What to do when H doesn't contact?

[beepee]

No Problem!
Glad to be of any help

Like you, I want to see if there is a chance as well but he already told me that there's no way that we can be together again. So I got my answer but I still keep hope. I just focus less on him and more on myself and see what happens from there. He's your H, he can't ignore you forever. It may take a long time, but I'm sure you will hear from him. Keep your chin up!

[Goodfight]

What happened to your marriage? Does he also suffer from depression?

[beepee]

No, it's actually me that suffers from depression.
Like I said before, I wish my H was like you and actually realize that I'm sick and want to help me. Instead, he couldn't take anymore of it and left.

See, he cheated on me to begin with, and I fell into a deep depression because of it. And he tried to make it up to me but I felt like he wasn't making it up to me in the right way. I wanted him to be more affectionate and romantic and loving but instead, he'd do things like buy me stuff and try to make my life as easy and comfortable as possible by doing chores and things like that. I kept telling him that I didn't want that, and that I appreciate his efforts but in order to feel loved, I need reassurances and I needed him to be closer to me physical and more romantic and he thought I was being ungrateful.

He couldn't handle my "behavior" of constantly smothering him and trying to get his attention. He wanted me to go to counseling and I didn't but I am now and I realize how much of a mistake it was but now, even thought I'm making every effort to get better, he doesn't really care, which breaks my heart to the core. Because I stayed by him when he cheated on me, he wouldn't even hold my hand through a sickness. I think he's being more than selfish. I was too but I've learned my mistakes. I hope soon enough, he'll see how selfish he is being. I really, truly hope and pray for that everyday.

[Goodfight]

I'm so sorry BP I forgot that you suffer from the depression. He needs to realize that you are making a great effort in trying to save the marriage! You are trying to get better, and if he starts to realize that he will be willing to come back.

How long have you been separated? I can't remember.

[Kimmie Lee]

Lost, anyone who tries to tell you that making changes is "for you" and that you shouldn't be doing them to get your WAS back is BS!!

We are actually told that we are to GAL, make "changes", "lay out a nice picnic"...blah....blah....SO THAT OUR WAS's WILL NOTICE!!

I don't blame anyone for being confused about the mixed messages at this forum.

And yes, it is nearly impossible to "Bust a Divorce" when there is no contact from the wayward spouse.

[beepee]

Hi Lost:
We've only been separated for 7 weeks. Another week and it will be 2 months, WOW! I can't believe I'm actually that far along. I remember not being able to get through a day let alone nearly 2 months. Well, he hasn't been able to see the changes as he ignoring me just like your H but I'm making changes for me so I feel better about myself. And I disagree with Kimmie Lee very much about making changes just for your WAS.
I think it's really important to realize that a marriage isn't on the rocks because of just one person. Making changes for yourself is important in general, and to me, it SHOULD be for yourself, you don't make changes for anyone else. Yes, you are trying to get your WAS back but if the changes you are making are just for them, I think that's a bit toxic. You live your life for you, not for anyone else, but when you better yourself and make yourself happy FOR YOU, you become much better equipped to handle sitchs like this and will also have a much better relationship whether its with or without the WAS.

You don't want to depend on anyone to make you happy, you can only make yourself happy and share your happiness with your S. Making changes for no one else but you makes you a more confident. Just my 2 cents.

Have you heard anything yet from him? What have you been doing lately? Anything fun? I hope so!

[Kimmie Lee]

I never said the changes were "just" for the WAS.

I am saying that they are also done in the hope that WAS will notice. The whole point of DB is supposedly to BUST THE DIVORCE.

[beepee]

My apologies for saying you said it was "just" for the WAS.

I'm just saying that in the end, making those changes should be for yourself. The whole point of DB isn't just to bust the divorce, it's also to make yourself a better person in order to have a better relationship.

[karen43]

I never said the changes were "just" for the WAS.

I am saying that they are also done in the hope that WAS will notice. The whole point of DB is supposedly to BUST THE DIVORCE.

I think they do notice. I know my H told me several times how much I've changed and he's told other people that also. Of course, he's still with OW so obviously just that may not be enough. I think my H is an addict, addicted to OW, so is mere DBing on my part going to affect that. I mean it's like saying DBing will stop a WAS' alcohol or drug or gambling addiction. At some point, the only way they can stop the addiction is to realize what they're doing and work on it themselves. I think the theory is that DB will make them aware of how much they're giving up? Karen

[mishka422]

I really don't think most of the WAS's think they are 'giving up' anything. They are just changing their situations and in doing so they feel they have improved their lot in life. I'm not saying that's reality (my xh is a prime example of NOT improving things AT ALL) but that seems to be the way their warped minds think.