desperate...

[motoB]

thanks guys, I did get the word to her about my illness, and she didn't even respond. It really hurt my feelings cause I'm afraid of doing something like this without her. I think maybe she thinks its not that bad and I'm using it to reach her. That's all I can guess. When I did ask her about it on the phone Monday, she said that Ill be ok, and I need to have faith... then we kinda got into a argument on the phone. Ive all but figured out that we cant talk on the phone anymore, shes almost always mean to me on the phone, but not face to face. Again all I can think is that its easy to say hurtful things on the phone, cause she don't have to look in my eyes and say it. I don't know. I do know that shes not really interested in doing anything that would benefit me right now. Even if it was more visitation with my D. I think shes punishing me for finding out about and confronting the OM. I haven't spoke to or texted her since Monday, and figure I gotta keep this up. One big problem is that a lawyer I spoke with today says that she probably couldn't drop the RO now even if she wanted to. So that means its in place till 15 jul 10! Wholly crap! How do I work this?

[motoB]

Also I have a family member passing through town on Saturday. The court order on my visitation with my D says that I have her from 8am to 8pm on Saturdays. My W likes to do the visitation from 10 to 10(lets her and D sleep in.) Then she gives me crap about sticking to the rules and not letting my D stay overnight, but don't mind moving the hours around to suit her. He(my cousin) wont be in till later around 7 or 8 that Saturday evening, and is only in town till Sunday afternoon before continuing on to Florida. I want to be able to spend some time with him before he leaves... so I need to get her to do the 8 to 8, but I'm kinda torn because I don't want to make any requests right now, but then I thought of just telling her I had plans... maybe make some mystery, but I surely don't want any of this to backfire on me. Or should I just send a message simply stating see you at 8? Id rather she didn't keep it so close to the book, that's why I don't want to go that route, I'm kinda afraid shell think I'm trying to be a butt, and make her get up early, just to make a point. What would you do?

[bluerain]

My god! A year! Can you appeal it? Are you using legal aide or a private lawyer?

You should just state it plainly that you need to have D come at 8 am, as the court order states this week. But if it would be easier for her, she could always bring D by fri night... Stick to your guns on this one. I dont think that you need to worry about it, this isnt a request to go to dinner or whatever. And if you do ask for it, hold your ground.

[1853dave]

Hey Moto,

Find out FOR CERTAIN - and ask a different lawyer (many give you a short free consult if you don't take a lot of thier time) and find out about that RO. It seems to me that if she initiated it, she can withdraw it. I don't see how it can go on for a year (why would they do that?) yet you can have in person drop-offs of you child - without supervision?!?!? If she has a L, you can bet her L is pressing her to keep in in place. That way it is a trap, and all you have to do is innocently step into it and then they finally have "something" on you - as bogus as it is. My W's L was pressing her hard to keep it in place, and my W honestly did not know that she could have withdrawn it at any time - she was under the impression that if it was in place, that God himself could not withdraw it. It was as though it might take an act of congress, when she had the power all along to do something about it. Unfortunately, because of the RO I was under at the time, I could not tell her that! I found her lawyer was not advising her - certainly to her L's benefit. Also, by doing so, she drained our family of all of our savings, and 2nd mortgage on the home. Yeah, you see how helpful the L was to my wife??? Now we're BOTH broke. And, now that the money is all gone, we don't hear from the lawyers anymore. A friend told me this might happen, and he was right. I wonder if your L is taking advantage as well...

So, find out for sure - in fact, if you have an RO against you, you should have court docs in your hand that spell everything out to you about the RO.

Whoa - I just read your message again - the COURT says 8 to 8??? Then guess what - 8 to 8 it is. Otherwise, it is probably a violation of the court order. If your W wants to change that, she can probably do that too. She cannot change the court orders to make it "convenient" to her without submitted for a modification to the order. Many people have been charged with RO violations even though both parties in the RO agreed to meet to talk, or even have consentual sex (!) while the RO was in place! This happens!! Even though you both agree, the court order is the court order, and it is supposed to be followed to the letter.

If your W has a lawyer, I'm sure her L would tell you both the same thing. Besides, if things go bad, I'm sure her L could twist things around to make it look like YOU are at fault here - not her.

Moto, you are not a "butt" for sticking to the court order. The court expects you to do what they order, so stick to it. If your W wants to modify it, fine, I'm sure you'd be supportive - but as of right now, 8 to 8 means exactly that: 8 to 8. You are risking yourself if you do otherwise...

