the EA. I tried to let it slide and actually tried to make friends with her and her husband and then that went down hill and I think the EA got even more sick. I realize it is an affair and I think frankly that I wish he would have just gone out and had a one night stand. It would have been easier to deal with than this. Both H and OW won't call it an A. H will admit it is a sick relationship at times and that he has disrespected me repeately in his relationship with her. She has not said a word of apology and I don't expect it. Interesting because my H apologized to her H and they talked it all out, but nothing from her. OK, I am trying not to think about her and them so I am gonna stop talking about it.
I think I did well today detaching. H called this morning as he always does. I answered phone and had a short hello etc then handed over to S. Same thing this evening. I will be pleasant and have short conversations but get off phone first and not try to figure out what he is doing or who he is with. This is very hard for me. I have no access to any of his information, so I can never verify whether he is really not talking to her or someone else for that matter. I guess at this point it doesn't really matter since he hasn't gotten IC and nothing is really going to change permanently until that happens.
I am lonely and I am tired of waiting and I want someone to share my life with and wish I had no morals or values so I could just find someone else.
Have a huge charity garage sale at my house this weekend so there is a lot to do for that, so that will keep me busy. One day at a time.
OK, I am having a total moment of weakness. H is distant again after his drunk night and I can't stop thinking about whether he is now talking to OW again and that is why he is distant. Probably, but I just wish I knew. I hate not knowing what I'm dealing with. It is driving me crazy. I was doing so much better until he started saying he wanted us back and started doing all kinds of nice things. It's everything I wanted but now all distant again. I am so tired of the roller coaster and I want to just call him and ask if he is ever going to get help and get his sh** together. But that is R talk and it never goes well and I always feel worse after. I just want some releif from the constact wondering. I am seriously considering getting a GPS for his car. I know that is stupid and snooping and everything and expensive. Ugggghhhh...help!!!
