back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[The Wifey]

Points taken. I am really thankful for the thoughts. If it wasn't for these posts from others I would certainly be crazy. Others can see things that I cannot because I am too close to the sitch. This is where I am struggling.

I feel this way, also. I would be out of my mind had I not found this site.

ThingsI am doing to be a better me. I go running every week day (New). Work out every other(N). Doing chores around the house and not waiting for W(N). Clothes, dishes, beds, bathrooms, kids.

She is watching all of this, believe me. But she knows you are doing it because of the bomb and does not yet think the changes are for real.

I do all the shopping every week, always have. Take care of all the bills and car stuff, always have. Make dinner whenever I can (1 or 2 times during work week) always have. Always do meals on weekends, always have.

Does she think you will continue to always do these things if she goes forward?

Started cutting work off at work and not doing any at home (N). Only 4 times in 4 months at home. Cut back on my hours at work 9 to 5(N). Was working 65+ hrs every week with 1 or 2 all nighters at home each week. Cut back on my work travel as best I could.

Again, she doesn't yet believe this will stick. Consistency will be key with this.

Started to de-clutter the house and get rid of my pack rat mentality (still working on this). I am more calm (N). My fuse is a lot longer but this is an area I need to continue to work on.

Got back to what I love doing - gardening and yard work. Planned time with my friends 3 times in 3 months. Got healthy, lost 54 lbs in 8 months(new). Started going to DR's to take care of my health problems.

All good stuff.

Had two possible run ins with the "C" word. One dismissed the second is under watch for the next few months.

Huh? I didn't understand this. Usually C is counselor.

Shared my health issues with wife as soon as I was told. Used to hide them thinking she had enough worries to deal with. Started making plans to dump the job I hate and move to another one so I can be happier (plans scratched due to bomb)

Keep working for now, but unscrap the plans to find another that will make you happier. It seems the job is a real stresser and if you stay there the problems are likely to reoccur.

What I still want to work on…spending more time with the kids in a different way than now. Started taking them to the park and playgrounds away from house. Want to do more of that. Started doing projects like putting together model with my S and crafts with my D. Trying to do things with each “special day” just with one like boys movie night in the basement and D and me go to lunch and museum, book store or library.

How about more adult time, too? By yourself or with friends, a little mixture of what you do.

Everyone can improve no matter what. I am just not sure what else I can take on right now. W has stated only one thing…get some friends and go out more so she doesn’t feel guilty when she goes out or away. I am doing that this Friday and I am trying to schedule more over the next few weeks in between business trips. But I have limited time with what I am now doing around the house and I still have to work. I want to start reading books but I know that will suck up my time from other things right now.

I get up early to read. And she told you to get more friends. The internet is loaded with meet-up groups. Not all of them are to meet up with people to date, most are actually just to get people with similar interests together.

What was successful for others? I know there is no golden key but what changes did you like the most (in yourself)?

I like the most that I stopped Needing him and changed to Wanting him. Literally, I needed him and thought my life would fall apart if he left me. Nobody likes to feel they are responsible for someone else's happiness. It was an unhealthy way to live and the stronger I get the more he notices.

I own being a jerk and at times mean for quite a few years of our marriage. No hitting or abuse. In most cases just arguments or avoiding them. I stopped going to church with my family and have since changed but I own that as well.

I put work first for quite some time thinking I would get ahead at work and make more money and that would transfer to the family being more happy. NOT. I didn't get more money in relation to the work put in. And the family suffered.

So we all have a failure of some sort. Recognizing it is only step one. Changing it and figuring out what payoff we got for doing these things is next and more work. Avoiding the family or arguments let you be at peace, but it hurt the relationships to not acknowledge and deal with the issues, for instance.

But worst of all to my wife I spied on her when we were going down divorce lane. I found out about her EA and it trying to move to a PA. She hates me for that. I own it, that boulder around my neck.

I own that history of which I cannot change. I can only change going forward and create better times now that will be better histories to look at later.

This one I think is not a stone around your neck. Only if you accept it. Hello, no matter what - it is wrong to have an EA and try to move to a PA. Give that boulder to God. You did nothing wrong.

Both of you own your history. You can only own your part in it. She does not get a complete pass in this.

The hardest part is letting go. I know most call this detachment. I just call it letting go. You want so much to change your S's mind, but you can't. You want to tell them things will be better, but you can't. You want them to see you changing and believe the changes are real.

The only way for any of that to happen is to let go. Keep making the changes to be a better you. Let her watch and see. No words will change her mind or heart. You have to show her.

That you take responsibility for being a jerk for years is good. Now imagine it taking years to show her you are not a jerk. It well could take years. Are you up for the task?