Still, stick to the DB model - be cool, give her space, cooperate, avoid being angry (hard to do sometimes), be friendly, but do NOT get yourself in trouble with the court. You might have to point that out to your W that you've been advised to stick to the order, but you are agreeable to changing the schedule - it just needs to be OK'd by the courts.

Court order modifications happen every day. They are nothing out of the ordinary. No big deal - and if you both agree, I'm sure they'd grant it. It takes only one L to type it up, you probably don't even have to appear - it'll likely be handled by your (or her) L over the phone, and it's done.

I'm no attorney (I'm too honest and ethical - HA!) but I have been through this over the past year myself.

Good Luck, and let us know how it goes.

And hang in there - this is only today. Yes, it stinks, but better times are ahead. They are.

[motoB]

ok this weekend was an interesting one. First I did well Saturday morning, I was lookin good, feelin good, and got my D, I kept the exchange under 2 minutes. It was really hard, I wanted to reach out to her pretty bad but I didn't. I tried to be funny and and made a comment about her legs not working anymore because I haven't seen her standing on them since the initial court hearing, she didn't really see the humor, said she had no reason to get out of the car... yikes! so I kinda laughed and moved away. D said she was really grumpy all morning cause they were running late(they showed up 15min late) I suspect she thought I was gonna be mean or gripe, but I didn't(I really never do). Also I didn't let the D call and try to negotiate a longer stay(she wanted to) so all in all I thought I was did pretty good.

Then came the time to take her back... again she showed up late, by about 10min. When she arrived it was nearly dark and she was wearing her sunglasses... I noticed this immediately. I told her that I had some of her stuff that's been in my truck for well over a month( it was everything that we had from a big road trip we made about a week before the separation.) So she did get out of her car and opened the trunk, but she couldn't see so she pulled off her glasses, and I could tell she had been crying. I never mentioned this, maybe for me? I don't know. Long story short we began talking... I should have left but didn't. 3 hours later, we both departed. During the 3 hour conversation many emotions were exchanged between us, but I never lost my temper. The main theme of the conversation was trust, because there has been none between either of us. She also told me that the OM is in the past but still insists that nothing was there, but one upped the stich by telling me she thought I was behind him the whole time and that she was just playing a game with him, that she was never interested in him. She said she thought I sent him to get proof that she was a terrible person that would cheat on me... she said shes still not convinced that I didn't have something to do with it, it kills me that she would think this, the last thing I ever wanted to think was that she did or would have someone else. If this is true then it might explain the constant increase in bitterness toward me here of late when I knew there was no real reason. Of course I know it could be a smokescreen to cover her butt... I wont know cause I don't get her phone bill anymore, and with a RO it kinda keeps me from knowing much. I did break down at one point with tears rolling from my eyes. She made some comment about me not letting her have a D(which she never gave me the opportunity to see what Id say she just hit me with D papers and a RO) So she had to do what she did for separation. I asked whats so wrong with me asking her to stay and go through counseling? Why did that make me a monster? I told her that I did everything I could and I know now that my actions caused more problems, and I was sorry for that, I told her that she needs to realize that my intentions were always good and that I gave her all of me, I may not have handled all my emotions right but but my heart was pure and true, and all I wanted was to save our marriage. She started crying briefly, this I haven't seen before. I saw this and backed off, I just asked her to try and start to trust me, Id do the same for her... even though I know its hard. There was much more to the conversation but that is the readers digest version.

In the end we both agreed it was a tough conversation, but both said we were glad we had it. I screwed up I know, and I'm gonna keep up with the DB'ing, and maybe I didn't make any progress, perhaps it was all lies, but I sure feel as though something good came from it. last night I dreamed for the first time that we got back together, I dream every night of her but its always just normal stuff like were riding in the car, or shopping for grocery's, this time it was different... I know the D is gonna happen, but I'm not done yet.......

[bluerain]

Hi motoB, sounds like a good talk. Now that you have said these things, dont say them again, let it go. Now she knows what you want, and hope for if you keep talking about out, or bring it up again at all, she will feel pressured. I wouldnt worry about the backslide, sounds like a 1 step back, half a step forward kind of thing! Not a total set back.

I wonder why she would think that you would try to trick her into having an A? Did you ever "test" her before on other things?

[1853dave]

MotoB,

You don't know for sure that you're D is going to happen. Do NOT think that way - you need to believe that you can save your marriage. You are still pretty early into this ride... I'm still hanging on on my end, and just this week things have gotten better for me (or "us"...) - and it's been 9 months!. There are never any guarantees, of course, but you need to try your best, because you just might be able to pull it off - many others have too.

You had a talk, give it time to sink in for her... She needs time. Right or wrong, fair or foul, she still needs time, and maybe so do you. This won't resolve in a few days, most likely... Keep working on your DBing and read (or re-read) DR, and follow Michelle's advice. I went for the longest time seeing no improvements....other than things stopped getting worse. It got to the point where when nothing bad happened on any particular day, it was a good day. Now, things are slowly getting better still.

You can get there too, just take it easy, and don't panic. Try not to hurry up the process (I know, easy for me to say - been there...) but take it easy. Figure out things you can work on for yourself, try to do things to make yourself happier (I know, also hard to do) and enjoy your daughter while you have her - she needs to see you strong and in control, too.

Hang in there, things will get better.

[motoB]

Been a couple quiet days around here, which are really kinda rare it seems. One thing that has got to me is that it seems the W doesn't ever refer to me as my name to other people, she calls me other things. I don't think its evil names but never just who I am. A total refusal to say my name. I know its probably petty but it still hurts.

Rain, the reason she said why she distrusted me and thought I had something to do with it was that a couple weeks before the separation we got into an argument, she was acting as if she had NEVER done anything wrong in our R, actually those were her exact words and shes said it many times since. Well I finally told her that one day people would see her for who she is rather than this great facade she puts on and I asked her how she could sleep at night. I regret saying it. I know its true, but it hurt her deeply, I saw it then, and I know it now. Already people see through her cause they know Id never do the things that shes alleged, and when they speak ill of her because of what shes done, she assumes I must have said something to them or that I was spreading rumors... she cant get that they make their own minds up(and these are mutual friends, not partial ones.) I worry for her cause this is some serious denial on her part, I hope and pray somehow she either comes around on this or that somehow she misses me enough to seek me, then together we can fix this scary issue.

By the way Dave in Texas there's only a 2 month cool down period, and at the rate shes moving it will end within a week of that 2 months which will have it around early Sept, just in time for our Anniversary. I'm not sure how Ill deal with that becoming real, or moving all my stuff out of the house. I cant imagine going through all the stuff in the attic.....Right now, I don't have hardly anything from the house but its almost better for me thinking its there...

Last but not least, I go into and see an outpatient DR. tomorrow, to address my health issues. They told me that if they can do some minor surgery and correct me then they will do it on the spot, if not then it'll be rescheduled to a later date in a hospital. One small plus is that the W did want me to call her when I am done to let her know what happened. I wonder if she will answer, or just have me leave a message? Please keep me in yalls prayers.

One last thing does anyone know if someones spouse ever stumbled on here and read what they were writing, and used it against them? She knew of my Divorce Remedy book... I just wonder?

[motoB]

Went to the Dr today and hes put me on light duty for the next few weeks and then wants to reevaluate the situation. Its his hopes that maybe the condition will lessen and we can treat it as opposed to remove it. Either way I called the W after the visit with the Dr, like she said for me to do, and she didn't answer. I really kinda expected this, but it still hurt. I texted her and told her that if she wanted to talk to me give me a call and Id fill her in. She texted back and said she was real busy at work but wanted to know if I was ok. We shot a few texts back and forth, I could tell she didnt want a real conversation, this went on till I ended the conversation thanking her for her prayers and her telling me I was welcome Smiley face included.) I do know it is the busiest time of the month for her so no doubt she was busy... but I guess I just wanted a few minutes of her time. I know bad. By the way thank you to any of you who have tossed out some prayers for my medical condition, and my marriage for that matter.

Well that's where I am. I miss her so bad. Dave how did you deal being away from your W, during the RO? Do you think that anything you did during the RO helped you with her later down the road? Any RO DB'ing advice would be greatly appreciated.

[motoB]

Had real rough night last night, for some reason I missed her worse than usual. Maybe the Dr visit alone? That might have sparked it but my mind does terrible things to me and it comes up with stuff I hadn't thought of before. Really, the whole potential of the OM took hold and I was pretty down. I know she said it was over, and accused me of being behind it, but I ask myself, why would she tell me this? If its true, this woman who has been so guarded and hidden, why share this with me? Seems to me at this point that she had something to gain by telling me... throwing me off her trail. Then the other side of that argument is why even bother to throw me off her trail, she has a RO against me its not like I can know whats going on with her, and I no longer share phone bills with her... so is it paranoia? Am I making something from nothing? Honestly there isn't much reason to lie about it, its not like I can make anything harder for her in anyway... not through court, not through the military(because of the RO Id have to catch her having an affair, and that would break the RO) not through her normal life... so why tell me if it wasn't true? What would she gain by telling me? I'm hoping it was to get something off her chest... which is that a good sign or not? By the way a 180 for her if it is true.